Our Demons That Mold Us
by wolfofsheep
Summary: Penny has become a far different creature than she used to be. She left behind everything she used to be to embrace a new discipline. But, the lives we live are in the form of a circle, and her old life comes colliding into her. What she does from this point... will define her. Penny oriented story with a plethora of OC's and Shenny somewhere within it.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

* * *

Discipline… when people used to look at me; they never saw it. When I lifted up another glass of wine; when I cave in to having pity sex with my boyfriend; when I would spend my entire paycheck on unreasonably priced pair of pumps… they never saw it. Now, I'm standing in a long tunnel with my coaches yelling at me about keeping my 'Discipline' and keeping to the 'Strategy'. The lights go off and flashes of light fill the stadium from phones and cameras alike. I smile with the flexible mouthpiece in my mouth and I can hear the screams, whistles, and cheers of nearly every person inside the Las Vegas Arena. Every one of them was a rumble and a pulsating jolt inside my chest just as the guitar and drums of my song rings out into the stadium making the crowd get even louder. _Bulls On Parade_ by Rage Against the Machine… my song… It gets into full gear just as a bright spot light hits the end of the tunnel. My Coach and new landlord, Jordan 'The Grizzly' Cross, takes my shoulders with both hands and yells in my ear with his Boston accent, "The Belt's Yours, Slugga. Now rip her apart!" I smile as my father's nick-name drums out of his mouth… My nickname was very much spot-on, now, going on for the last few years. Oh how I have grown… I am now a fighter… a merciless warrior. I am no longer the slut across the hall… the alcoholic, ditsy blonde… I am an Angel that has fallen but got back up as a Demon… I am no longer the Penny that gives into temptation… I am the undefeated monster who is about to prove her worth.

* * *

With my loose T-Shirt that was airbrushed with my new fighter's name 'The Demon', my ankle bandaged feet, and my new favorite black and purple colored shorts with Jordan's gym name written across my ass, 'Cross To Bear' with a brown bear lifting the 'T' (that looks like a cross); I start hopping from one foot to another in a simple one-one-two-two combination as I make it to the spot light. When I hit that light, nothing else matters. My song is thumping, my fans are behind me, and there is only one obstacle standing in my way from getting the belt… Marla 'The Medusa' Albot… The announcer blares out my stats… 'Standing 5'9… 140 pounds… hailing from Omaha, Nebraska but training in the Cross to Bear Gym in Phoenix, Arizona… with a record of 7-0 with four fights ending in Knock Outs and the other three by Submission… Penelope 'THE DEMON' Contandino. I shake my arms to loosen up and jab into the air as I chew on the mouthpiece. The crowd screams and I can hear Coach screaming behind me just as Nicola Hernando, we call him Hot Sauce, and Leo Zachariah Marshall, I call him Hammy, are walking behind me yelling out that I was about to kill this girl and other encouraging words.

People reach out their hands and yell supportive things at me, but I have to stay focus… I have to be disciplined. When I reach a man in a black, he asks me to extend my arms, flex my fingers within the gloves, open my mouth wide, and take off my shirt. Showing off my newest tattoo: angel wings that burn into demon wings from the base to the tips. It was a symbol of what I had become. How I went from some perfect little angelic doll to a relentless demonic bitch… Everything in my past was leading me to this… the alcohol… the sex… the shopping addiction… the stupid, out of control decisions… I left them all behind in Pasadena. All I have, now, is Discipline… I train… I run… I eat… I sleep. It's who I have become… the fighter… the Demon… the true Slugger.

I hear familiar voices screaming my name and very close to my proximity. I turn my head sharply to the left and there they are… front row… the people I hurt… the people I had wronged with my shenanigans… and when they see that I notice them; they all smile and wave and scream their support… Amy, Bernadette, Raj, Howard, Stuart, and my sister and her god-awful husband… but there were two people that weren't there… two people I was both scared were there and disappointed they weren't… Leonard and Sheldon. I don't smile… I don't wave back… I try to not show how badly it hurts that they're there so I just snap my attention back to the man in black and he slips my mouth piece back into my mouth and asks me to remove my shirt. I do so and he then asks if I understand all that he has said to me. I give him a nod and he offers me luck. I snort out, "No Such Thing" before jogging up the stairs in my black and purple shorts and tightly fitted black sports bra. I spare one more look at my old life and they seem off-put that I didn't acknowledge them… I can hear a snarling 'Good' rumble in my head right before I bite down on my mouthpiece… hard. I don't want their last memory of me being a bitch, but I have to keep moving forward. If I even slip up once… I have a fear that I'll be right back where I started before becoming a fighter. I shake out all the drama… all the inconsistent nagging in my head… I focus on the job at hand… I focus on my discipline.

* * *

As I step into the cage, I make it blatantly obvious that I'm here to kick this woman's ass. I stare at the large woman across from me and never let her glare go. I go over the strategy that Coach gave me in my mind. This woman has a mean stare down, but I didn't give a damn about her eyes… she had a nasty right hook that has sent a lot of women falling into the black of a KO… but she has a very weak left knee. I smile and stretch as the announcer carries on about the rules and what is at stake. I am full of confidence. I know I can beat her… Marla has had the belt for six and a half years… and as far as I was concerned… she was just holding it for me. The announcer introduced the referee for the evening, Herb Dean. Herb motioned us to the center of the ring and he spat his 'fair fight' 'listen to me at all time' 'stay safe' speech and he told us to touch gloves… we just went back to our corners. There was no love in this ring tonight… blood, sweat, teeth… that was the only thing going to be kissing something tonight… the canvas.

Herb stood in the center; pointed to Marla and she nodded; pointed to me 'Ready?' and I nodded. He brought his hands to point to the center of the ring and yelled out, 'Bring it to the center, touch gloves, and come out swinging'… and that is just what we did…

* * *

When I first started to spar with the boys at the gym… there was no 'I Don't Hit Women'… there was only 'You Put Those Gloves on and You Are Just a Fighter'… I was shown no kind of mercy… I was taught that the moment you get into a ring… there is only fighting… the nice little girl was beaten right out of me. I would throw my glove out to touch one of the guys I was sparring and I would get punched for it. I learned that if I showed just a LITTLE bit of the 'Old Penny' that I was going to get my ass handed to me. So, I had to become a rock… a force… I had to become the beast that would make the boys think twice about volunteering to spar with me. I don't smile or drop my guard at anytime during the fight… I don't engage in any verbal confrontation… I just watch and wait like a predator picking out the weaklings in the herd. When I step into a ring… I am no longer Penny… I am the Demon. Coach would yell that my sparring partners were taking my pretty face and naivety as a possible weakness… after I dodged their jabs or kicks… I would utterly slaughter them. Coach had taken my natural will of fighting and gave me an animalistic hunger… He gave me stamina, flexibility, and power… He molded me into a TRUE fighter instead of some girl, childish, drunken idiot I used to be. I was a beast… his little monster; in a little, itty, bitty package and I knew I would never let him down.

* * *

Marla came out with a superman punch right off the bat and I dodged it like a matador waving its cape in the air and laughing at the bull. She got a few jabs to her nose for the trouble as she tried to recover from her momentum. I began the strategy. I moved and dodged and jabbed… ringing up point after point with the judges. She lunged for the take down and was met with my beautiful little knee to the chin. She swung at me, blindly, but I just backed away. She scrambled up to her feet and I suppress a smile at the frustration on the woman's face. She crow-hops with a straight kick and I side step. She jabs, I dodge. She takes a minute to catch her breath at all her ridiculous tries and I kick her hard and swift right on her bad knee. She bows a little and I can see her anger. We dance around a little and I can see her trying to figure a plan, so I do it again… I kick her harder and quicker in the knee. I can see her cringe as she lifts it a little bit to take the pressure off of it and I circle her like a hyena.

All the frustration building up tenses her muscles and I don't suppress the smile this time… the woman goes in with her solid, jaw breaking right swing and I use my speed to dodge it fully. As she follows her momentum; I plant my feet, put all my strength into my hips, and shoot my right shin into her diaphragm with a monstrous roar from my throat. The bone on flesh rings out and the crowd almost shares in the woman's pain as an 'OoooOOooo' rings out. Her body looks to be wringing out to dry against my leg as I could almost see her gasp escaping her mouth and she tumbles backwards. I waste no time… I throw my own superman punch and send my left fist against where her right ear and jaw meet. It was a sweet feeling… I felt nothing but all my power colliding against a smushy, movable substance. Her body does a comical twirl and her back hits the mat, hard.

I see her barely struggling to get up as the crowd goes berserk at the punch. I rush her with a right uppercut to her nose and she fails back to the mat, again. I jump and straddle the woman and rain down hammer fists and mean elbows on her unguarded face. I don't cringe at all the blood or the damage I'm doing to this poor woman, but I'm not stopping until she is either dead, or the referee stops me. When she was lifeless underneath me, and her blood caked the canvas below us… Herb Dean dives in and throws me off while waving his hands above Marla… I tuck and roll from Herb's toss and hop to my feet. I throw out my mouth piece and run around the ring while screaming in victory.

I run and jump into Coach's person and he catches the back of my knees as I raise my arms up and nearly cry. I won the belt… I FUCKING WON THE BELT! Nothing could ever feel as good as this moment… Nothing ever HAS. No sex… no sip of liquor… no paycheck… NOTHING will ever take the place of this feeling…

Discipline might have been missing as I cried and jumped and screamed with Hammy and Hot Sauce, but… it wasn't gone for good! It got me here… got me standing right here with my hand thrown in the air as the announcer screams into the hanging mic, "The New Women's UFC, Bantamweight Champion of the World, Penelope 'THE DEMON' Contandino." Discipline brought me a flawless victory… brought me to the belt… brought me to the highest honor a fighter could get… but as I looked to where my old friends were in the crowd… they aren't there… and though I smiled proudly as I held up the belt; I felt sick to my stomach and brutally hollow… I just wished that discipline I loved so much was with me before my dumb ass actions ripped the two greatest men in my life right from underneath me. The two men who had become such a vital part in my life at the time… As Coach puts the belt around my waist and I put on my fake smile… I fight off the tears that were building in my eyes… I wanted them here… Sheldon and Leonard… I wanted them here.


	2. Chapter 1: When Angels Lose Their Wings

Coach and I drive back to the gym with a fading rock station blaring inside his dust, old red Dodge pickup. I couldn't tell which song was supposed to be playing because they'd static each other out and randomly play bits of song. The radio on that thing still had a tuner and buttons that you had to push in hard and it would slide the turner to the station. Too bad the damn thing was broken. It was stuck on a channel that he could only get in Phoenix. I just smile and take it as it comes just like he does. I look down and put my hand on top of Coach's crimson-brown and white Australian Shepherd dog, Punch, as he rests his head on my left thigh. I smile at the young dog that went on runs with me every single morning. The only man I have had in my bed in three years. He was probably my best friend in the whole world. I lick my lips and stare out into the infinite foggy windshield and see the tail lights of Hot Sauce's Hyundai.

The road was not a smooth one. Actually… most of the roads leading from Nevada to Arizona weren't. We were heading down a dark, dusty, deserted road and all there was were stars. They were so bright and easily seen as I hang my head out the passenger side window. The dry air had bits of coolness in it as it flagged my shoulder length hay-colored hair erratically. Arizona… it was my new home… right in the middle of worn-down part of Phoenix… the gym that me, Coach, Punch, and eight other male fighters lived. I give a huge smile and pat the belt that was heavily sitting on the dash board and pulled my head back into the truck, "So, Coach, you think it would be too cocky of me to wear this baby all the time?"

He laughed his scratchy laugh and he looked down at the belt before pasting his eyes on the darkened road ahead, his Boston accent always music to my ears, "It might chaff you while you're running… better let me and the misses take care of it for you."

I laughed and hugged the belt protectively, "But… but Cooaaccchhh… I wanted to hang it above my bed."

He shakes his head, "You know better than anyone that you don't have any kind of room in that Easter Egg sized room you live in. How's this… we'll let Punch wear it." We both laughed as Coach's voice gets sincere as his hands twitch a little on the glistening steering wheel, "I'm really proud of you, Slugga… I been trying to get a fighter with HALF of your balls into my gym… you were damn near perfect in that fight tonight… DAMN FINE. Keep that up and we'll be having that belt embroidered with Hello Kitty."

I smile at him as I chuckle then poke my head back out the window. The wind was so loud, but it comforted me… helped my mind to wander and loosen up after such a display of adrenaline… I had looked for them… for all of them… after the fight. I wanted to apologize… I wanted to explain everything… but I never saw them… not even my sister which causes me to feel heavy and depressed. I shut my eyes tightly and try not to remember what I had done... How I had set two best friends against one another… well, more like one jealous boyfriend against his hung over roommate.

I could hear Leonard's voice echoing in my head as he screamed, "_WHAT THE HELL! You had SEX WITH HIM…__**HIM**__! OF ALL THE PEOPLE, PENNY… HIM! In the BEDROOM YOU KICKED ME OUT OF NOT BUT AN HOUR BEFORE!_" I lean my head in the crook my elbow as the wind flushes through my hair. My lips pressed against my own flesh just as the burning started to catch up to my cheeks… His face was so angry… so… hurt… I wished I could erase the images… the voices… the unbelievable yearning… Sheldon… Oh god… I had sex with Sheldon… No… No… I HAVE sex with Leonard… what had happened that night with the Whack-a-Doodle was MUCH different… Sheldon Lee Cooper… Mr. 187 IQ… made love to me. The images send my cheeks to full red and I bury my face even further into my elbow. The rush of the air trying its best to cool me down.

I remember every detail… which doesn't normally happen when I get drunk, myself. I believe the moment he kissed me… my intoxication evaporated. I do remember that he was SO drunk; himself… but you wouldn't have guessed it by his meticulously precise kisses, touches, and thrusts. Every single hair on my body tingled at its tip by his perfectly placed strokes, enticing laps at my erogenous zones, and scream-inducing contact. I always gave credit to Leonard for being a genius in bed, but he was a gorilla signing for grapes compared to Sheldon. I know I was loud… but for once… Sheldon appreciated it. I don't think I will ever feel as important to a man as I was to Sheldon in that bed that night. I was his white board… I was his untouched comic book… I was his precious schedule… His hums of pleasure in my ear made me cum by itself… He was… He was so… God… I had to cradle my head as the night's wind deafened my ears. I crossed my legs tightly and I could see Coach give a look before just focusing on the drive again.

That night was a blur of moans and tensed muscles… it was when I woke up about an hour later to the sound of my front door slamming shut and both of us soaked in our amazing satisfaction, that I realized that I was about to hurt a lot of people… not just Sheldon and Leonard… but Amy as well… He had come into the room and stared at us… both exposed, sweaty and panting… and Leonard lost it. I covered myself up with one of the sheets and tried to explain, but Leonard was in a fury… he yanked me out of the bed and yelled. His hand got tighter and tighter as he went on and on about why I choose Sheldon… it was to the point where Leonard's grip started to really hurt and his face was twisted in a rage I had never seen it in before… and before I knew it… Sheldon had gotten off the bed, rounded it to where we were, and punched Leonard HARD… The sound of bone to bone was painful to hear and I swear I could hear a few snaps within it. As Leonard flailed backwards, I backpedaled back onto the bed and rubbed my new freshly bruised bicep. I look from Sheldon to Leonard then back to Sheldon. He held his ground and stared Leonard down with a stern expression. When Leonard stormed out, I watched Leonard stomp through the front door and left it wide open. I turned to Sheldon and he looked insanely white… even for him. I stepped towards him, still clenching the sheet over my naked body, with an outstretched hand. I didn't want him to bolt… I wanted him to stay… but he looked at me for a brief moment… eye to eye… and without a word, he quickly snaked his way out of my apartment and closed my front door behind him.

Hurt, alone, sad… I got dressed and ran out of the apartment. I hopped in my car and just drove. It happened so damn fast… I didn't know how long I had been driving until I saw the lights of Las Vegas. I wandered around the strip until I found a bar. I went in and immediately ordered a straight shot of rum. Man after man bought me drinks until I was nice and drunk. One of the men's girls got tired of her boyfriend flirting with me and she got up in my face. I don't remember what the bitch was screaming; all I knew was that I didn't like her face. She put her hand in my face and I went red with rage… I swung to pop that bitch in the face, but my drunken sluggishness was easily dodged and I ended up punching some guy that was walking up to the bar. The man fell on his ass and all his friends around him just laughed and picked him up. The next thing I remember was being escorted out of the bar and pushed out the door as I put up no kind of fight. I knew I was a wreck… an utter mess. I deserved to be miserable… I deserved it.

Coach hits a bump on the road and I snap out of my funk for just a split second… Sheldon's twisted face just before he ran out of my apartment was still lingering, but it was the look on his face as his hips collided just right against the bottom of my thighs that had my face in flames. OH GOD! NO MORE! I pushed the thoughts out. I hadn't had sex since that night… I wouldn't say I DIDN'T miss it, but I had made it one of my public enemies… right after alcohol. Before I knew it… I had my pumps in my hand and looking for my car. I threw one of them on the curb because the heel was broken. When I found my car, I fiddled with my keys and they dropped. I lost my anger again and slammed my other shoe against my car door while crying and cussing. That's when I was approached by two men. One was the guy I punched out and the other was an older gentleman… Coach… who stood behind me and simply said, "You look like you could use a change." He was so right… and though it sounded like a madden offer of some sex crazed old man… I took it. Those next few weeks were a blur… I sold all my stuff… quit my job… sold my car… only to move into a dog's space little room on the third floor of a gym in Phoenix, Arizona. _Change can happen faster than you can handle sometimes, but learning to adapt is what makes you a stronger person_. Coach's words, that he'd spoke to me that night as I cried on his shoulder, just hummed in my head… and before I knew it… I started to doze off within the crook of my arm as the wind kissed against my forehead.

* * *

I woke up earlier than everybody in the gym, just as I always did for the past three years. I put on my running clothes and tied my hair into my normal ponytail without as much as a mirror. People who knew me as just 'Penny' would've laughed their asses off if they learned that I became a ritual morning person… a person that couldn't care less about fashion and someone who literally LIVED in sweatpants and loose hoodies. I didn't even need an alarm anymore. I woke up before the sun even THOUGHT about coming up… around 4:30am. It was strange for me, but the more I did it… the better I felt about becoming someone different. I felt more alive. It became somewhat of a routine… a ritual that I didn't want to shake. I no longer wore make-up unless I knew I was actually going out, which I rarely did… I only had hand me down sweats from Coach's teenage daughter… I didn't mind… After two years; I just got used to being 'One of the Guys'. Don't get me wrong, I still made sure to moisturize my skin and make sure my hair was perfectly brushed, but as for getting 'Dolled Up'… it was a thing of the past… it had gotten me into so much shit in the past… My thoughts were, if I hide behind baggy clothes, then no one would go out of their way to check out my ass… or my breasts… or my body period. I was safe… from them… and from the consequences that could ensue from me getting involved.

The guys that lived in the gym WERE men, but they had a respect for me that I adore. They flirt, sure… but never nothing for me to get offensive over. I sigh and push the thought out of my head as I look at the very small "space" I was housed in that was pretty much a small attic converted into a room. Though it was small, I still feel relieved that I had a place to live rent free, but every time I look at it… I swear the little 'Hospital Bed' of mine gets smaller… or maybe it was because Punch was getting bigger… I smile as I look down at the loyal Aussie who was lying on his belly in the middle of the bed, looking at me getting ready and waiting for me to give him the signal we were going. When I first started training, Coach JUST got Punch. He was only 8 months old. He was an absolute CUTIE. Punch was the first man here to actually accept me into the group… he even let me share his bed without giving him something in return. I bitched and moaned for the first few days I was here about waking up and smelling like a dog, but… with a few months of house training and cute little tricks… he became the perfect bunk mate. He was 3 years old, now, but still acted like a puppy. His tail was nothing more than a little nub and when he was excited... it wiggled and took his butt with it. I kiss at Punch and he wastes no time hopping off the bed and joining me as I jog down the two flights of stairs towards the 'gym' area.

The second floor was where all the boy's rooms were. There were eight of them and two bathrooms. The guys didn't mind… I never bothered them because I was so swift footed. The stairs never creaked when I was ninja running down the stairs. As I get to the first floor, I make it to the 'Break' area that was just at the entry way of the stairs. The layout was simple… long table at the right with 10 chairs… the sink and counter behind the table… the fridge… the door leading out to the gym… then more counter space where the oven, microwave, toaster, and blender were… and in the back left corner… coat rack where we hung the jump ropes and where I put Punch's leash.

I move and open up the fridge and take a swig of Orange Juice straight out of the container with my name splattered all over it. I knew the guys stole my OJ, but… what's mine is theirs and vice versa. I just like to write my name on something I actually bought with my own money. We had all become a family… all eight of my brothers and Papa Coach. We called each other by the names Coach called affectionately gave us… I, of course, was Slugger (or Slugga with an accent)…

There is Nicola Hernando, the guy I punched out at the bar in Las Vegas, who Coach called Hot Sauce… I didn't ask how he got it, because… frankly… I didn't wanna know. Hot Sauce was, now, more of a trainer than a fighter. He had busted his knee in a fight not too long ago and has been helping with everyone else's regimen. Hot Sauce has two daughters and a wife that can't stand him. They are divorced, but he still takes time to spend the weekends with his two very beautiful little girls. He brings them to the gym and all the guys blubber all over them. Helena and Josephine… they are little rascals. Hot Sauce and I get along just fine. He still brings up the night I punched him out and we joke about it. As far as personality, Hot Sauce is a guy that everyone likes. He is all about helping others and is extremely loyal… his wife… not so much. Thus, their divorce.

There is Kevin Tandarino; Coach called him Bingo because he was the oldest of the fighters… Yeah, never said Coach wasn't a dick! Bingo is 41 years old but still in fantastic shape. He is a Submission MASTER. Out of all the guys in the house; Bingo was the most mature. Whenever I see him, I smile because he looks like a guy off of Old Dinner Theater programs. He wears his robe, glasses on his nose, and reads the news paper as he leans back in the chair. Some of the guys call him 'Old Man', but I stick with Bingo… He gets enough crap as it is. His wife is a very nice woman and she brings the boys beer every Friday night for their little 'Poker Game' thing. Her and Bingo have been together for 19 years now and still just as much in love as they were back in the day. He is the best damn cook I have ever had the privilege of licking the plate of. He can whip up a gourmet pasta dish like a pro. His garlic-spinach rigatoni is probably a dish I'd kill for… no… not probably!

There is Michael Freeze; Coach called him Ice-Box. Seriously, Icee (it's what the guys and I call him) was your typical roughneck, bloody fisted fighter. He was only 23 and extremely cocky with a libido of an unrestrained stallion. In truth, he had the right to be cocky; he was a damn good fighter. His superman punch has broken a few of our punching bags off their steal hooks. He was the hardest one to get along with. He treated me like a piece of ass he could score… but… a nice little sparring match where I put him in a rear-naked chokehold until he either tapped or passed out… and… he stopped that pretty fast. He still doesn't seem like he likes me, but he says good morning to me… which is something I never used to get from him.

There is Hitori Kanawattaki; Coach called him Kawasaki… not just because he couldn't say the man's last name… but because he was a machine. Kawasaki was the quietest of the boys, but that didn't mean he was the weakest. This boy was a ninja in the ring. The height of his jumps alone could only describe the leg power he has. Kawasaki and Icee were in the ring one afternoon and a flying knee out of NOWHERE from Kawasaki put Icee right on the mat… KOed… Kawasaki didn't brag or puff up to show his manliness; he went over and helped Icee off the mat after he got Smelling Salted. Kawasaki is a fantastic artist, too. I was sitting at the table down in the Break area just doodling away (we have a TV… just gets three channels… and one is sketch). He sat down with his sketch book and smiled at me and asked if he could join me. It was the first time I heard his voice. It was so smooth and small that it made me smile. I nodded and moved some of my loose sketch paper out of the way and he sat on the edge of the table. He showed me his art and I showed him mine. He actually designed my tattoo on my back… and I wear it proudly.

There is Leo Zachariah Marshall; Coach calls him Ham-Fist because of how fat he is, but also how big his fists are. Out of all the boys in the gym… Hammy (it's what the guys and I call him) is the thickest of them all. He isn't one of those overweight guys that can't get out of bed… He is one of the big boys you think twice about making fat jokes to. He is an African-American, Sumo, beef cake that weighs about 317 pounds or more… I never ask him. He was the second easiest man in the gym to get along with after Punch. He is the happiest man I ever met. I have never NOT seen a smile on the man's face. He saw the fun and comical in everything. He took his training very seriously, but he had fun doing it. That made it easier for me to ask him for help in the gym. He was usually the guy that would hold the punching bag for me. He would tell me all these funny stories of him and his brother's prank war that spanned throughout the city of Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I couldn't get ANY workouts done with him around because he made me laugh too much. He is pretty much my brother from another mother!

There is Ben Joultan; Coach called him Big Ben while the rest of us called him 'English'. It was pretty obvious why we called him that was because of his accent. English was… the best I can describe him… a preppy, cocky, pretty boy with high regards to his penis. In the ring, he was a 'Chaser'. He pursued his opponent, mercilessly. The one thing that was well known about English was his ability of getting out of a hold with ease. His flexibility was astounding. Watching him move his body around in a deep hold… ok… I'll admit I had a few naughty images about him. Never EVER going to tell him, though… just builds his ego up. He knows how to talk to women to make them melt right at his feet and that has gotten him in a LOT of trouble with Coach over the years. Coach believes that a clear mind and body makes for a better fighter and when you're having sex with multiple women… that isn't being too clear in either mind OR body. Let's just say, out of all the people in the gym… English is an expert on the 'Jesus Walk'… a 'workout' at the Cross to Bear Gym where you do timed sprints with a seventy pound cross on your back… full blast… and if you don't make the time… you start over until you get it right. Poor guy… but… he's learned to keep it in his pants when he is in full training mode.

There is Carlos Diego Geraldo; Coach calls him The Tick. Tick was just some little boy that helped me bring in the groceries (it was my turn to get the groceries… not fun shopping for a bunch of guys, btw) one day. He was only 15 then and always hung around the gym; begging for money. I told him I'd give him some money if he helped me with the groceries without stealing any of it. Working at the gym was nothing like working at the Cheesecake Factory. I didn't have to be nice to a bunch of assholes for tips… didn't have soda spilled on me because of a clumsy patron… didn't have to shake my boobs at the cook just so he'd cook me a steak… all I had to do was clean up my own messes (which I've gotten very good about since my room is the size of a walk in shower at the YMCA), cook on my scheduled day, train, and lock up when I was going out. Coach and his wife were WELL off, apparently… They paid me $50 a day… just to be a fighter. I no longer spent it on frivolous things. We each put ten in a jar a day for groceries… which brings me back to Tick. I gave him $20 for helping me, but he just smiled and handed it back to me. I was shocked as I watched him go out into the gym. Coach caught him staring at a couple of fighters and asked him if he was interested. Coach is a kind man… he sees potential in everyone… and now Tick is 18 years old and looks like Sagat from Street Fighter. Tall, muscular… all he is missing is the scar and eye patch. Tick fights like a wild dog because he just wants to win so badly… Coach is still working with him… trying to get his passion under control. Tick is a great kid and he jokes around with me and Hammy more than any of the other guys. He's my younger brother from another mother…

And then there is James Thornton; Coach calls him Juggernaut because in the ten years this man has fought for him… he has never been Submitted or Knocked Out. Jugg (what we call him) is a hard man to get through to. He is distant and cold and looks like a man that just wants to fight and nothing more. I never had any problems with him, but that's not to say that he and I get along. The other guys are terrified of him. They spat rumors and 'legends' of the guy and why he looks so mean. Hammy always says that he is possibly half ogre who was cursed into human form and he is so pissed about it. Hot Sauce just shakes his head and says that the guy is just guarded… Coach just smiles and speaks with his Boston accent, "There are some people in this world that keep to themselves and wish that others would just respect their wishes." He'd look at me with that 'This Means You, Slugga' look and I would just sigh and wonder what it would take to actually get the guy to loosen up.

* * *

I smile and find the leash right where I always leave it; hanging up with the jump ropes in the back corner. I snag it off its hook as Punch leads me out into the creepy, dark, and abandoned gym. As soon as you walk through the door, there's the ring. Behind the ring is a long wall of mirrors that spans from one end of the wall to the other. That was where we did 'Cement Bag Rolls' and 'Jump Rope' since the floor was clear of all debris. On the other side of the gym were the weight lifting equipment and benches for bench presses and such. That wall was covered in mirror's too. There were random jutes from the wall where there were no mirrors, only bars for chins ups protruding from the wall. There was a clear path that led all the way to the front doors in between the ring and the work out stations. I follow the path but deviate from it to head to where the men's and women's bathroom/showers were. In between the women's and men's were two walls of lockers. I find mine and swirl the tumblers of my combination and pop open the lock. I take out my iPod and untangle my headphones. I put the buds in my ears and Velcroed my iPod around my arm. I take out the key that Coach gave me that was hanging on an old shoe lace and head to the front doors. Punch's nails and jingling of his collar were a regular melody for when I did this as I turned and punched in the combination for the Security system and it yells out it is disarmed. I hooked the leash to Punch's collar and unlock the front door of the gym and slip out. I lock the door back and slip the key around my neck and slipped it underneath the neck my hoodie. I throw the hood over my head and scroll on my iPod until I get to _Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner_ by Fall Out Boy. I let Punch mark the tree right outside the gym… let the music grabs my feet… and Punch and I take off down the sidewalk.

Phoenix was a fantastic city. Though it could get way too damn hot, the scenery was absolutely gorgeous. Punch and I ran the same route every day. We'd run through the city limits and headed towards Camelback Mountain. When I first started running, Coach had to keep yelling at me to stop bending over and get my fat ass in gear. I don't know how many times I sat in that bunk upstairs and plotted his death… calling ME fat! Bastard! But… with all the training in toe… it got easier and easier until it became like a second skin that I couldn't do without. Now, as the sun still slept… the city was chilled both in temperature and in traffic. Made it very easy to get to the outskirts of town without having to wait for the signals to sign for me to 'Walk'. I was in HEAVEN when I ran… the cool desert air… a fantastic pup by my side… and (the reason I learned that Coach made me run so damn early to get on top of Camelback Mountain) the breathtaking sunrise. It was SO worth the horrid hours… just to see the beauty that nature would keep to herself if she could.

As we get to the arch of Camelback Mountain, I release Punch and he goes running up the incline. I could keep up with him for a short amount of time before my legs start burning and aching then I have to slow down a little. Punch waits at the small plateau where we always stop and wait for the sunrise. He crouches his front down and puts his butt in the air and wiggles it playfully the closer I approach. I don't know why, but even as he gets older… it's still so freaking cute and always makes me laugh. I ruffle the top of his head as I get all the way up and he goes running all crazy like… nothing but turns and stops that make the dust rise. I wave the dirt in front of my face and chuckle at the happy dog's face… his tongue dangling blissfully out the side of his mouth.

I sit on a flat, elevated rock and (just like I always do) I think about the past. I think about whom I used to be and what it was that made me go to California in the first place. Being an Actress… so childish. No… I need to stop being so hard on myself… It was a reachable dream… it was plausible… but then I fell into a bottle… The same bottle that had me sleeping with anything that looked like a good time. That blinded my judgment and eventually led me here. All the people I thought would hate me, but… were at my fight… I was such an ass to them. I didn't even acknowledge them. I close my eyes and try to push them out… but out of all the people that I hurt…. Leonard and Sheldon's faces were always the ones that seemed to haunt me most. To think that I destroyed one while the other drowned ME… it hurt to think about… The only one I really kept in touch with… was my sister. She had moved to California with her damn piece of crap husband to surprise me… only to find out that I had left town without so much as a letter.

As the sun cracks the sky with colors only matched by girly, preteen clothing; I push the tears out of my eyes. My sister wrote me letters after she found out I was here and updated me on some of my friends. Granted… I haven't received one in two years… I do remember her saying that Sheldon had been transferred to Texas A&M's Physics department while Leonard was still at Caltech but very distant. I sigh loudly and it makes Punch jump up from his lying down position. I sit and wait until the sun floods the city below and I take in a deep breath and stand up, Punch's ears drooping on top of his head and looks at me. I make a kissing sound and he hops up and, with one more glance at the beautiful sunrise, we descend down the sandy hill and head back towards the city.


	3. Chapter 2: Just One of the Boys

_A/N:_

_So... This story is based off my time in the underground fighting circuit when I was 16. I fought for money, basically. I won't go rambling off about it because it was a pretty dark time in my life, but it's just a heads up while reading this that I have fought. I did my fighting with no rules and lots of training on the streets with big, burly men that when you saw walking down the street, you would probably cross to avoid them.*grins*_

_Anyways, all my OC's are based of those men I trained with. Meanest M. in the ring, but teddy bears everywhere else. Punch, the doggy, is actually based of my real dog (who is now 2)... Punch, short for Mr. Punchy._

_AND... then there's the TBBT gang.^^; Just added them in there for fun. _

_I'm sorry if you see any kind of errors because I really hadn't checked over this baby in a while. _

_Other than that... Enjoy!_

* * *

Putting Punch back on his leash; we jog into town. Over the last three years, the people on my route got to know me and Punch pretty well. Mrs. Martha Holgston was always the first to greet me. She and her two younger sisters owned the only Organic Supermarket in town and were pretty busy almost all times of the day. By the time I jog past it every morning, it's about 6:15am and she already has customers. Mrs. Holgston reminded me of my Gran. She was short, plump, head full of platinum hair, and always smiling. She sees me jogging up and she grabs one of her home grown apples.

I slow my jog to a 'running in place' and smile, "Good morning, Mrs. Holgston!"

She smiles at me so warmly as she tosses me the apple, "Good morning, Ms. Penny. Hello little Punch!" She makes kissy noises and Punch's butt goes a wagging. I smile down at the three year old pup then back at Mrs. Holgston, "How's business?"

The old woman's face lights up and she takes me in a big hug, "Ohh… look at you… always wondering about how we're doing… We're just fine, Dear!" She cups my chin with her hand and swerves my head back and forth, "You look as beautiful as ever. Hard to believe you're a champion." She lets me go, looks back towards where her sisters were manning the front, and leans in, "… I had all my money on you, dear…" She gave me a wink and I laugh knowing the Holston sisters were notorious for betting against each other. I hold up the apple and start to jog in place again, "Thanks Mrs. Holgston… see you tomorrow!" She gave me a wave and with a smile said, "Same time; I'm almost sure!" The town, itself, had changed a lot in the past three years. The people who owned businesses were lucky to last a month in this dreadful economy. The Holgston sisters were fantastic people… they knew your name as soon as you hit the door so that made people almost look past the prices.

I was jogging up on the only other person that I have greeted for three years straight in this horrible economy and that was Mr. Jenkins. Mr. Jenkins is an 89 year old black man who can fix damn near ANYTHING… and I mean anything. His wife past away last year at the age of 94 and it nearly broke my heart. Mrs. Jenkins was the town sewer and she didn't care what color skin you were, what gender you fell in love with, or who your momma and daddy were… she was gonna tell you a story. She was the best story teller I had ever met for the simple fact that she had lived more than any person I knew. My favorite stories were the ones about how her, her husband, and (at the time) her 14 year old daughter became foster parents to three lion cubs. When one of the local circuses shut down, all the animals were being shot (euthanasia was expensive), and Mrs. Jenkins smuggled the three out. Mrs. Jenkins used her heifer's milk to feed the little cats and trained them like dogs. There were two boys and a girl. Mr. Jenkins named the two boys Rash and Sticky while their daughter named the little girl Daisy. They raised those lions until they were too big then, some big show in Vegas gave them a call and bought all three with the promise they'd take very good care of them. Mrs. Jenkins had the pictures of their three lions and her family hanging up the shop.

As I jog by, the old Mr. Jenkins looks at his old watch hanging on a chain at his hip then looks up and give me a smile, "Why Penny, you are three minutes late… been letting that ol' Hag gnaw your ear off, huh?"

I stop and laugh. Mrs. Holston and Mr. Jenkins were old friends and they called each other bad names as old habit, "Now Mr. Jenkins… I love you to death, but if Martha heard you calling her a Hag AND old… she'd beat the living stuffing's out of you."

He gave me a laugh, "That old bitty would probably chop me up and use me as Organic fertilizer. Anyways, I'll tell it to her face when I see her. Only fair… never get tired of seeing that woman all in a frenzy. So, still got that belt of yours?"

I smile at him genuinely, "Yes sir… you should come take a look at it sometime. It's really heavy, but it clashes with all my outfits."

He gives an old man laugh, "Anything would look good on you, sweetheart! You take care now!"

I smile and jog backwards for a second, "You too! See you tomorrow!"

He gives a wave before starting to rock in his rocking chair in front of his store and I clear two more blocks and take a left. Punch starts to speed up at this point because we're almost home. I take a break at a little dirt/tree clearing right outside the gym and let him 'mark his territory' before going to the gym door and unlocking it. Punch slips in and sits beside me as I lock the door back and smile down at him, "I have trained you well, Grasshopper." I unhook his leash and he goes flying towards the Break room.

I can hear Tick's high pitched voice doing baby talk to Punch and I jog towards it until I pop inside and see all the boys looking overly sleepy and I smile. I go to the sink and wash off my apple and take a big, juicy bite out of it. Hammy slides over to my left and smiles big, "There's that beautiful ray of sunshine that I needed to see this morning." He wraps his big arm around me and pulls me into a big hug and plants a kiss on the side of my temple, "Now… I can go out there and beat the living crap out of English."

I grin and chew the bits of apple in my mouth as Tick smiles big at me from the long table in the break room while English shit talks back to Hammy. I wiggle my brows and he slides over to make room for me. I sit and he bumps me with his arm, "We were watching your fight on YouTube. You know that baby has over a million hits. Dude… she didn't even get ONE hit on you. They're calling it… 'Flawless Victory'"

Hot Sauce looked up from his bowl of cereal right across from me, "Guys… that woman got super pissed and tried for a knock out swing and missed… Slugger kicked her ovaries right out of her ass." He chewed on his POPS as I hear all the guys laugh. Bingo was sitting right beside him with a cup of coffee and reading a newspaper with his reading glasses on folded the top of the newspaper down and smiled at me, "I heard you jumped up and down on her like a trampoline until Herb Dean threw you like a tennis ball." I took another bite of my apple with a cocky smirk. Hammy spoke from all the way at the end of the table, "I don't know, but Coach told me about that left HOOK… Ah DAYUM! That woman's head bobbled all the way down like she caught the Holy Ghost… had to check her after the fight to make sure she didn't swallow her mouth piece…" He took a big scoop of his cereal and shoved it into his mouth as the other guys continued their ritual of eating breakfast, then getting ready for their run. Coach liked it that I ran earlier than the boys… he said he didn't want to be getting calls early in the morning from the 'fellas' asking to bail them out of jail because it looked like they were all chasing after a pretty blonde woman… he thanked me for being an early bird.

The lights in the gym flashed on and we all knew that Coach was here. We all straightened up all dramatically just as he made his way into the break room and went straight for the coffee. He pours himself a cup, puts his allotted sugars and dollop of cream, stirs it, and takes a sip before sighing happily and saying, "Good Morning Fellas… and m'Lady." We were all trained to say 'Good Morning' back to him in unison. He sits in 'His Spot' in front of the table and Bingo hands him the Sports section of the newspaper as he sips at his coffee again.

He flings the top of the newspaper down just as Jugg descended the stairs, just finishing putting on his sweat shirt. I follow Coach's eyes and stare at the fairly handsome guy. He reaches over English and grabs an apple and moves behind me towards the gym. When I look back at Coach, one of his brows are raised and he is grinning. I bite into my apple and with a mouthful say, "What?"

He flings the paper down and changes the subject, sort of, "It's been a week since you won that belt… you plan on keeping it?"

I take another side of the apple and chew/talk, "Damn right I am!"

The boys smile and nod their heads in pleasure to my answer and Coach gives a big smile as sips his coffee, "Good to hear." He looks down at his watch then back at all the guys and clears his throat. They all look up and he taps his watch, "Why ain't you boys running, yet?"

That sends the table in a frenzy as food is shoved and drinks are downed before they all scramble up and grab their coats and head for the door. That just leaves me and Coach. He gives me a look that tells me he has business to tend to. He throws a pile of paper down on the newspaper that Bingo left and he looks at me, "Listen here, Slugga… you have become a huge target. Your fight has gotten so much publicity that our publicist is about to hang himself. I got endorsements all over the place and they want one thing… you. You know that your fight has more than a million views on it. People want you."

I toss my apple core into the trash cleanly and look at him with a blank stare, "Is that bad?"

He laughs, "Good God… No! This is a really good thing for this gym AND for you. The problem is… I'm worried that you'll let it go to your head. Fame will take a lot of your training time. Commercials, speaking to the public, and photo shoots… they are a fighter's McDonald's. Tell me… I want the truth… is fame what you want?"

I don't hesitate, "If you would have asked me three years ago, Coach… It would have been ALL I would've wanted… But I'm not that girl anymore… I did all this work to be the best and I plan on staying that way. I didn't do this for the fame… I did this for me! I won that belt for ME… I DO want the gym to be as high as it can get, but… if I lose this belt in the next fight because I was posing nude for a magazine for fighters… then it will only hurt us in the long run. Coach… nobody is taking this belt from me until they can prove they can… I want to train… I want to _TRAIN_."

He gives me a very big smile, "Spoken like a true warrior. Alright, m'little Slugga… we'll hold off on the deals until you are sitting on your throne of bones." He slapped the table and stood, "Let's get started… jump roping, abominable work outs, and some other foot work regimens."

* * *

Coach always took an hour before each of our workouts. It was mostly a warm up of the day and then, the rest of the day is ours… we can slack off, lift weights, spar, pretty much anything unless one of us had a fight coming up… then we'd be 'Partnered Up' and pushed to our absolute brim. For most of my fights, I partnered up with Hammy or Tick. They were normally the ones glad to help, but… I felt an urge…

I hear the pumping of the speed bag as I finished my work out of the day and I look over towards the noise. I see Jugg punching away all by himself. I take a squirt of water from my bottle and nerve myself to approach him. I don't know why, but I just felt like today was the day I was going to test my limits with this guy... I wanted to break into that 'Fuck Off' bubble he had placed himself in for so long… Everyone else was paired off into groups of two and I was suddenly NOT tired (even though I was panting and sweating from the workout I just finished). I squared my shoulders and took in a deep inhale… I was going to ask him to spar with me.

I walk up to a man about 6'4", 269 pounds, pure muscle, and stone faced. I can see all the boy's eyes getting bigger and the tension in the gym gets a little heavy. I didn't care, I felt almost invincible... I could hear his Five Finger Death Punch blaring out of his earbuds as he professionally swatted at the speed bag. I rounded and stood before him as he punched the bag mercilessly and his punches slowed. His movements stopped as the bag slowly drooped to a stop and he stared at me with a bloodthirsty look. I smile sweetly and with a tinge of cockiness. He takes his earbuds out with a lethal glare and I talk, "Hey, Jugg… I was wondering if you could help me in the ring… a little sparring?"

His angry look turned to suspicion. He looked around the gym at all the guys staring and each couple he landed his eyes on… jumped and bolted back to what they were doing before the stare off. He sighed a very defeated puff of air as he shook his head and looked back at me. He reached into his pocket and turned off his iPod. He put his iPod on the bench and gripped the towel that was around his neck and flung it on top of it, "Alright. Get your gloves and I'll meet you in there."

I looked shocked that he accepted, but smiled and nodded as I went to go get my sparring gear. English and Tick take either side of me and lean in as English's accent cut in, "Have you gone completely MENTAL!?" Tick whispered as he wrapped his arm around English's neck, "You asked him to SPAR with you? He's MURDERED people in the ring, Slugger! LITERALLY! He doesn't care if you're a girl! He will grind your bones to make his fucking BREAD. Don't DO IT!"

I spin from my locker and look from one of them to the other, "Guys… GUYS… I think I can handle it." I pat their cheeks with each of my hands and throw my padded helmet on and slip in my mouth piece. As I get to the ring, I stop at the ropes and put on my gloves and was shocked as Jugg walked over and held open the ropes. I hesitated for a moment before slipping underneath them and got into the ring. Jugg stretched his arms and rolled them in a circle a few times before turning to me, "What do you need help with? Your speed almost exceeds most of the MEN fighters so you I know you don't need that… your grappling could use some work, but I'm more of a stand up fighter. Your striking is accurate but you're still photographing your movements… anyone looking for you to strike will see it coming."

I take the mouthpiece out of my mouth and fight the shock that this man kind of gave me a compliment then told me my weakness. For a guy who never spoke to me until this very day… he knew a lot about me and my fighting techniques. I don't suppress the smile I speak, "Power… I want that power-packed punch that sends people on their ass from just the breeze from it." I watch his face as he listens. He chews on the edge of his mouthpiece and nods. I look straight up to look him in the eye and he smiles, "Alright, Sweetheart... you want to train with me; you need to know a few things. I don't believe in excuses so don't bother coming up with any. If you fuck up… move on. If you do something right… move on. Power comes from discipline and for the past few years you've been here… I know you know that. Power doesn't just come from your arms… it comes from your feet… your ass… your shoulders… your mind. You overcome all pain, all exhaustion, all previous limitations… and you will have power. You still want this, girly?"

He bends down with his emotionless eyes and I step forward and straighten myself up, "Hold UP, Slim. First of all… who said I wanted you to TRAIN me… I just wanted a sparring match… SECOND, you want my respect then you better start dishing it out, like, right now. I want you to know that I will do anything you tell me to do without a single whimper from my lips, but if you call me some foofoo girly name like Sweetheart and Sugar-pie again… I'll put you right on your ass. My name is Slugger… SLUG. ER. That's what I go by in this gym and that is what you'll call me. I don't want your praise, big guy… I just want your knowledge."

He backs off me with a huge grin and puts his hands up in a defensive manner, "Ok… Ok… I'm sorry!"

Coach entered into the ring where me and Jugg were standing and he blew his whistle. We both jumped and looked to where he was standing, "Well… this is something I thought I'd never see…"We both looked at Coach with pensive stares as his smile widened, "You two are partners now… you run together… eat together… train together… Slugga needs to keep that belt… and Jugg will be helping her." Coach looked happily emotional as he pointed to each of us and I couldn't understand why. Coach clapped his hands and gave out a hearty chuckle just before turning and blowing his whistle loudly into the gym then spoke loudly to all the guys, "ALIGHT BOYS! Put on your good clothes… we're taking Slugga out for a victory dinner!"

All the guys gave a 'WooT' and ran off into the men's bathroom area to shower as Jugg approached Coach. Jugg looked overwhelmed and panicked and didn't bother whispering, "Coach… this is NOT a good idea…" Coach snapped his body around and looked up at Jugg, "You can talk about how ugly my wife is… but the moment you start to question my authority and judgment, we begin to have problems. That's FINAL, Jugg… you're training her! GET. OVER. IT!"

Coach moved around Jugg's defeated looking pose towards me and took my head in his hands and kissed my forehead, "My wife picked out a dress for you. She wants you to go try it on. She's bringing here for you, so… shower up and meet her in the women's locker room." As Coach gets out of the ring; I hear him yell for Punch and the dog runs after him.

I take off the gloves and pocket my mouthpiece and head towards where Jugg was still standing with his head bowed. I didn't understand why he was so hell-bent on NOT being my partner. Was he a sexist asshole? Either way, I was not happy with him. I moved by him and headed for the ropes and callously spat, "Oh God… Poor you! You have to train with the dumb little blonde girl. How will you EVER be able to face yourself in the MIRROR." I slipped in between the ropes, fire on my cheeks.

"You aren't stupid."

My whole body froze at that simple sentence. One of my legs were still in the ring; in between the ropes as I stare at him. His face was different… it was calm and genuine. He stared at me with those bright, honey brown eyes for only a small moment before letting out a huff of air and dropping his gaze. He flung himself out the side of the ring and jogged to the men's bathroom leaving me staring after him with my leg still being held captive by the ropes. I did it! I confronted the big, scary monster, and he turned into a pretty decent guy. I didn't know if I am too thrilled about Coach making him my permanent partner, but… I was looking forward to peeling back each of that guy's mysterious layers. The thought of peeling ANYTHING off of Jugg made me blush like a little school girl.

* * *

Mrs. Magdalene Cross was a hard woman to describe. Her physical features were simple enough… but her personality was… complicated. She was a strawberry blonde 70 year old woman who looked like she fell off an old ad for Georgia's Housewives. She was the type of woman to take in a filthy, stray dog, and turn it into Pedigree Dog Show material. She was a woman of discernable taste, but she had no filter… She spoke whatever was on her mind and GOD FORBID you didn't agree with her… she'd talk you into believe the sky was Tickle Me Elmo pink. I loved her, I really did, but I could only handle her in doses (almost like Coach). This woman LOVED me… but a love that a child has for a doll. She was just so glad that Coach took in a woman into that 'Man Cave' of a gym that she made it her mission to visit me once a week with girly things to make sure I'm not being 'Manned Up'. Bless her…

Mrs. Cross As squeals with joy as I walk into the girl's bathroom of the gym (where Mrs. Cross insisted on me meeting her). She scoops me into her big bosoms for a hug that always made me feel a little more comfortable than I should be, "They seem to be feeding you just right. You look so plump. You need to stop lifting all those weights before you get man arms… I mean, your hands already look masculine enough… don't want your arms to do the same." I give her a warm smile, knowing if I say anything, she'd only say 'You Can't See It Because You're Too Close To It'. She moves almost overdramatically dainty to a long, zip bag over a hanger and brings it back to me. "This, here, was Lauren's when she was a skinny little thing. I told Jordan to take you out to celebrate your victory! That heavy little belt is taking way too much space in Jordan's closet… Lord… but he is so proud of you! Oh… Lauren and all her little friends were talking about your fight being a top video on one of those sites all these kids get on now… Our little Penny is a super star!" I smile at the pride on Mrs. Cross's face as she unzips the bag and brings it to me, "So, I hope this fits… I even brought you a pair of my shoes… you and I wear the same size... It's that FUN! AND I made sure that they matched the dress, too… so, you try them all on while I go to the car and get my make-up kit."

I feel a sting of panic for some strange reason at the mention of make-up… I haven't used make-up or dressed pretty since Pasadena and it was beginning to make me panic… My fear had blown my thoughts way out of proportion… like she was going to go out there to get make-up and bring back Leonard... or Sheldon. I shut my eyes tightly trying to push those thoughts out of my head and before I could stop my tongue, I squealed, "Please… Mrs. Cross… this… this is… this is way too much…"

It doesn't stop Mrs. Cross but for only a second as she holds up her hand and yells as she exits the bathroom, "Non-sense, Penny… I'm not letting you go out with a bunch of boys… looking like one! I'll be back…Try on your dress!"

I grip the zipped bag in my hands that encased the dress while staring in horror after her. I mentally slap myself out of my funk and calm myself down, "Take it easy… TAKE IT EASY… It's just make-up. JUST. MAKE-UP!" I breathe in and out and focused on the dress. I move in between the hall of where the lockers were on either side and make it to a bench that was right in front of a body long mirror. I take off all my clothes, except my white, cotton Hanes panties and slip on the Carolina blue dress. The fabric is cool and feels like water drifting down my bare breasts. It fits my every curve. It drifts just below my knees with the fabric straight and wrinkless. The straps of the dress were thin, but fit comfortably over my collarbone. The fabric of the straps got thicker and curved underneath my arms easily, almost cupping the side of my breasts. The back of the dress is open and dips in a skinny shaped 'U' just at my lower back; showing off my angel/demon wings. I stare at myself in the mirror first, with pang of guilt… My hair was still a little damp from the shower as I grip the shortened ends and brought it over one of my shoulders… then, I smile softly. This dress was beautiful… I sigh as I realize that I had been letting stupid things rule my life, again. A fear of being beautiful… no… it wasn't a fear of beauty… it was a fear of becoming that person again… becoming that girl who hurt SO MANY people because of her drinking and fornicating… because of her beauty. Before I have anytime to delve into my mind further, I hear Mrs. Cross's squeal as her heels hit the tile floor coming towards me, "You are STUNNING, my Dear! Even if your muscles make you look a little too butch… It's ok… your figure is to DIE for. A little blush, a little eye-liner, and a pair of heels and no one will be looking at your man-arms." I roll my eyes with a smile of amusement and Mrs. Cross goes to work.

* * *

I can hear all the boys chattering about video games or the last football game in the break room as Mrs. Cross leads me towards them. She arrives first and I stand behind her as she clears her throat, "Gentlemen… GENTLEMEN! I give you… Ms. Contandino." She says my name with a sultry voice and she stands aside waving her hands like a model showing off merchandise for The Price Is Right. I twist my face in derision at her over-exaggeration and then notice all the boys loose jaws hanging open and I start to blush and feel overly nervous. There's that fear again… I haven't been stared at like this in a very VERY long time. I step in the break room, my hands becoming sweaty and tight as they are both gripped in a praying stance just below my belly. I give a smile, unclasp my hands, and curtsy to try to alleviate the burning on my face. "Gentlemen."

Mrs. Cross hurries in front of me, bless her, as she scoots the boys out, "C'mon now, C'mon… we don't want to be late…"

I let out a sigh of relief just as Hammy walks forward in a very sharp suit. I raise my brows, "Why look at you Mr. Hammy… you are one super fly mother…"

He spins and shoves his hands into his pockets and extends the jacket out a little as he quickly says, "… shut yo mouth."

We both laugh and he wiggles his tie and walks with a bob and he says, "Why Ms. Slugga… you are looking OH SO fine!" He extends his elbow out to me, "Would you do me the honor of being my arm candy until we get to the restaurant. I loved watching the boys biting on their lips, wishing they could be me."

I give him chuckle and a smile as I wrap my arm around his insanely muscular arm, "Hams… why would I be on anyone ELSES arm… you're just too damn fly for me to pass up!"

He smiles down at me, "Oh SLUGGA… you know what a man wants to hear! And besides… no one can resist the swag!"

I groan at his use of the term 'Swag' and lean into him and we just laugh as we head out of the building, but not before putting in the code for the Security system and locking up. Hammy was one of the few guys that could keep me level headed. He was a great guy and one of my best friends. His girlfriend was just as funny as he was… and just as big. Big Crystal… That's what the guys called her. The Big C… I just called her Crystal… I know… makes me sound like a punk… but Crystal was a big girl and I wasn't stupid. She definitely didn't like me the first time she met me and that scared me because she could pick me up and break me like a melting Snickers bar, but… I eventually grew on her (thanks to Hammy). She, apparently, thought I was a threat; that Hammy was trying to sleep with me. It made for a tense scene, but once it was over and sorted out… Crystal and I became pretty good girlfriends. She brought me magazines from the company she worked for that was not too far from Vegas. _Style and Drama. _It was a pretty interesting magazine filled with the latest gossip from TV, Music, Fashion, and Politics as well as fashion tips and the newest fashion styles. It was free, so… I didn't complain. Another thing Crystal did for me was bring me home cooked food. Her fried chicken made my eyes water. Her home made biscuits were another thing I may have killed for. But, out of everything she made… it was her Southern styled Sweet Ice Tea that I loved the most. Coach would probably make me do a thousand Jesus Walks if he found out I drank that stuff, but… it was DAMN NEAR WORTH IT! It was what I imagined Heaven would be serving if I made it up there. God Bless Crystal and her tea…

* * *

Hammy and myself make the turn to the restaurant and I can see the boys crowding around the entrance with Coach and his tie being prodded by his wife, but I also see a bunch of college students gathering outside the restaurant too. As he and I walk down… many of the college kids look at me and begin whispering and pointing. Hammy speaks my curiosity, "Wonder what's going down? I see some Texas A&M shirts... what the hell they doing in Phoenix?... … …" Just as Hammy says A&M… his voice trails and I freeze in place… It causes Hammy to jerk to a stop as he looks back at me… he is speaking to me but it is as if he were underwater. My focus is on the man that haunted my mind even when I was awake... the man from my past who I thought I would never see again… Yet… there is was… standing right in front of me… standing there as if he had never changed at all… tall… dark hair… plaid pants… a flash t-shirt underneath a dark jacket… and… those blue eyes find mine… they go wide as the rest of his body mimics his shocked eyes. I can't look away… not even as all the college students are staring at me and still whispering gossip. Hammy breaks in between and shakes my shoulders and I whisper very softly and still in a comatose state, "Sh… Sheldon?"


	4. Chapter 3: When Pasts Collide

I was shaking against the strong hands of Hammy… I was praying to some deity that he didn't recognize me… that that person was NOT Sheldon… that it was just my mind fucking with me. Hammy's voice was urgent but he was still waterlogged in my ears. The look on his face was urgent and scared. He was mouthing something that my ears refused to hear as his grip tightened. It was him bellowing out my real name that snapped me out of my insidious panic, "PENNY!"

I knew my face was expressing exactly how I was feeling. I was freaking out… I was now reaching out and holding onto the front of Hammy's jacket. I was clinging to him… hoping that my hold on to the present would keep me from having my past coming back and it was freaking Hammy out. He took my hands into his and pried them off his jacket, "What the hell is going on? HEY… Look at me!"

"Penny?"

My eyes shot open wide as both Hammy and myself looked over at the sound of the voice. His voice… Sheldon's… He looked stunned… Relieved… Angry… all wrapped up in a twitchy, tense body behind blue eyes. My eyes begin to water as it got harder and harder to breathe. Hammy, obviously sensing my distress put his big body in between the two of us and stared Sheldon down with the ferocity that only a UFC fighter could muster. Sheldon, not shy to being beaten up by bullies, stood his ground with a twitch here and there. I knew he wanted to run, but… I didn't want to see him go… but I didn't want him to stay either... Hammy crossed his arms in front of his broad chest and licked his lips before saying with a deadly voice, "I don't know who you are, pal… but if you don't back the fuck up… we gonna have problems." Sheldon flinched at the cuss word and back stepped as Hammy took a few steps forward. Sheldon's voice was almost like silk, "Please… I know her. She was my neighbor for over 6 years. My name is…" Hammy grabbed Sheldon's shirt and pulled the lanky man to be face to face, "Does it look like I give a damn what your name is?" My breath hitches just as the college kids start to circle around us and whispering 'Dr. Cooper's about to die'. I close my eyes very tight… I was battling with myself and as I opened my eyes and watched Sheldon cringing and waiting for the punch… I found I couldn't bear seeing just how fragile he still was… and the anxiety disappeared just enough for me to save him from my friend, "Hammy… it's ok… this… this is my friend… don't... don't hurt him."

As if being called off the kill, Hammy's facial expression softened and he smiled and extended his big hands out to Sheldon, "Sorry about that… She's kinda like my baby sister… Gotta watch out for her. I'm Leo Marshall, but all my friends call me Hammy… you know… ham-fists." He swiveled his hand back and forth to show Sheldon what he meant. Sheldon fixed the ruffle in his shirt and returned to his robotic, emotionless state as he spared a look my way. He looked so hurt… so… longing. I swallow and look away and I hear Sheldon speak, "Well, Leo… it is a pleasure to know that my friend has made excellent friends… I am Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper… it's a pleasure to meet you." I look over to see Sheldon extend his hand out to Hammy. Hammy shakes it gently and my jaw drops. Did… Did Sheldon just initiate physical contact? It was then that Hammy's eyes narrowed and his head cocked to the side… Oh GOD… my heart stops for a second. I had told my story to Hammy so many times that it was almost as if Hammy was there himself… so it was only natural that he would recognize the name. I could see the big man thinking and as he opened his mouth… and his words rebutted my fear, "Holy SHIT… You're the GUY!" Hammy starts to laugh wholeheartedly and he looks over at me. Sheldon, not understanding why Hammy was laughing so merrily, looks over at me and I purse my lips and look away again.

Sheldon cleared his throat and addressed Hammy, "Well, as I am sure you are a very pleasant person to know and speak to about how to build your muscle fibers into the size of an Endomorphic figure… I, however, would like to have a few words with my friend, if you don't mind." Sheldon then spoke louder as to signal that the next part was more directed towards me, "You see… My class… MY STUDENTS are only here for a few days before we have to head back to College Station and the A&M campus. And I would very much… please… please Penny… I would like to… to just have a few moments to speak to you. I have… I believe there is an explanation due on both our parts."

Hammy stayed with his plans of protecting me. He knew all too well how bad off I was just by the stories I had told him. He was the shoulder I cried on for months about the last incident so he knew how sensitive I was about my past discretion… but Hammy also knew that Sheldon was the last person I had intercourse with and that accounted for the sheepish grin on his face as he watched Sheldon fidget madly. I blushed and felt horrible about not looking at him or speaking to him, but I just couldn't face him… I couldn't face this man that had given me such a fantastic moment only to leave me feeling like a diseased rat. After a few minutes of watching Sheldon dance, Hammy straightened his shoulders and got serious, "Look… I'm sorry Doc, but we're late for our dinner party. I mean… you had your chance with her… about three years ago… so… you might be a little too late."

Sheldon's face twisted at the man's words as he swallowed deeply. His eyes closed tightly and his face fell in defeat… I could see the glare of tears building up in those gorgeous blue eyes… he huffed loudly and stared at me, "Penny…I know… please understand that the situation was nothing that you interpret it to be. I… I wasn't running… I wasn't running… from you… I would never!" He takes a step towards me around Hammy and I look up at him… his face so sincere, "I never regretted a single moment… I never once regretted it. Please… I would only need a moment to explain…" Hammy walks towards Sheldon with his arm stiff as if blocking for a quarterback and started to guide him away.

I notice that I had been holding my breath. I gasp for air and the tears just roll. Hammy turns to look back at me then back at Sheldon. He grabs him by the front of his shirt again and leans close to him and whispers something sternly. I couldn't hear anything but hisses and eventually, he pushes Sheldon away. Sheldon stares at Hammy with the face of a child in awe then gives a nod. He looks at me with humanly regretful eyes. He raises his hand up and snaps his wrist in a small waving gesture. He doesn't wait for a reaction from me and he sadly turns away. All I could do was watch him walk away with blurry eyes and wonder why I had become some introverted coward. I was a fighter now… but if you didn't know that and were watching that scene… I was just some frightened little child hiding behind a very big man… I watch him as he starts waving his hands in the air and yelling for his students to gather. Hammy flings his arm around me and leads me to the restaurant without saying a single word as we walked.

Sheldon didn't look over as he seemed to lecture his students on the safety of crossing the cross walk as we passed close enough for me to hear him and Hammy pressed me into the restaurant. I was in shock, to say the least… I had never had a plan for when I would see him again because I honestly thought I never would. And… low and behold… there he was… standing outside the very restaurant my new family had chosen… in a city that he didn't know I lived in… acting like nothing had changed between them… like he didn't leave me sitting on a bed naked and wondering why she thought he'd changed… I remember him clearly running… leaving me feeling like the dirty slut he kept thinking I was… and through all the pain and anguish that I felt because of that one night… it was his running that had ripped my heart apart… not Leonard snarling and grabbing me so tightly that it left a bruise for months… SHELDON RUNNING… and now, he says that I didn't know the whole story. Why in the hell was he running, then? He said he didn't regret a single moment? What the HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT? He FUCKING RAN OUT OF MY BEDROOM AND LEFT ME THERE TO CRY MY DAMN EYES OUT… TO RUN ALL THE WAY DOWN THE STAIRS WITH BLURRY EYES… TO DRINK UNTIL I COULDN'T EVEN FEEL MY FACE… to run right into the arms of my new family… All of this… All of this was because of Sheldon. All the animosity I was feeling just snapped into anger and I had no way of knowing how it happened. I was officially pissed at Sheldon for assuming that he could just waltz back into my life with his cute little butt and breathtaking blue eyes… NO… NO… he ain't gonna win!

* * *

Hammy's hands were still pushing me along with I snapped into 'Bitch Mode' and I flung away from his touch. I stomped over to the table all the guys and Mrs. Cross were with my heels tapping angrily against the wooden floor. They were at a long table with a seemingly longer couch like seat on one wall and the other side had five chairs… I violently slammed myself into the side with the couch seat right beside Bingo and crossed my arms. I was furious… I had every mind to run out there and drag Sheldon in here and have him explain this SHIT to me! Hammy sat across from me and he looked a little afraid at me body language. Coach, on the complete other side of the table, called out to me, "What's goin' on? Hams… what the hell did you do to her to make her so damn mad?"

I growl, "It's Nothing, Coach…"

Coach must have given Hammy a look because he sighed, "We had a little… well… ummm… we had a bit of a confrontation outside, Coach… nothing to worry about though… it'll be taken care of tonight!"

Coach bought it for the most part and everybody started to talk again. My grumpy position blended into a form of horrified realization as I lean towards Hammy with a look of shock on my face, "What… what do you mean IT WILL BE taken care of? Oh God… Hammy… what did you do?"

He looked to make sure that no one was too interested in their convo before he leaned closer and looked at me sternly, "Look… I'm gonna take the boys and Mrs. Cross out for some drinks after this dinner… YOU…" he hands me his key to the gym and continues, "… you are gonna go home, just like you always do when Alcohol is involved, and wait for your boy to come. Look, Slugger, I know a broken man when I see one. You… you might have been wrong about this guy. The way he looks at you… man… only one type of man looks at a woman like that... LOOK! There has to GOT TO BE an explanation as to why he ran. I mean, he is a little strange, but… those eyes told a whole different story. He wanted… he wanted to see you… he wanted to see you so desperately… Oh MAN, Slugger… he just wanted YOU. Talk to him… Talk to him and get your closure… I know if he gets outta hand that you can handle yourself. I mean, SHIT… you hit like a damn freight train. Just, hear what he has to say… and… maybe YOU can finally tell him everything that's been eating away at you. Might be good for your soul. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart. If you want to let go of something… if you want to forget… you cannot hate." I look at him and every piece of anger in me died. He always had the right words… Damn him. I gripped the key in my hand and smiled at him.

Ever since I got here… being with these people… the word 'Love' has become so easy to speak. I, genuinely, loved these guys. It wasn't a romantic love, but… I still meant it when I say it. They never asked more of me than I could give and when they did… it was only to better myself. They respected all my anxieties and even helped me through many of them. They never asked me if I wanted a beer or a shot of liquor… they never invited me to the bar, and, though, some people saw that as hurtful… I knew they did it so as not to tempt me to drink. They always offered their hand to me when I was knocked down just so they could pick me up. They never hit on me, but they did do some playful flirting… They were my brothers and I… I was just one of them. Some people see that and think that I was a lesbian… a hot woman like me not getting any while being surrounded by all these sexy men? Definitely a lesbian? But, they could say what they wanted to… I was done with the sex card… the drunk card… the FAILURE card… I was here to be the best. I trained my ass off just so I could shove those pretty little words those people were saying right back into their throats… I had the belt now… and all they had was their feet in their mouths. These were my boys… They were boys becoming men… men becoming legends. Some of the things they did, reminded me of my friends in Pasadena… They loved comic books and video games. They read science magazines and even watched chick flicks with me like Raj used to… yet, these men were different in much more different ways. They were their own person and I fell in love with every one of them. These men… they mean so much to me… so when I whispered, "I love you so much" to Hammy… he just smiles big and winks and answers the same way that all the other boys did, "I know you do!"

* * *

The dinner went by without so much as an afterthought of the events before. We all laughed and talked about the most memorable fights we ever had. Through the whole venture, I couldn't help but look a Jugg. He was three bodies down from Hammy and he looked so emotionless. Even when everyone laughed from a joke that Coach told, he just licked his lips and looked down at his cleared plate with just his napkin sitting in it. As everyone at the table laughed again, he noticed I was staring and he looked at me with a bit of suspicion, but he didn't look away. I gave him a smile. I wasn't REALLY attracted to this guy, but… there was a pull or push whenever I saw him. He just shook his head and avoided my stare. He was a conundrum that I couldn't quite grasp. I mean, I won't deny the man was handsome… he could give Robert Downey Jr. a run for his money. He was in his thirties and his body was immaculate. His arms, back, chest, and legs were covered in Native American and tribal tattoos. He had a totem pole of real animals down his spine with wall painted animals designed all around it. He had big bear paw prints on his chest and his arms were swirled up in black, tribal ink. His legs had Native American designs circled around his leg all the way down in intricate colors. I learned that James's fighter name was 'the Shaman' a few weeks after joining. It suits him.

Everyone was full and Coach was buzzed and happy. He raised his fourth, half empty beer mug in the air and yelled, "To Slugga… the FOURTH best damn woman in my life!"

I lean towards the middle of the table and yell back, "Fourth?"

He laughs, "My mother, my wife, my daughter, THEN you… HAHA, you keep on winning and I might bump you up to Second!" Mrs. Cross smacks her husband and we all laugh. Everybody holds up their glass and looks at me and yells out, "Slugger!" I watch them all drink what they had and felt a swell of pride… I stood up at the end of the table and everyone stopped and looked at me. I smiled to them all and felt I needed to speak, "You know… The moment that I thought my life was over… you guys took me in. You didn't put me on a pedestal… you didn't stroke my hair and tell me I was beautiful… you kicked me… punched me… ran me till I couldn't breathe… you made me strong… ALL of you made me strong. The more I got to know all you guys… the more I was glad I ran from who I was. You… all of you… are my family. So… raise your glasses back up…" I take my cup full of ice water and I rise it above them as I stood and smiled down as they followed suite, "… we drink to teamwork… family… camaraderie… but most importantly… we drink for prosperity… may we never fall further than we can get back up." I look around at the men and my eyes fall to Jugg. He is smiling at me and he nods with his drink in his hand. I smile and display my water before drinking and everyone mimics. I sit and hug Bingo and he puts his head on mine as Tick reaches out and messes up my hair from beside him.

Hammy stands up, "Aight, boys… and Mrs. Cross… I'm taking you all to the Rhythm Room and we are going to celebrate the HELL out of a girl here…"

He looks over at me with a look and I read it perfectly, "Guys… you know I don't drink…" I point Hot Sauce and give him a smile, "You better not drunk dial me again… at least, not without a condom, this time." All the guys started to laugh very hard. I learned that the boys dared him to call me while he was super drunk and 'talk dirty' to me… little did any of these guys know that I was a Big 'Ol Five, so when he called… I talked dirty right back at him… he got a boner in front of everyone… I don't think anybody has let him forget about it, either. I felt bad, but he took it in good fun… even asked if I wanted a cigarette because he needed one after that. Hot Sauce rolled his eyes at my statement and even Coach had to laugh.

Hammy makes a signal of looking as his wrist as if looking at the time and nodded for me to go. I suddenly get a rush of apprehension, but I get up and keep my smile, "Alright guys… have fun… I'm gonna turn in… getting pretty late. Night Mrs. Cross… Night Coach!"

Mrs. Cross blows me a kiss and Coach gives me a wink. As I walk away, I look down at the key that I was gripping tightly in my hand and my heart thumped against my chest. I exited the restaurant and headed towards the gym. It had been far too long since I walked in heels so my feet began to throb and I could feel a blister forming on the side… but pushing through pain was now my specialty. I found myself almost speed walking… all my fears of seeing Sheldon were gone. I wanted to hear what he had to say… I wanted to KNOW everything. I had assumed the same thing for three years and it ate away at my mind for so long. Then, another rush of dread hit me. It had no explanation, it just bombarded me.

My pace slowed as I could see the entrance to the gym. The tree adjacent to the door had a figure leaning against it. One foot was on the tree trunk while the other held up the slim form. I could see the figure mouthing to itself until one hand swept across its face and over its short hair. It pushed itself off the tree and I knew it was Sheldon. He paced while looking down at the ground with one hand up as if lecturing as he whispered to himself. I grinned, despite my growing tension. He came… and now he was going over his speech. I step out of the darkness and the sounds of my heels echoing against the pavement stopped him cold.

His mouth slowly parted as he looked at me. He was so… Sheldon… but there was just something so different about him. I smile and approach him at a decent speed and stop only a few feet to where he stood, "Hello."

He swallowed and his eyes sparkled in the yellow glow of the light post that drooped just before the gym's sign, "Hello."

We shared an awkward smile before Sheldon put his hands behind his back and looked up at the gym, "I would have to say… you becoming a fighter was a higher statistic than you becoming an actress…" It's all he said for a few minutes… the same old backhanded compliment… I wanted to punch him in the face, but… I smiled. I actually missed him. His face was unreadable as he swallowed and finally looked back to me. His eyes were endearing… they held so much emotion that I could barely keep my eyes on them. The last time I looked into this man's eyes this closely… I was screaming his name… the blush hit my face harder than any punch I have ever endured. I moved very fast to the door and unlocked it, but waited to open it. I turned back to him, "Sheldon… listen… we shared a very personal connection that night… we… we made love… and then… you RAN, Sheldon. You ran right out of my room... right out of my apartment… and dragged my heart behind you. What could you possibly say to me that would elevate all the hurt and embarrassment that I had to endure from that night?"

He looked at me with confusion. I could almost see the cogs clicking as his eyes narrowed, "Penny… you are not the only victim of that night… I…I bro…"

I cut him off, swiftly, "LOOK! I want to show you my new home… I want to show you how happy I am now… You and Leonard are just a memory… two parts of my past that have haunted me for almost three years. As of right now…we'll talk… then… you'll leave… and then I can finally move on. You got that, Sheldon? You understand?"

He nods, "Though your tone is mighty harsh… those terms are acceptable." He gave in so easily… Him… Sheldon COOPER… GAVE IN… EASILY? The way I look at him makes him give me another look of confusion. I push the door open and head immediately to the Security Keypad and put in the numbers. Sheldon slides inside and I go to lock the door back. The 'Night Lights' are on meaning there was a bit of orange, dingy light within the gym. The system yells 'Disarm' and I can hear the claws and paws of Punch galloping towards the stairs from above us. Sheldon looks positively terrified as Punch pauses in his normal Aussie stance with those ears perked and that piercing stare and I just smile, "Punch is a lover, not a fighter."

Sheldon looks at me, "Punch?"

I smile and kiss my lips and the dog comes galumphing down the aisle. Sheldon stands jagged as Punch runs circles around us. I bend down and he tumble-rolls on his side and presents his belly. I bend down and rub it then look up at Sheldon, who had calmed down exponentially, and I smile to him, "Sheldon… I'd like you to meet my roommate and best friend in the world… Punch." He sits up and does a perfect 'Sit'. I motion for Sheldon to bend down and he obeys as I rub the pups head. He is right beside me and I reach out and pull his arm out. My rough and calloused fingers brush against his perfectly smooth skin as I flip his hand over and softly say, "Punch… say hello to Sheldon." Punch, not missing a beat, threw his paw into Sheldon's outstretched hand and Sheldon smiled beautifully and shook it as he spoke to the dog, "Very nice to meet you… glad to finally see one of Penny's men with such good manners." The joke was meant to cut the awkwardness, but it seemed to only build it up more. I stood up quickly and Sheldon followed, more cautiously.

I felt a burn in my chest but I just plastered on a fake smile… the fake smile I hadn't had to use since Pasadena… and I apologize to him, "Umm… I need to take him out for a second… the break room is just down there… could you wait for me there?" Sheldon looked to where I pointed and nodded dejectedly before heading there.

* * *

I let Punch out and he headed right to the tree… marked it… then ran back inside. He was never one to dilly dally… damn him! I locked the door behind me and see that Punch wasn't waiting for me. I take off the heels and carry them like a bag between two of my fingers and clear the gym to the break room where Punch had run to. The brownish-red dog was sitting in between Sheldon's legs with his tongue dangling out of his mouth as Sheldon stroked his face. Punch sees me in the door way and comes to me leaving Sheldon hunched over and looking towards me. I flip the switch to the light in the break room and toss my shoes in the corner underneath the jump ropes, "So… could I interest you in a beverage? Or… would you like to get straight to the awkward conversation?"

He lean back and rests his hands in his lap, "I am in no need of refreshment… we may begin this talk for I have to get back to the hotel to make sure my students aren't breaking curfew. Tell me Penny… which are you more incline to do first? Listen or talk?"

I grab a chair and slam in right in front of him and it causes him to flex backwards. I stared at him and dared him to say something… DARED HIM. He swallowed hard and audibly as I took the chair and looked at him, "That whole Saturday was nothing but random bouts of frustrations, disappointments, and strangeness for me… It started when I was called 'too fat' at my audition… Then, to make my day SO MUCH better, when I got to work… my uniform thrown up on… got a drink tossed in my face… and even had a man nearly choke me to death because I accidently stepped on his shoe… Yeah… I didn't press charges when the cops dragged his ass out of the restaurant. I didn't even get a chance to tell Leonard any of that because before I could even get to the top step of the forth floor… he was trying to shove his tongue down my throat." Sheldon looked a little uncomfortable with the tone I was using, but I just kept trucking, "I had to knee him in the groin just so I could get some air. I don't know HOW, but I made it to my apartment, but not before Leonard had unbuttoned my vest and blouse and kissing on my cleavage. I managed to convince him to letting me take a shower before we got 'down and dirty'. When I got OUT of the shower… he THREW ME on my bed and tried to have sex with me… well… as you could imagine… I wasn't in the mood… nor was Leonard in the mood to listen because he kept grabbing me and putting his lips all over me and completely ignoring my attempts of saying 'No'… so… I slapped him… pretty damn hard, too. He finally let me go and I threw him out with a very high pitched voice. He called me heartless and a fucking ice queen and he stomped out of my apartment. I didn't even bother closing the front door as I grabbed the wine…OF COURSE." I could feel the tears building at the way Leonard snarled at me but more so at the fact that I drowned my pain, again, in alcohol.

I swallowed because I knew what happened next… and so did Sheldon, "I had downed about two full cups of wine as I was crying my eyes out… and then… there you were… leaning against my door… and I could tell… you were drunk as a skunk. You came in without doing your little crazy knock thing and sat right beside me on the couch. You didn't care that it wasn't your spot or that my apartment was a little messy… or that I was drinking again… you looked… sincere… a completely different person as you asked me what happened. I told you everything that had happened… then… you took my head in your hands and you kissed each of my eyes. When I looked at you… I melted… I FIGURATIVELY melted right into your steady, certain hands… you spoke something so beautiful to me… I couldn't remember it, but you leaned in and then you kissed my lips…" I lick my lips and find the courage to finally tell him this, "I have had sex… a lot… you don't have to add any comments to that… but I have never felt so significant than when I was in your arms…" I finally look up at Sheldon… having stared at my feet telling the entire story… and I finish my confession, "… no one has EVER treated me with such regard… so slow and sensual… it felt like you never wanted anything more than to be with me at that moment… that drove me to edges I have never experienced. Sheldon… we made love… we didn't engage in coitus or perform intercourse… you made love to me unlike anyone I've ever had. Other guys… they always pump away like we're in an orgasm race… you… Oh, Sheldon… you got deeper and deeper and just hit places that not even my gynecologist knows about… JESUS, SHELDON… you were a GOD in bed…" I stand up, my eyes were wildly darting anywhere but where he was, and I could feel the rage take over where the sensuality left off, "… and then… then… YOU RAN. Ran right to your apartment and left me naked and confused… making me think that you regretted EVERYTHING… that… in the end… I was the SLUT you always thought I was… and I… I just had to get away. Not just from you… but from IT ALL… My Failed acting career… The Cheesecake Factory… Leonard… PASADENA! I got in my car and I just drove… drove right to Las Vegas where I punched a Lightweight Champion fighter… and his coach gave me a chance… a chance to get away… a chance to finally… to be NOT me. Now, I'm the Women's Bantamweight Champion of the World… I am somebody… I am Slugger… I am a fighter… a warrior… but if there is one thing I am NOT anymore… it's… Penny."

I paced around the chair very slowly for a moment, just to cool myself from the past pain and Sheldon didn't move. He just watched me. I gripped the headrest of the chair with a tight grip and bowed my body. I was really embarrassed about all my words, but it felt incredible to finally say it to someone it affected more than me. Sheldon's voice was calm… not monotone like it usually was… just… calm as he spoke softly, "I didn't run away from you… I didn't leave because of what we did… if you are willing… I would like to tell you my side of the story." I looked up at him from my bowed position at the chair and nodded. I actually did find myself interested in what made Sheldon go from germaphobe to mid-night lover. He motioned for me to sit and I slowly obliged.

* * *

Sheldon spoke as a storyteller would… not like a cocky Physicist with an eidetic memory… "I spent the first part of the day with Amy Farrah Fowler at a very intriguing seminar entitled: **_The Neurobiology of Drosophila Courtship Behavior: Wired For Sex._** Little did I know that that was what Amy Farrah Fowler had in store for me as we returned to her apartment… she began intoxicating me with what I believe was spiked YooHoo and I lost all inhibitions… I don't remember anything that proceeding the moment where Amy Farrah Fowler and myself were completely naked on her bed. I do remember attempting to dispel her from the coital nonsense, but… I could not… something within me just couldn't resist…" I see his disposition shift from anger to an almost nauseous look and I feel my heart begin to race, "… I tried so hard to go slow… knowing that my size is not an average one and Amy Farrah Fowler being a virgin… I could cause much pain to a virgin and her un-ruptured hymen… but Amy Farrah Fowler was far too brash… her legs crushed me into her very hard and very fast… I felt the rip… I pulled out of her immediately and she… she looked at me in confusion… she… I… I was mortified and she was just angry that I stopped…" I put my hand over my mouth and just watched all the emotion flood on Sheldon's face. He was so traumatized by ripping something INSIDE of someone that he stopped having sex with Amy… I urged him to go on, "… Amy threatened me as she handed me another YooHoo and as I drank it down… I started to feel light headed again… and my cognitive functions finally worked to allow me to learn that she spiked the YooHoo…

Inebriated and angry, I called off the Relationship Agreement due to fraud and manipulation and… took the bus home… the alcohol made the ride bearable and I didn't think about one germ or the fact that I had no bus pants… when I got off the bus at Los Robles… I headed up the stairs just as Leonard came running down them. He bumped my shoulder and just flew down the flights in rage. When I got to our floor… there you were… door wide open and you were crying your eyes out with a bottle of wine. You were a friend in need… and so… I came to the rescue." His facial expression soothed and he looked at me with compassionate eyes, "I had no intention of engaging in coitus with you… but the more I looked at your sad face… the more I wanted it to go away… the alcohol got me close to you… and my baser urges did the rest… I wanted to taste you… I wanted to touch you… I wanted just one night where I could finally escape the loneliness… the pain in my chest… the nothingness that waited across the hall… and there you were… you were beautiful and in need of so much that I knew I couldn't give you, but… I found myself willing to try. I was overcome with emotions and a quote came to mind… you said you didn't remember it, but I remember it, '_You… I've spent hours contemplating the words to say to you, but no combination of twenty six different letters could ever accurately capture even a sliver of what this feeling is… this unsurpassed aching that only occurs… when I'm with…You._' The moment my lips touched yours… I could feel all the anguish just fly away. I cared about Amy so much… but the feelings I had suppressed for you had nowhere to go… not until I was there with you… it had nowhere to go but against you… inside of you… all around you… I wanted to remember everything about you… your sexy whimpers… your husky groans… the way my name seemed so right slipping from your lips… and when I believed nothing could ever feel better than having you in my arms… you came all around me… and then it was over. I fell into the deepest and most fantastic sleep I have ever been in and all around me was your scent… your hair… your taste upon my tongue… just YOU. I knew… I knew I wanted this… I wanted to have this with you over and over… but I could never have it." My heart was beating against the side of my ear and a throbbing at my core. I was so glad Sheldon was staring at HIS feet as he said this because I just might have been swallowed whole by his cerulean stare. I was shaking, but… I wasn't scared… I was overwhelmed, but before I could even contemplate more… his voice broke the quiet, "Then, there was Leonard… all I can remember is the sound of Leonard screaming and I woke up just as he gripped your arm tightly and ripped you out of bed. He looked far too emotional and far too unstable… he looked like he was going to hit you. I feared the worst as I heard you cry out in pain from his grip, so… I came to your aid. The moment I hit Leonard… I momentarily regretted it. I was bombarded by a sharp, blinding pain rippling through my entire arm. I was so very glad he left because I don't think I would've been much help to you after that… I felt sick to my stomach as the pain only intensified… and that's when I realized… I may have broken or fractured a few of my metacarpals… knowing you had NOTHING in your freezer to use as a compress… I ran to my apartment and grabbed as many bags of frozen vegetables as I could and wrapped my hand with them with some plastic wrap, with great difficult, mind you, then raced back over as soon as I could to tell you that I had possibly broken some bones in my hand… but you were gone… GONE! Penny… I tried to call you but your number wouldn't even go through… I tried to email you but it would just be bumped back… your family had no clue where you were and the Cheesecake Factory states that you had resigned…"

I could feel my heart dropping and throbbing in my stomach as my lip began to quiver. He looked for me… He looked everywhere he knew WHERE to look… Through the tears that disoriented my sight, I could see Sheldon extending his right hand to me and outstretched his fingers as he spoke, "I received a Boxer's Fracture to the second and third Metacarpal of my right hand. I had many pins placed because of the misalignment. They were removed, but left very distinctive scars on my hands."

I took his hand and examined his proof… little scars on either side of his biggest knuckle looked so small but oh so beautiful. I look up at him and felt like the biggest fool in the world… In just that brief moment, staring at his scarred hand… I felt all the resentment I had for this man just lift off my chest and it was replaced with a sad smile. I feel the rush of emotions that had nowhere to go but just to flow into my chest. I bring his hand to my lips and I kiss between his first two knuckles and I hear him hiss softly and shudder. I look up at him, my lips barely off his skin, and I see him gasping for air, "Please… please Penny… don't… I am uncertain at how much I can hold back. My… my mind… my memory… it replays that night over and over no matter if I'm in class… in the shower… or having breakfast with my mother… I have never stopped thinking about you… it didn't stop, even as I took my students to a 'Sciencepalooza' held only at the Phoenix Convention Center by bus just yesterday… where, during the ride over, one of my students played a YouTube video where a woman defeated a champion without so much as a touch received and I found that statistically improbable… I joined to watch this video… and there you were… a woman that I would never have… who I hadn't seen in three and a half years… holding the belt, but looking so sad. I made her replay the video again and my heart, metaphorically, stopped beating as I realized your gym was out of Phoenix, Arizona. Every movement you made replayed that night in my head and I found breathing become erratic and my students gave me weird looks… I could never describe to you how much I have longed to see you… to tell you how much you mean to me. Penny… you… I will never find the words I need…" He stops talking and just looks at me in desperation… as if he wants my help, but… I couldn't breathe… I was sitting here... Sheldon Cooper sitting right in front of me… and him, what sounded like he was, confessing that he… he loved me…

The front door slammed shut and both of us leapt from our chairs as Punch goes running, from where he was lying underneath the long table, towards the noise. I hear a voice asking Punch how he was doing and my heart leaps… Jugg! As soon as Jugg comes into the light of the break room, his eyes go narrow and stares at Sheldon with a death stare. I smile, "Oh wow… Um… Sheldon… this is James Thornton… we call him Jugg." Sheldon steps forward and offers his hand and Jugg just stares at him. When he looks over at me… I could see his jaw clench. He looks back at Sheldon and takes his hand and shakes it firmly but says nothing. He stares Sheldon down once more before breezing past him with Punch right behind him. Sheldon swallows tightly and looks to be trying to calm himself down… not from the encounter… but from the intense conversation before.

I sigh and look at the time on the microwave… I had four hours left to sleep before I had to be up and ready to run… but… as I look at the dejected form of the lanky man before me… I felt a tug that I hadn't felt in a long time. A tug of undeniable sexual yearning… I take a lot of deep breaths and win the battle against my desire as I spoke sadly, "Sheldon… I have to go to bed… got training in the morning… I… I… I'm sorry… I'm sorry for… for leaving without saying anything." He turns and his face is emotionless, but soft and he licks his lips and lowers his eyes, "And I am sorry… for… leaving you in such a vulnerable state. It was never my intent on making you feel cheap or unwanted… I assure you… the feeling I had for you was quite the opposite." I smile with a happy sigh as I take my bottom lip in between my teeth. I didn't want him to leave and never be apart from my life again… I lean over and take a marker from one of the drawers and wrote down the number for the gym on a torn off piece of menu and handed it to him, "Here is the number for the gym… ask for… for Slugger." I say the last part low and Sheldon snorts. I look at him and grin, "Don't laugh… it has real meaning, now!" I ball up my fist and Sheldon holds up his hands in a playful manner… An apology and a playful manner… was this REALLY Sheldon? I smiled and gave him a wink.

I walk him to the front door, the word 'Love' floating all over my head and… it was becoming a hard word for me to say… again. This 'Love' wasn't the brotherly love… it was the raw, emotional, passionate Love that made me shiver in my boots like a coward… and as I let Sheldon out of the door, he turned and looked at me and our eyes didn't just lock… they sizzled and crackled. He took in a shaky breath and barely whispered, "Penny… I… well… ummm… goodnight…"

His eyes fell and he seemed to fall into a pit of timidity. He turned to go, but I grabbed his dangling hand as we tried to speed walk down the sidewalk. I yanked him back and when he found his footing again… I wrapped my arms around his neck and I met him more than halfway as his lips electrocuted my senses. We kissed for only a few moments before he pulled away, his eyes fluttering open just as mine did. I grinned goofily at him as he licked his lips and closed his eyes as if he just got water drenched upon his lips in the middle of the desert. Our bodies… our breaths… our gazes… they had been so thirsty for one another that it took everything we both had to pull away.

I bit at my lip as he waved his hand at me while back pedaling and he almost ran into the tree. I smile and give him a wave back as I slipped into the door, locked it, and grabbed my chest. I could not contain the girly shudder that sprawled down my spine as I slid down the door frame… Oh My GOD… I was in love with Doctor Sheldon Fucking Cooper. I let out a sigh, give out a huge smile, and touch my red hot cheeks as a fangirl squeal hums in my throat.


	5. Chapter 4: Can an Angel Fall Twice?

I fell into the small bed, reached behind my head, and grabbed the pillow to hug it to my chest and bury my nose into it as I smiled like a girl falling in love for the first time. Everything felt... weightless... as if it were almost impossible to ever come down... he wasn't the Sheldon I used to know and though that scared me more than I would ever admit, I couldn't stop smiling. He broke his hand... that was why he looked so… sick… so… horrified… he broke his hand… for ME. I stare up at the murky skylight way above my bed and let the happiest tears I've cried in long time just bleed into my hair line and across my ears. The skylight was always a comfort to me… I couldn't see the stars, but knowing that there was open space above me made this claustrophobic room tolerable. Sheldon's words… Sheldon's lips… Sheldon's scent… it was all around me and I had never been so turned on in my life. The many years of not having sex did do a number on me… but I knew I have a short time before my body would jolt awake for my morning jog. I pull up the old-time, brown, soldier's wool blanket over me and that signals Punch that he can ascend on the bed (who had abandoned me and was sitting at the closed door to Jugg's room just as I was ascending the stairs). I almost laugh every time I lay in this bed... I'm glad I don't date because I would hate to see the faces of the guys I brought here as they looked at my bed. It was an old hospital bed that looked like it came out of a horror movie about an insane asylum. I took the side bars off and they were neatly tucked beside the bed closest to the wall. I had a little table the size of a step stool and on it was a single frame. The picture was taken by Coach and it was of me and Punch just outside the gym when Punch was only a year old. I was sitting on the curb almost beside the tree with my back to the camera and Punch sitting right beside me… his head tilted and resting on my shoulder. I loved that picture… it was a brief moment and I was glad someone had caught it.

I snort as Punch takes his place beside me and stretches his long legs. It feels like his is trying to push me off the bed so I swat at him and he situates himself better. Punch wasn't a fairly good sleep mate, but I had learned that if he didn't sleep in the bed with me... he would just sit at the side of the bed and stare at me all night. It was an utterly creepy feeling... something staring at you ALL NIGHT… so I would let him sleep with me and pray I didn't get kicked out of my own bed for the trouble of it. I smile and flip the pillow under my head and Sheldon fills my head again. Everything was different... what happens next? We cleared the air… he confided in me… he shared his emotions… what if he wanted more… more from me… I couldn't... I just wouldn't! I couldn't see myself as the happy little wife with two little kids and Punch running around in a white picket fence... I COULDN'T! I want to be happy... and here is where I'm happy. I smile everyday... I get to see the people that MAKE me smile... could I give that all away just on the off chance that Sheldon would? He didn't REALLY say he loved me... I just jumped to conclusions, AGAIN... I groan within the confounds of my pillow and let my mind wander... and I eventually doze off.

* * *

My eyes snap open and I know my internal alarm went off. I throw my head back on my pillow and hum a moan before kicking myself up. Punch, always ready to go, jumps off the bed and I hear his nails hit the hardwood floor. My soft bare feet touch the floor and I stretch. I slip into my morning routine… I go into the bathroom that was seriously the smallest room I'd ever seen. Taking a shower was like showering in a phone booth, but the water pressure was perfect. The sink simply floated underneath the small square mirror and the toilet was seriously only inches away from the sink. I womaned the rundown bathroom as best as I could. I screwed a small shelf above the toilet so I had somewhere for my deodorant, hair brush, and other toiletries. I put an elongated frame that had 12 spaces for pictures and they were full of me, the boys, Coach, and Punch all dressed up in our Halloween costumes from two years ago. It was my favorite picture of the guys… even got a shot of Jugg as a caveman… he put up one hell of a fight all night, but I finally got him to pose. I sigh and use the bathroom, brush my teeth, brush my hair, and slide it into a ponytail. I go back into the small room and slide open one of the drawers of the biggest thing IN my room… my nightstand. I take out the sweat pants of the day and slip them on over my shorts. I change my nightshirt with a sports bra and grabbed my hoodie that hung on the back edge.

I jog down the stairs after Punch as I slip the hoodie over my head. A very quick flow of Sheldon slips into my thoughts as I pass the boy's floor. I make it to the bottom just as I popped my head into the hoodie… I have to suppress a scream that erupted from my mouth as I nearly ran right into Jugg. My hands jolt up to cover my mouth and Sheldon disappears as I stare at Jugg with wide eyes. He barely even flinched as he munched on the rest of his Poptart then spoke, "Was just about to go wake you up… Don't you normally run around this time?"

I recover as he walks away from the stairway. I feel a little bit of confusion and anger as I stare at his back as he leaned into the fridge. I take a few steps and growl out, "Yeah, I DO… **_I_** normally run around this time… so why the hell are YOU up?"

Jugg leans up from the fridge, obviously hearing my disdain, and closes the door. He licks his lips and narrows his eyes, "I'm your partner now… remember? We have to get on the same schedule. I knew you wouldn't change YOUR schedule, so I just decided to join you in yours. So… what's the plan? Jog around the block? Hit the Star Bucks later?"

I wanted to slap that cocky ass look on his face RIGHT OFF… I step to him and his cocky look falls to 'I Am Man and Strong' facial look, but I don't hesitate to yell at him, "Listen here, PAL… This is MY routine… MINE! It is the only time of the day where I can get away and think and not be surrounded by arrogant, testosterone-driven muscle heads like you… We may be partners, but I really don't want you ruining my thing… you'll only screw up the timing and make me have to modify all my procedures of the morning…"

He looks at me like I said the most stupid thing he'd ever heard and I slowly realized that… I sounded just like Sheldon… Oh GOD… As my face shifted to bemusement; he rolled his eyes, "I won't mess with your procedures, there Doctor House… just tell me what you do and I'll… I'll… follow… whether you like it or not." He says 'follow' very low and almost as if he gagged it out of his mouth. Jugg didn't seem like much of a follower, so I could only imagine how badly he hated to be one… especially when the person he's following is a woman. I sigh in defeat and brush past him to get my OJ. I take a swig and he groans behind me. I ignore him but he does something I never believed I would ever hear from this gargoyle of a man… he says something about his personal life, "I couldn't get my wife to stop drinking out of the carton… is it just a woman thing?"

He automatically regretted his words… I could tell by his face… but it could've been because of the sappy look I was giving him. He groans a little before trying to head towards the gym, "Wait… Jugg… You have a wife? Why have you never introduced her to us? I would love to meet her."

He paused in the door and put one of his hands and gripped the frame, menacingly, as I could hear the wood under his monstrous grip clicking and popping from the pressure as he yelled, "Just drop it… alright? Forget I said anything… Let's go, we're losing time." He didn't yell the last part, but his voice was back to its low, uncaring tone as he moved forward. I kissed at Punch, grab the leash from where it hung, and followed him very sheepishly.

Jugg waits at the door, staring outside of it just to avoid me, and I slip the leash on Punch's collar. I see that Jugg has his key in hand and has already disarmed the system and is just waiting for me. He hears me approach and he throws open the door he already had unlocked and holds it for me as I slip outside with Punch to my side. He closes the door and I can see the stern profile of his face as he locks the door back. The lock clicks and he pauses there and slowly looks towards me, "I'm sorry I yelled." I give him a smile and a little nod. His face softens and I talk, "I run to Camelback Mountain then back… I don't stop at Star Bucks… the smell of coffee makes me nauseous now… I do talk to Mrs. Holgston and Mr. Jenkins… but nothing too long." I give him a tightlipped smile and start jogging, Punch already ahead of me.

I didn't grab my iPod and I very much regret it. It's too quiet… but the sound of the wind rushing by was becoming very deafening. I almost forgot that Jugg was with me until he bolted past me. I narrow my eyes as Punch tries to catch up with him. Jugg slows back down to where he is effortlessly just jogging beside me, "Well, I can see you can't keep up with me… thought you were fast… guess I was wrong about you." He gave me a look that I could only describe as disappointment and mockery just as he takes off. I know all he is doing is baiting me… but that cocky ass smile of his has to go… I reach down, unhook Punch, and I take off as fast as I can and zoom past Jugg… seeing him jump from surprise at my speed made it that much sweeter.

Before I knew it… we were past the edge of town and heading towards the mountain… him getting a few feet ahead, then me… If I wasn't so damn determined to beat this clown, I would say I was having fun. Punch was already digging his paws up the plateau and I beat Jugg to the mountain side… As I stop, my heavy breathing tries to shift into laughing as I turn around and see Jugg hunched over, gripping his knees, and trying to catch his breath. Through gasps of air, I started talking shit, "What… was that… about… not… keeping… up? Yeah… that's what… I thought!"

He laughs as stands up tall and outstretches his arm and rest his hands behind his head; opening an easier pathway for air, "I'm pretty… damn sure… I was neck… and neck with you. Can't talk… too much… shit."

I smile as I catch my breath faster than him. Running every day really makes it easier to recoop. He looks over at me with a softer look in his eyes, "Now what?"

I point up the plateau where Punch was looking over the edge with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. The sky was getting to be a lighter shade of blue so I knew we needed to hurry, "Now we climb…" I go up the loose dirt and climb my way up. I could hear him behind me as I finally reach a place with solid rock to grab. I reach the top of the plateau and am greeted with Punch bumping my let with his body… the old herder instinct turned into affection. I can see the blue ascending into a yellow/white and I know the sun was about to come up.

When the sun peaked over the horizon, I closed my eyes and let the sun's rays rush over me. The smallest breeze fluttered through the loose hair on the back of my neck. I hear Jugg's footsteps to my left and I open my eyes to look over at him. The breeze barely moved his bristled, short black hair. I could see the small scruff against his jaw line and chin. I see the light honey brown eyes almost water as he stares at the sun. He looks so beautiful… like a man who would rather cuddle than have a good romp… like a man who would give up his seat to an old woman… a gentle man… a man with an actual heart. Who was this guy… really? He wouldn't open up to any of us… not even Coach. He was closed off and… it really bothered me, now. I wanted to know everything about him… all because of a simple run.

He looks over at me with a questionable look. Then he looks back at the sunrise and asks, "Why do you do this every day?"

I snap my eyes to the sunrise and stare at the blaring yellow that almost throbbed with my heartbeat. I knew why I did it, but… did he really care or was he just trying to get me from staring at him. I sigh and decide to just tell him and hope he doesn't turn into a condescending ass, "When I first started training here; I had no friends… just Punch. I had no one to talk to… no one to rant to… no one who would let me cry on their shoulder. I couldn't sleep. I just stared up at the skylight in my room and just cry until I DID fall asleep. One day, I woke up really early and I just felt… closed up. I needed to get out. I learned the code of the gym and Coach had given me a key, so… I grabbed my hoodie and got out. Little did I know that I had gotten a new friend… a 9 month old puppy with the same attention span as me… we walked for hours until we got to the edge of town. I looked up and saw nothing but stars and I wanted to get closer. Me and Punch climbed Camelback Mountain and finally reached a point where I could see the town's lights AND the stars. I laid back… stared at the stars and cleared my head of everything… almost everything. Then… I saw it… the sunrise… it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The colors… the light… the sweet breeze… and I knew right then that I had to see it again. This place is my clarity… it's my homage to true beauty… without this I would just be that one girl with those guys and a dog."

I took in a deep breath and let the moment seep in. I hear Jugg let out a very disgruntled sigh and I look over at him. He licks his lips and looks at me for a brief moment, then back at the horizon, "You remind me of my wife, Slugger. She had your Almond Green eyes, blonde hair… big mouth. She loved waking me up at the same time, every night, just as the sun was about to come up, and ask me to watch it with her. She drank out of the milk carton and wondered why we always got sick. She was impulsive but she cared for everyone else before herself. She hated that I fought, but would always bandage me up when I was hurt. She was a very strange bird… but no one could ever love her like I did." The way he talked about her… it made my eyes burn with tears. He talked as if she no longer existed and I didn't know if that was because they were divorced… or she was dead. I had to know, but before I could ask him, he cut in, "Let's get back… I have a few ideas for training." He moved to swift towards the edge that it threw me off. I looked at the sun one more time then followed him; Punch right behind me.

* * *

We jogged back into town at a steady pace. I smiled as I saw Mrs. Holgston and her youngest sister, Cheri, putting out a new display of organic pumpkin seeds. I slowed down and Jugg, though reluctant, slowed down with me. I had put the leash back on Punch as we got down the mountain, but I never really needed it with him. He was almost psychic when it came to my morning routine. I mentally cringed at the word psychic… remember being mercilessly prodded by believing in them. Cheri, though not as friendly as the other sisters, was still fairly nice to me. She was also the prettiest of the sisters. Her hair was short and curled at the ends and still retained its black color… although you could see streaks of grey in it. She was the only one of the Holgston sisters to have graduated college. Her degree was in Business and she nearly never let people forget it. I called the other two sisters by their names while calling Martha, Mrs. Holgston. She insisted that I not call her Martha… she was strange, but… hey… I love strange.

Punch, who loved everyone unconditionally, nudged Cheri on the back of the knee and made her squeak. She turned around, fast, with her hand clutching her heart. She looked down at Punch and her entire demeanor changed, "Oh… PUNCH! You little devil you! Hey Penny!" At that, Mrs. Holgston snapped around with a huge smile on her face, "There you are, Dear… you are later than usual… had me all worried! Oh! Oh my… who is this?" I watch as both the women start fixing themselves and I look back at Jugg. I laugh a little. Though most of the town knew about me… mostly because I talk to them… they really didn't know much about the rest of the fighters. They knew their faces… possibly their names… but nothing more. I clear my throat and open my mouth to introduce him, but he stepped forward and went all gentleman on me, "Good morning, ladies… My name is James Thornton… it is a complete pleasure to meet such beautiful women so early this morning." He kissed their hands just as Janis, the middle sister popped out. I rolled my eyes as he flirted with the older women. I felt jealous… not because he was flirting… but because it took three years for this bastard to even TALK to me and now he was slobbering all over these three… Ass!

The pleasantries over with, the three ladies barely gave me a wave as they said their goodbyes to Jugg. I pull Punch and we take off down the sidewalks of the town. We had to stop at one crosswalk and I look over at him with a smug look on his face. I was angry… or hurt… I didn't know, "What the hell was that about?"

He looked over at me and his smile faded a little, "What are you talking about?"

I stop jogging in place, "THAT… _it's a pleasure seeing such fine women on this early morning_… crap! You didn't introduce yourself to me when we first met… but you could drool all over them?"

He stopped jogging in place and I could see that damn egotistical smile rise on his face, "Oh My GOD… you are jealous. You are jealous of three old cougars." He laughs a little as I snarl at him, "You know… you're really ugly when you're jealous." The crosswalk signals to walk and he jogs off laughing leaving me blushing and quite pissed but shocked at his words.

* * *

I jog in angry silence until I see Mr. Jenkins in his rocking chair. Everything lightens up and I run past Jugg, who was in front of me, and stop short of the older black man. He greets me with a smile, "Why hello Penny…" he takes out his old watch and looks at the time, "… you are even more late today than you were yesterday. Must have been one hell of a sunrise." I smile, not because he keeps up with my time, but because I adore this man.

"You know Mr. Jenkins… if I didn't know better… I'd say you missed me." I give me a grin and he gives me an old man laugh that makes my smile bigger.

"It's good for an old man to see a pretty face. Keeps him young and healthy… now, who do we have here? Oh… haven't seen you in a long time James. How's Amara doing?" I turn and look at Jugg again, but I'm not met with the happy, cocky bastard I was a few moments ago… his face is twisted in pain and sorrow and Mr. Jenkins could see it, even with his bad eyes, "I'm sorry, son…"

Jugg swallowed and nodded, "It's alright Mr. Jenkins… she's up there driving the angels crazy… and I've never been more envious. I heard about Francine… God… such a lovely woman. I'm sorry for your loss."

I stood in between two men and I couldn't tell who I felt sorry for more. Mr. Jenkins just bowed his head and spoke softly just for the two of us, "People come and go, son… we love them, we hate them, we miss them every moment, but we never regret meeting them. It's how the world turns. You're far too young to be holding that burden on your own, son… find you a woman… she can never replace Amara, but she could definitely ease the pain." He flickers his eyes at me and gives me a smile. "You take care now, Penny… James… I'll see you both tomorrow, I assume?" I nod and look at Jugg who is nearly to tears then turn back to Mr. Jenkins, "Have a good day, Martin." I wink at him and he points his finger at me and grins.

I jog off and Jugg follows. We don't speak as we make it to the corner of the street the gym is on and as I turn to jog down, Jugg grabs my arm and stops me… pulling both me and Punch to a shocking halt. He pulls me close as I cuss at him but his somber face makes me freeze. He licks his lips and I can see some kind of emotion in his eyes, "… Penny... I… I… I know I haven't been the nicest person to you, but… I wish to…" He stops and I know I look completely flustered and confused as he huffs a very frustrated sigh before finally just spitting out what he wanted to say, "… I told you that you reminded me of my wife… that's because…" he takes out his wallet and pulls out a small picture and hands it to me… I stare at it with a slack jaw… it was… it WAS me… my hair, my eyes, even my old smile… it was right there in the picture. I look at him and urge him to go on. He takes the picture back just as he begins to speak again, "… every time I saw you; I couldn't help but see my wife. I hated you… I wanted you gone… I know it is a stupid, childish thing I did, but when I looked at you; I saw… I saw Amara… I saw my wife and it drove me crazy. I'm… I'm sorry Penny."

I shook my head, "Although you had every right to feel that way… you didn't have to treat me like some ghost of marriage-past. I can't help that I look like your wife. You… you were an asshole to me… you didn't even PRETEND you were happy for me when I won my first fight… DAMN IT JAMES… you haven't even congratulated me on winning the belt… and just because I look the way I do. My FACE is the reason you treated me like some puppy that pissed on your carpet? I don't accept your apology! I don't! But… that doesn't stop me from being the bigger person in this partnership and dropping the whole thing. I get it… you lost someone very close to you and don't want the guys to know you ACTUALLY have a heart underneath all that armor, so I won't tell anyone. This just means two things… ONE, you have to start treating me like SLUGGER and not like AMARA and TWO you owe me… you owe me a favor."

He looks torn between a lot of emotions, but he settles for narrowing his eyes, "I OWE YOU… Bullshit! I… I have no problem starting to treat you like the little shit that you are… but… excuse me… Owe you?"

I snap a look at him as he insults me, then I crack a smile, "Hell Yes you owe me…"

He runs his fingers through his hair as he looks to be wondering what I have in store for him, "Alright… let's just say that I'll play along with this madness… what is it that I owe you, exactly?"

I soften up at the question that was brewing inside my head. I knew he would get angry at it, but the woman inside me wanted to know some answers, "I want answers… I want to know everything about you… and in return… you'll get to know me. We have been at odds since I got here and I don't think you know WHY I'm here… or you do… either way… I want us to be girlfriends! Everything I learn, I'll keep to myself and vice versa on your part... so… We got a deal?"

I could hear his finger bones crack as he balled up his fists. The anger on his face was prominent but he didn't snap as he normally did; instead, his face calmed and he raised his hand to me, "Deal… but can we start this 20 question crap tomorrow… it's been a pretty hectic day, and we just got up." I smile and shake his hand.


	6. Chapter 5: Power,Presumption,and Reality

We get to the gym and Coach was leaning against the ring with an amused face. As of late, he has gotten more and more interested in our alliance and I wasn't sure if I should be suspicious or not. He pushes off and walks a little bit before letting his Boston accent clear the gym's quietness, "Nice to see you two already accommodating each other**. **Thought for sure Slugga would've drugged you and left your body to cook on top of Camelback." He looks at me with a smirk, "You're getting soft on me…" I roll my eyes at him and he pats my cheek softly. I smile and shake my head as I wonder, "Why are you up so early, Coach? The Misses make you sleep on the porch again?"

He smiles and puts his hands behind his back, "Never could get anything past you…" He shuffles the papers around and looks at me with a hint of strictness and excitement, "Alright… the 'Counsel' has spoken… you got your first challenger."

My eyes go wide and I feel the smile creeping on my face. Coach had been calling the owners and directors of the female fighting league, the 'Counsel', because they met in secret and no one ever knew what was planned until they sent out the 'Blue Prints' or the blue paper that had the orders on it. I must have shown a little anxiety because Coach looked worried. I shake my head and speak to calm that face, "Coach… who am I fighting?"

Coach's eyes sparkle with that spirit that made me want to get into the ring right now, "The fight isn't schedule for two months… you and Jugg got till then to get ready… your challenger is… Tara LaRosa… She was the Bantamweight Champion in the Bodogfighting league and she's coming for YOUR belt. She's a damn good fighter… She is a powerhouse and will come out swinging on you. You have the speed to avoid her, but that's all you got on her. You two need to work on your grappling and upper body strength. I'll let the boys know that they'll be needing to help you get ready… Icee's got a fight coming too… So, this gym'll be buzzing. Get Ready, Slugga… you're about to become a legend."

* * *

The next few weeks were almost a blur. I LIVED in the sweat and ice water. My muscles ached to the point that I could barely stand, move, or even stay still… they burned and throbbed no matter what I did, but… it was the greatest feeling in the universe. To actually be able to FEEL myself getting stronger… FEEL myself being pushed to the edge and over… just for me to crawl back up and do it all over again. I loved it and there was nothing in this world that could defeat me right now. My confidence was sky high… and all this work was helping me forget that Sheldon had yet to call me.

My runs with Jugg were the calm before the storm. The more we ran, the closer we got and I wasn't afraid of screwing it up... I wasn't afraid that he'd fall deeply in love with me and I, him. We had learned to grow up on completely different levels… we understood each other's past. He talked about his days in a gang and I talked about my times as a cheerleader and the many pregnant scares. He talked about the time he almost beat his father to death because his father was beating his mother and I told him about the time I had to drive my mother to the liquor store when I was only 8 because she was drunk and didn't want to get pulled over. We talked and talked and talked but we never once spoke of his wife or Sheldon or Leonard or any of them… it was that moment that I knew that he and I, though our problems were so different, we feared our pasts equally. I knew his wife had passed, but how… why did it affect him so much. I could see it in his face when he was thinking about her… I could tell he was thinking about her as we watched the sunset for the last few weeks. I wonder if he still hates me… if he resents me for reminding him of Amara… but it goes unsaid… mostly because I don't want to know and… I'm afraid of his answer.

As for things that he knew about me about my life in Pasadena… he learned of my aversion to alcohol… my promiscuous ways that led me to sleeping with my boyfriend's roommate… the names and personalities of everyone of them… my horrible job, my car, and taste in shoes. He didn't know, however, my encompassing love for Sheldon… until one day, we talked to Mr. Jenkins and the topic of 'Love Making' came up. My mind wandered off to the time where Sheldon showed his 'Other Side' and I began to feel very strange… he STILL hadn't called me since that night he explained himself… it made me quite unstable… I had stared at the phone in between training and resting… I was becoming that girl who had a great time with a guy and was now waiting for him to call her. Eventually, my hollow heart turned into anger. I used that anger to beat the living shit out of anyone who sparred with me that day. My face twisted in so many emotions and it must have showed because Jugg said his 'Good Mornings' to Mr. Jenkins and he pulled me off in a hurry. Before we got into the gym, he stopped me and looked me right in the eye with his beautiful honey eyes and asked with a serious look on his face, "Alright… be straight with me… Were you raped?"

My eyes shot open so wide that I thought they'd pop out of my head, "What? no… No… Lord, **_NO_**… Why would you ask that?"

He, immediately, felt uncomfortable and backed up a little, "Oh, man, I'm sorry… I read the situation wrong… it's just… when we were talking about sex… you… you will always go 'Walking Dead' on me. If you had started to drool and moan… I would've left your ass right there to eat Mr. Jenkins." He tried to joke away the awkwardness, but I just couldn't bring myself to smile at it. He saw the uncomfortable expression that I thought I had gotten good at hiding. He didn't pry, but I had to tell him, "No… I wasn't raped. I told you I had sex with my boyfriend's roommate right after telling my boyfriend that I didn't want to have sex with him. That guy… that roommate… was Sheldon."

His brows furrowed at me like a disappointed father, but he didn't scold me. Instead, he asked, "That guy I bumped into that night after your dinner party celebration… Boyfriend or Roommate?"

I rolled my eyes dejectedly. Of COURSE he would remember that. I swallow and give a sigh, "Roommate."

He nods and purses his lips, "So that was Sheldon… interesting… I know I'll regret this later, but… why did you have sex with him? I mean… you told me all these stories about how his craziness nearly drove you crazy… and then… you just make sweet sweet love to him. There is more to this story… I think… I think you were in love with him WAY before you got in bed with him."

I was stuck speechless… I wanted to push him against the brick wall and tell him that he was WAY off base. I wanted to roll my eyes and tell him that he was SO wrong. I wanted to, but instead I drop my eyes to the pavement and lamely said, "No I wasn't…"

He scoffed and I get a little angry, "LOOK! We were both drunk and just had ourselves a bad moment with our significant others… He wanted to comfort me after Leonard said some hurtful things… and then, Sheldon said some very beautiful words… and he kissed me… kissed me like I was worth more than anything he could ever afford but still would give anything for it… he was gentle… he was sensual and savored every little moment… everything he did; he put his all into it. He made me feel like I was… I was the last piece of the puzzle to win his Nobel Prize… that I was his whole universe and he wanted me all to himself."

He shook his head and made a sound. It startled me out as I had forgotten I was talking to him. He moved a little, towards the front door, but spoke, "Riiight… that doesn't sound like you're in love with him AT ALL." I glare at him as he gave me a little smile just as we kept jogging side by side down the side walk and he asks, "Alright… so you and the Doctor make the greatest sex the world will ever know… then what happened? I mean, it sounds like your little world was at peace, so something had to happen for you to end up where you are now."

I shook my head as we made it to the front of the gym, "You know what happened… Leonard came back… he yanked me out of the bed and yelled… Sheldon thought he was going to hurt me and… broke his hand against his jaw."

Jugg stopped dead at the door and looked at me, "Wow, broke his hand… romantic. Explains the horrified face and the running off…" he unlocked the front door and the lock clicked. I said it softly, but I knew he could hear, "I didn't know he broke his hand back then… all I remember was Sheldon running out of my apartment back into his right after Leonard left. I thought he ran from me… ran from what we did… I took it hard and proceeded to go to Vegas, get drunk, and knocked out Hot Sauce."

He chuckled a little as he pulled the door open for me, "Thus why Sluggar stuck so well for you." I unhooked Punch and he darted in and I moved towards the door, but Jugg stops me, "I haven't seen you with anyone since you got here, sexually. You haven't had a drop of alcohol. You strive past your own limitations just to be better than everyone else. You even allowed that boy toy of yours to come here and talk to you alone just so you could find closure to a very touchy situation for yourself. Penny… you're not that girl from Pasadena anymore."

I notice how close I am to him and I get nervous… I swallow and speak a little bit louder than I meant to, "I KNOW that!"

He doesn't drop my gaze or even let me move forward into the door as he leans in closer, making my breath catch, "Then stop letting her back in. The past will always come back and test your will. If you keep letting that one night come back and haunt you… it will pull you down with it… Now! Before I let you back into this Gym… I want you to let go… Let go of that mistake and let's go in here and make those legs burn!"

I sigh and know that tears had built up. I shake them out of my eyes and take in a deep breath before nodding, "Thanks…"

He gives a little wink and we both get into our new routine.

* * *

The workouts were getting easier and easier as the first month came and went. I was throwing the heavy sand bags around like they were my grocery bags. I did pull-ups like I was climbing stairs. I was hurting Jugg's hand in the padded glove with my punches and kicks. I felt like nothing could ever get me off this cloud I was on… until I got a letter. A letter that threw everything I had ever reached for down a hole I couldn't see the bottom of. As I read it, I fell to the floor as the tears stained the unbeatable sheet of paper that had beaten me like an amateur.

* * *

_Dear Penelope,_

_Though you have taken it upon yourself to remove yourself from our lives and apparently all the lives of your friends, I still managed to finally find where you have stashed yourself away. I can't begin to tell you how angry I am that you just up and left Nebraska then up and left California to some dusty city in Arizona, but that is enough about you. Penny, I don't know how to ease around this, so I'll just come out with it. Your father passed away last night. We are having the viewing tomorrow and the funeral on Sunday. I hope you can make at least the funeral._

_Sincerely,  
Your Mother_

* * *

The note was so cold, so blatant, and so MOM. I balled the paper in my hands as the emotion just spilled out of me. I didn't hold back any of the tears or the uproar of wailings that flushed from my heart. My father was dead… the man that held me when I cried and whispered that I would be the best cheerleader this world would ever see… the man that smiled at me when I hit the baseball right through the windshield of his pickup truck… the man who rebuilt a 1954 Mustang and painted it pink for my 16th birthday… my FATHER… the only man who called me beautiful when I was covered in chickenpox. Even though he wanted a boy… he learned to love who I had become… but the one that burned my chest the most was the fact that he was the first man to call me Slugger.

I could hear a bunch of people run into the break room where I was leaning against the fridge and letting every ounce of sorrow pour out of me. I could smell Coach's aftershave as he knelt down and put a gentle hand upon my shoulder. He pried the paper from my fingers. He let out a big huff, yelled for the guys to get back to work, then pulled me into his chest and rocked me as he shushed me very soothingly and rubbed my back, "That's right… let it all out, Slugga. Let it ALL out."

Everything was slow and muffled. My nose was runny, my eyes ached and bled with searing tears, my body was numb and unresponsive, and my mind mercilessly filled my darkened vision with images of my father lying very still in an open casket. Coach's caresses and whispers only made it worse, but I wouldn't… couldn't push him away.

Coach's heavy voice filled my jumbled hearing, "Hams! Get over here and take her upstairs and get her cleaned up… the rest of you STOP STARING AND GET YOUR ASSES IN GEAR!"

I could hear everyone speak a solid 'Yes Sir' in unison except for one voice that cut, "No… Coach, I'll take her. Hammy is supposed to be training Ice for his matches."

Coach moved away very slowly but his warmth was switched with another's embrace just as Coach spoke, "Alright Jugg… take care of her… THE REST OF YOU MAGGOTS GET TO THE BOARD! WE'RE DOING BOULDER ROLLS!" Coach kisses the top of my head and proceeds towards the gym floor, his voice seemingly fading.

Jugg whispered so softly into my hair, "Hang on tight." He scooped me easily into his arms as my arms circle around his broad shoulders. I couldn't cry anymore… I felt like I was all out of tears to shed. I felt mindless, motionless, and worthless. I barely noticed the scenery hazing by as he treaded up the stairs, his heavy feet hollowing deep against the wooden stairs. I could make out the jingle of Punch's tags on his collar and his nails clicking against the wood.

He kicks the door open with a strong leg and gently slides to my bed. He gently spreads me on top of my little bed. I cling on him as he tries to pull away, but he tenderly coaxes me to let go. Punch rests his chin on the edge of the bed and stares at me with his wooden colored eyes and I torpidly reach over and run my thumb over his eyes as I sniffle and smile sadly appreciatively at the sincerity I made myself believe was in his expression. I hear the sink's rushing water in my bathroom and was shut off just as bluntly. Jugg's footsteps banged back towards her. He forcefully scoops my legs with one arm and drapes my legs over the edge of the bed, pushing Punch back in the process. I keep my head bowed as I could feel all my anguish being pulled down like gravity had it in for it. His voice sung out like a silk guitar solo, "Look at me."

I sniff back the mucus that was trying to drip down and I just couldn't bring myself to move… I didn't want him to see this weakness that I hadn't shown since meeting these people. When he spoke again, it was strong, ardent, and pragmatic to his cause, "Penny… Please… Look at me!"

I looked up… expecting to see deliberate pity… I didn't want his pity… but it's not what I was met with. His brows were low and his face was stoic. It wasn't pity… more of a perspicacious sympathy. He reached with a free hand and brushed the hair out of my face as the other lifted a balled up, wet washcloth and wiped my face. We sat in a benevolent reticence that I could not be more thankful for as he held me… My energy seeped out of my body as I cried more, but he held me; never doing more than stroking my back with his thumb, and stayed with me until I fell asleep in his arms.


	7. Chapter 6: Not All Punches Are Knockouts

Mrs. Cross couldn't come to Nebraska with us, so she agreed to look after Punch. She was a mess… she couldn't stop hugging and kissing me and telling me how sorry she was for my loss and to make sure that I called her if I needed anything. I cried into her shoulder a good long time before she actually allowed me to pull away. I gave Punch almost all the love I could give him and hugged Mrs. Cross once more. Icee and Kawasaki had to stay behind because Icee had a fight to train for but both gave me the best hugs. Icee whispered that he was sorry he couldn't come as he uncharacteristically held me tight and I told him I understood. Kawasaki kissed my cheek in a silent expression of lament and bowed to me. Hammy and Tick stuck to me like glue; even as we took a 15 passenger Chevy van to the airport. English draped his arm around my shoulder as he sat beside me. He tried to make me feel better by telling me how him and his brother were fighting over this girl and it came down to who could double-dutch better, but as they were jumping the rope… the slut went off with one of the 'Silly' players. I almost laughed when I found out that Silly was a position in Cricket… English was always a strange character, but it he made me smile and I couldn't help but lean my body into his. He didn't take it as me coming on to him… he just hugged me tight.

Ever since Jugg's unfolding human interaction in my bedroom; he's been trying to avoid me. In the van, he was all the way in the back… on the 2 hour plane ride he was 4 rows behind me… and now, at the hotel, he was two floors below me. Coach bunked me with Bingo and I was completely thankful. Bingo treated me like a daughter and cradled me in the nook of his arm where I cried nearly all night. He made sure I ate and drank and that I was never alone. He called his wife and she talked to me and put me at a veritable ease while Bingo got caught up with his own sustenance.

Bingo took the couch, gladly, and gave me the bed. I didn't sleep… I couldn't. Every time I closed my eyes… there he was. I sat on the edge of the queen sized bed and just cradled my head in my hands. I was so tired, but sleep wouldn't come to me. I hear a soft rapping at the front door. At first, I believed it to be just subtle noise of the hotel, but when it came again, a little heavier… I pushed myself off the bed and zombied myself to the door. I looked into the peep hole and saw someone turned away from the door in a hoodie sort of swaying in a jittery fashion. One of my brows shot up and I gave in to curiosity and opened the door. The person twisted at the sound of the door opening and my eyes shot open so wide, "AMY!?"

No glasses, her deep brown hair slightly frizzed as it dripped out of the hood, her blue eyes glazed and a hint of red around the white parts of her eyes, and face both relieved and shot with sorrow, "Oh Penny… I apologize for the late night rendezvous, but… I just couldn't allow myself to not come and see you." She plowed into me with a forceful embrace and I swam in her scent and warmth. I didn't dwell on why she was here, in Nebraska… in this hotel where I happen to be staying; instead, I run through all the guilt in my mind. I slept with this woman's love of her life, I ran away and barricaded her out of my life, but she still hugs me like nothing ever happened… like we were still 'Besties'… and that just made me cry into her maroon colored hoodie.

When she pulled away, I could see she was crying just as much as me. I wiped my nose and sniff back before just looking at her, "Ames, what are you doing here? How did you know I was here?"

Amy shoved her hands into the interlocking pocket in the front and looked a little pensive, "Your sister… she told us about your father and we all dropped what we were doing and… well… Penny… why?" She paused and looked as if she were trying to muster up the courage and looked me right in the eye, "Why did you run?"

The way she asked nearly broke my heart. Her voice was so small and she looked to be holding back more sobs, "Amy… after that night… I just couldn't deal with it. I was given a chance to start over… to get away from what I had become… Ames, I was working a dead beat job. My car was a rolling tank held together by duct tape. My acting career was just a murmur in the trepid wind. I drank because I thought it could fill a void or at least blur the pain… then… then…"

Amy took in a deep inhale through her nose, "… then you engaged in coitus with Sheldon."

I examined her face but I saw no trace of anger; only a sympathetic inquiry, "Oh GOD… Amy… Amy, I'm so sorry!"

Amy licked her lips and gave a very mild grin, "Don't be sorry. You needed someone and… so did Sheldon. Human needs must be quenched with those we find acceptable to relish with. I forced Sheldon into coitus, but… he gladly swayed with you and even delved into the antediluvian ritual of 'Defending His Mate'. Penny, you were and still are one of my best friends I've ever had… I might have yelled at you and given you the silent treatment for approximately six weeks, but I would've forgiven you. Your absence tore the group apart. Sheldon demanded to be transferred out of Pasadena. Leonard found a new roommate and married her two months later. He doesn't hang around the boys anymore. Raj disappeared for a year then showed up one day and told us his experimental drug trial of induced control over the overactive amygdale worked perfectly. He is talking up a storm to any woman he comes into contact with." She smiles so warmly at that before continuing, "Howard and Bernadette have a two year old son… Steven Urijah Wolowitz. Oh Penny… he is beautiful… and Bernie is such a great mother… she is so warm and loving even for someone who doesn't like kids. She barely lets him go and Howard… he can't stop talking about how beautiful he is. I mean it… Cannot. Stop."

I had missed so much and that was just a glimpse of what had happened. Through it all, I was caught up on the fact that Leonard was MARRIED… What the Hell? I knew there was so much that I missed and Amy had wanted me there every step of the way. I could see it on her face. I didn't want to ask about Leonard or tell her that I saw Sheldon a month ago and still hadn't heard from him since then; so I just stuck with my guns. I wanted to know how she knew I was here, "Amy… how did you find me? My sister didn't know I was at this hotel… neither did my mother."

Amy looked sad… she dropped her head and the hood covered her features, "Your Coach."

My eyes go wide, "What? Coach? Coach told you I was here? Why?"

Amy looked back up at me, "I begged him. I called him every hour when I found out… I called him and asked about you every hour and eventually… he gave in. Penny, I know you want to escape your past, but… we love you. You had become a constant in the equation of our social group. We would've done anything for you… anything! Your Coach understood that. He has been giving me updates on you since your first fight. He says that he had to exclude you from the meetings because it would 'piss you off' and I understood. I was just glad to hear that you were doing ok."

I WAS angry… but not as much as I should've been… Coach went behind my back… not a single word that he was communicating with friends from my past… but… his actions were to soothe my friend's heart. I sighed out the anger and swept her up into another hug. She gladly hugged me back, "Amy… I'm sorry. I really did miss you guys, I really did, but I had to keep going forward. If I went backwards once, I would become what I promised myself I'd never become again…" I squeeze her a little as I say, "Thanks for coming, Ames."

She pulled out of the hug and wiped her nose with her brown sweater sleeve, "I would've come sooner, but I had to help Howard and Bernadette put Steven down. I really had a hard time seeing Howard Wolowitz with child… I shook my head at the thought of a child in the group and I feel sick to my stomach… I felt sick at all I missed… Amy's voice was soft when she just matter-of-factly added, "I'm his God-Mother." I knew I looked shocked, but… I really wasn't. Amy, though a bit quirky in a sense, was a very warm and loving person. She could be a little creepy, and I wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't hooked the baby up to one of her brain monitoring machines… but she would love that kid more than life itself and that made my shock dissolve into a smile, "You should be, Ames… there's no one better." Amy seemed to glow at my statement and leaned over to kiss my cheek, "I'm glad I got to see you… I know you need your allotted REM sleep, so… see you at the wake… Bestie."

Hearing her call me that was like a glorious sting against my face… like she slapped me with all the joy of the world… but it was a good kind of pain. We shared a brief, acknowledging smile as we stood in front of one another. I had forgotten how much I loved her calling me that… forgot how much it meant to have her in my life… the tears built up as the good times I had with Amy filled my memory and I wave at her as she walked down the hall. She waved back before slipping around the corner towards the elevators. I silently slide back into the room and close the door gently so as not to wake Bingo. When I get to my bed, I crawl into the comforter and when my head hits the pillow… I go into a deep sleep.

* * *

I met the boys downstairs for breakfast. I felt heavy… but not as miserable as before. The hotel had a smorgasbord of breakfast foods splintered all over a small, buffet line. Tick, Hammy, Bingo, English, Hot Sauce, and Coach were piling on eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, tenderloin, gravy biscuits, grits, toast and hash browns while I was sticking to the oatmeal and fruit aisle right beside them. I shook my head at Hammy's plate as he gave me a huge 'Oh Hell Yes I'm Eating All This' grin. I shake my head and give a little smile as I pop a grape in my mouth and pretend that it was an orgasmic experience. He laughs while heading to the table. I go back to the fruit selection and start picking and prodding through them. Grapes, peaches, strawberries, and kumquats were almost all they had. They had Honeydew melon and I was all over that. I saw Cantaloupe, but passed on it. It was never my favorite, but it did better on my weight restriction than the salivating strips of bacon that sat there in my peripheral vision… fingering at me to come over and put it in my mouth.

Jugg slipped in between me and the bacon and slopped a spoon full of grits into a bowl, "How're you feeling today?"

I stare at him. He pretends to concentrate on the slab of butter he put into the steaming bowl. He looks… nervous… and it makes me smile. I pretend to concentrate of the Honeydew spoon/tongs, "I feel heavy… exhausted… and fatherless… you?"

He looks at me and I turn to meet his gaze, "Look… Coach told me about you and your Mother's relationship… are you sure you don't want any of us to stand with you? Moral support is what a partner does. This is already a hard enough time for you… losing your father… so if it gets to be too much… you just say the word and I'll drag you outta there, myself."

I look at him with a poker face that even Gustav 'Gus' Hansen would've been proud of. I was flattered he cared so much, but at the same time… I was angry that him and Coach were gossiping about my life, "Jugg… I can handle my mother just fine on my own… It's burying my father I'm going to need you guys for… besides… George has made sure that I'll be the first person in line and my mother with be the last. You guys aren't the only ones who know my relationship with my mother… George and Don practically lived it with me." He sighed through his nose very audibly as he stared down at me. He licked his lips and briefly looked over at the table where the guys sat then back to me, "I… I just want to help… sorry." I feel a pang of guilt hit me as he took his bowl and headed to the table with a dejected look. I turned and finished picking the fruit as I cussed myself out for being such a bitch to the man that was just trying to help.

* * *

Breakfast was just everyone trying to avoid the words 'father' 'death' 'funeral' and 'Slugger', but other than that… it was a regular moment with my boys. As they all finished their manly breakfasts, they started to scatter back to their rooms. I tried to connect gazes with Jugg, but he avoided me like the plague... I couldn't blame him... eventually it was just me and Coach sitting at the big table. He smiled at me as he sipped his mug of coffee, but I wasn't all smiles, "So… Coach… You been talking to my friend in California about me? You been talking about my family ties with Jugg? Who else you been talking to about me?"

He put down his cup of coffee very calmly and talked softly with his Boston accent, "Oh boy… Ok… I know you're mad, but know that I only talked to Ms. Fowler on a weekly basis. I tried to blow her off, but she called the gym almost every five minutes… wrote me letters day after day… emailed me… HELL… that little minx even got my cell phone number and texted me God knows how many times. I had to give in… HAD TO... that girl really loves you, Slugga… She wouldn't take no for an answer. Now, as for the details of how much you and your mother absolutely clash… yes… I found it highly important that I told the boys all the details before we decided to come here. They needed to know that you aren't all sunshine and unicorns with your family… and then again… who is?"

I play with the straw in my OJ and try not to cry. Coach reminded me of dad… overprotective but so full of love for me and it made me cry harder… I take in a lot of deep breaths before I stop playing with my straw and look at him, "Coach… you could've run all this by me. I know I'm a little unstable in the anger department, but eventually I would've gotten the courage to talk to her myself… AND… I could've told the guys about me and my mother… but it is essentially you going behind my back with Amy that's really my concern… that was something you NEDDED to tell me."

He raised his hand, "Slugga… You are by far the most stubborn woman I ever met… and that includes my wife… if I told you about that girl… you would've shunned her out of your life completely." He and I gather ourselves as our conversation got louder. He sipped his coffee before putting the mug back down and got back into a lower tone "I didn't do any of that JUST for you, Slugga… I did this for the people who love you more than your own damn biological family. That girl's voice was so sincere… so downright full of determination and anxiety that I knew that this girl had a close relationship with you… she was just as stubborn as YOU are." He chuckled and shook his head as he remembered. I gave a little smile at the thought that I rubbed off on Amy… my smile got bigger the more I thought about it. Coach's voice cut in again with a little more volume, "Now, listen… your sister will be here to pick you up in two hours… Don't look at me like that… I tried to tell her you were coming with us, but… I couldn't get a word in edgewise to say it! Now… Go on! Go get ready. Me and the boys'll meet you there!"

I finished off my OJ and gathered all the bowls and napkins I used on my tray. I lift it up off the table as I stand, but don't move. I look down at Coach and he looks up at me. I smile at him and say softly, "Thank you, Coach… thank you for always taking care of me… even when I don't think I deserve it. You… you are the only father I have now… and I… I love you."

Coach's eyes water but I had already moved towards the trash cans. I clean off my tray and put it where there was a pile of them and wipe my eyes. I look back at the table and see Coach gripping his mug… crying very softly.

* * *

Bingo had opted to get dress in Jugg's and Hot Sauce's room… which was good for me because I needed the solitude. I stared at myself in the black pant suit with the crimson shirt underneath. My father's favorite color was… red. I start to tear up again and I shook my head out of the sobbing. It had been a long time since I actually blow dried my hair and mildly crimped up the ends. I took in a big breath and stepped away from the mirror. The loud banging at my hotel door made my heart start beating extremely fast… I open the door… and there she was... My sister, Georgia. If anyone on this Earth loved me and hated me just as equally as they could, it was George, but as I stared at her… she seemed… different. She wasn't scowling at me or avoiding my gaze… she smiled, "Hey Pen-Pen!"

I could see the tears in her eyes and it made me drop my guard for just a few seconds, "Hey George!"

We broke the space in between and hugged like two sisters who had never fought a day in their lives. We cried and hugged for God knows how long before George pushed off, "You don't call me… you don't write… what the hell is wrong with you Pen! You might be able to pull that shit with mom… BUT ME? Oh… and then I find out that you fight for a fucking living… REALLY? Pen, what the hell? Heaven only knows how hard it was to shut mom up when SHE found out… but daddy… Pen… daddy was so proud of you. He wanted to go to one of your fights, but mom… she wouldn't let him. He kept up with your bouts, Pen… He talked about you at work… He sent me and Don Alan emails about how much ass you were kicking… Pen…" She had to stop… we started crying again. She shook her head and dabbed her eyes before looking at me, "We all missed you, Pen… but no one more than daddy! C'mon! We're gonna be late! Ken is bringing Doug and D.A.! The reverend needs us all there before the people start showing up. Pops and Gran Gran will be there too! "

I grabbed my small purse and smile. Ken was my dad's brother and lost his wife to lung cancer in late November, 1995. It broke his heart, but he never gave up. He is a great man and though I loved my father a lot… I found myself more drawn to Ken. I practically lived with Uncle Ken while my mother got worse and worse with her drinking. Ken had taken in Doug, Don Alan's son, as my brother went further and further down into the rabbit hole. I could tell that Doug hated it, but when I talked to them on his 13th birthday (buying that comic book for him from Stuart); I could tell that him and Ken were like father and son. I wished I had that with mom… when I lived there; she slurred insults so ripe and sharp that it made my father cry. That made me afraid of being alone with the woman. George had had enough of the woman's mouth and she ran off with Fredrick… Ugh… Fred… Fred wasn't a bad guy… I mean, he loves my sister… would die for her… but he was still a leech! He doesn't have a job… he doesn't do any house work… he doesn't even LEAVE the house (unless George is paying)… but who am I to judge her and her love life… still, doesn't stop me from not liking that douche!

Don Alan… the middle child… my big brother by a year and month… my big teddy bear of a sibling! He was a really really smart guy. Not Sheldon smart, but Ivy League smart! He was a good looking guy, too… He had the world around his finger, but I could see he wasn't happy… He had a son with a woman that he stayed with for a couple of years before she just up and left him AND the kid. It tore my brother up… he wasn't anywhere NEAR ready for a kid… Uncle Ken helped him out while 'D.A.' (as he started calling himself) was supposedly finding a job. That's when he met Clive 'Stink Bug' Clarence… That bastard RUINED my brother. At first, they delved into marijuana… sold it… smoked it… Hell, I even purchased some… but it wasn't enough for D.A.… He needed more money… more clientele… so Clive introduced him to the wonderful world of cooking METH. D.A. dropped off the face of sanity and his grades dropped like a pair of bull testicles… and so did his presence in Doug's life. I ran to California with Kurt just as his rise to Meth got higher and higher. I did miss him a lot, though, so to actually be able to see him today… not stoned or tweaked out… that would make the sting of the viewing less painful.

Gran Gran and Pops were going to be there! That was the best news I had gotten in the past three years. They were my father's mother and father and were the perfect description of loving grandparents. I hadn't seen them since my abrupt decision of just leaving Nebraska behind. It was actually Pops who said that if I wanted to be an actress… then he felt sorry for whoever was going to stand in my way. Pops was a man that I wish I could find. Kind, self-sacrificing, loving, but always knew when to give space… when to keep his mouth shut… when to give his all… Gran Gran once told me that Pops never once raised his voice, never cussed, and never even looked at her wrong. I told Gran Gran that it sounded like he wasn't the only great person in that relationship… if Pops never had a reason to do those things, then of course he wouldn't have to. She scooped me up in the biggest hug of my life and whispered to me, "You'll find yours, my little Honeysuckle… just don't sit there and look all pretty… that attracts the ones who want a taste of the sweetness… it's the one who braves through all your thorns just to have you all to themselves that you wanna keep around."

Her words were only a whimper in the back of my mind as I drank and screwed through half the male population of Pasadena… would she be proud of me, now? Now that I gave up all the bad decisions I had made and became a disciplined fighter? Would Pops? Everything was building into anxiety as George drove us a few miles down from the hotel to the Korisko, Larkin, and Staskiewicz funeral home. It was a beautiful place. The staff was unbelievably caring as soon as me and George walked through the door. A young redhead showed us to the viewing room. We thanked her and I paused at the door… my mother was in her Sunday best chatting up the reverend as if trying to convince him of taking her in the backseat of her Hyundai Genesis. When the reverend saw us, he stepped back a little and looked awkwardly over at us. My mother looked over and sniffed in what sounded like disgust when she locked eyes with George. Then… she saw me and her eyes softened then went back into its disgusted mode, "Well, my daughters finally learned how to be on time for something. Oh… and one even learned how to show up, at all. I am so proud." I could hear the disdain in her voice and I could feel the fear building up. It was Don Alan's voice behind me that shook the fear right off, "You should be, Mom…" I spun around to see my big brother shooting daggers towards her and I couldn't stop the happy tears and grotesquely large smile from erupting as I lunged at him. He scooped me up in a big bear hug that I had completely missed and he rocked me side to side like he used to.

I broke away from the hug just as George took over the hugging. I smiled at my older siblings just as George spat out, "So, they letting you off for good behavior?"

He bent down and showed his bracelet, "Naw… just letting me mingle with the commoners for three days. Uncle Ken signed off on being my 'handler'."

As he said that, Uncle Ken came around and entered into the room, "Yep… kind of wished it were a shock collar though… be a whole lot more fun." I stepped to the side of my brother and Ken's eyes lit up like Christmas, "Oh My GOD… Penny! Look at you…" he scoops me up into a big hug and talks into my crimped hair, "Me and Doug have been cheering you on. He downloaded your fights on our laptop. Can't wait to see your next one. You won the Strikeforce Bantam Weight Belt, right?"

I smiled and nodded, "Uncle Ken… I think you're my number one fan!"

His smile faded a little, "Your daddy was your biggest fan, Pen. The happiest I had ever seen my brother was when he saw you win that belt. Probably the last thing he ever did on this Earth was holler your name as that ref threw your hand up in the air…"

I started to tear up as my brother squeezed my shoulder. I didn't get a chance to cry as Doug trounced in and I gasped, "Oh My G… Doug? Geez… look at you… you're like three times bigger than the last time I saw you. What are you, 8 foot tall now? Lord… you even LOOK like your dad!"

Doug rolled his eyes playfully and wrapped his long arms around my neck, "Hey, Auntie!"

I smile into the hug, "How's school going?"

Ken rolled his eyes and gently grabbed the back of Doug's neck, "He's just like his daddy… the girls want him… the guys want to BE him… and he sucks at math."

Don Alan and Doug both squeak in unison, "Hey!" It makes everyone laugh.

My mother's voice almost cuts like a knife, "Glad my husband's death can bring such smiles and laughter to you lot."

I see everyone turn and look at her just as I do. Her face was twisted in anger and she nearly succumbed to tears. Ken stepped forward, "Alexis… you aren't the only one who lost someone here… I lost a brother… your children lost a father… I want you to know that your husband believed in one thing… FAMILY. He believed that without it, we were just people sitting around with our thumbs up our butts. I think you have forgotten that… and that's why your children are the way they are…"

I swallow at the intensity of the situation, but a smooth voice sung in the air with a tad hint of a Scottish accent, "I raised you better than to speak such ill towards people, Kenneth. Alexis's love for her husband is just as strong as your love of your brother. She just shows her sorrow much differently than yourself."

Pops walked in, cane in one hand, and Gran Gran's arm wrapped around the other. He moved towards the gathering and Ken stepped back, "I apologize, Alexis."

I give a big smile and move to the older couple. Gran Gran looked at me and smiled big as she and I met within a hug, "ello my little Honeysuckle."

I pulled out of the hug, "Hey Gran Gran." I slip to her side and snuggle Pops and he hums as he squeezes me. I pull away and step back as everyone gets their hugs and I end up standing beside my mother.

It was as if the others were in another country as I looked over at her… her staring at me. She huffed and looked me up and down, "You're too skinny… all that fighting and you can't eat a sandwich?"

I swallow, "Nice to see you to, mom."

She just kept her scowl, "The only time we ever seem to hear from you is a simple Happy Father's Day or Happy Mother's day… after that… no phone calls… no letters… not even a carrier pigeon… NOTHING. Your father and I worried ourselves to sleep wondering if you were even ALIVE. Can't believe it took your father's death to bring you back."

I shut my eyes tight. Though her voice was callous and rubbed me raw, she was right, "I'm sorry! I had to get away. I needed to be my own woman. Needed to get out of the shadow you kept casting over me. I know I could've done better with communication, but… I'm happy. Shouldn't that make YOU happy or do you want me to be as miserable as you are! I KNOW daddy's gone… I KNOW… I haven't stopped crying since your heartless letter! Uncle Ken was right… You aren't the only one who lost someone!"

Me and my mother are nose to nose, neither one backing down, until the reverend places a hand on both our shoulders', "Please, ladies, now that everyone is here I will go over the steps of the evening."

* * *

As the reverend droned on and on about the events, I couldn't help but phase out. How was I going to do this without spontaneously arguing with my mother? That's when I start thinking. Amy, Raj, Howard, Bernadette, and their son were here… most of my new boys were here… my family was all around me… and still… still I think back to the two men I regretted hurting. I wondered if Leonard would come… wondered if he did, would he bring his wife… wondered if Sheldon was coming… It made my heart flutter in my chest… and it didn't stop fluttering even as the drone of people walk down the line; giving their condolences. I was the first person in the line of my family that people got to greet.

When I see Howard bouncing the cutest damn baby I think I ever seen in his arms, I melt. Howard's jaw line had a little fuzz showing along with the skin above his lips. When Howard saw me, his eyes softened and he smiled and I shared his smile with just as much emotion. I cover my mouth with my hands as I look at the gorgeous baby, "Ohhhh HOWARD… he's beautiful!"

He gave me a smile, "Why thank you… luckily he got his mother's looks." I her Bernie behind him, "Aww Howie…" Howard looked at me and raised his free arm in the air signaling he wanted a hug… though I had always thought Howard was a creep… I really missed him… I gave him a small hug then turned and gave Bernadette a bigger hug since she wasn't holding a child. I feel like such an idiot, but I start to stutter, "G… guys… I'm so… so so sorry." Howard shook his head, "No need to apologize, Penny. You did what you thought was right and just left us wondering if you were kidnapped by space pirates or you spontaneously combusted in your apartment… if you need to apologize to anyone… it would be Amy and Sheldon… those two went nuttier than a jar of Chunky JFG." Bernadette slaps his arm, "HOWIE! Oh Penny… we forgive you and we are so sorry about your father." She pulls me into another big hug before they move on to George, who the couple knew.

Raj and Amy were next. I couldn't help but notice their arms hooked as I smiled at them. Raj gave a small wave and weak smile, "It's nice to see you again, Penny. You look well."

I give a smile and take him into a hug. I can hear him let out a sigh and he began to cry… it was obvious that he was holding it in, "Thank you Raj… I'm happy to see you too…" I pull away and look at Amy and wink, "I'm glad you finally found someone to keep you warm at night."

They both blush and I smile before snuggling Amy up in a big hug. They, too, had to move on and I felt empty, but… interestingly lighter.

The boys showed up a little later and it made my heart warm. Coach gave me a big kiss while Hammy nearly smothered me in a hysterical hug. Tick and Hot Sauce hugged me a whole lot longer than English liked. When it was his turn, he held my hand and put his forehead on mine while saying how sorry he was for my loss. Bingo gave me a very quick hug and kissed my temple. Jugg was next and he simply grabbed the back of my head and kissed me soundly on the forehead. I watched them move on with tears in my as as more people I didn't recognize passed through… and then… my heart stopped completely… "Le… Leonard?"

There he was… glasses… black hair… short stature… with a very beautiful woman on his arm. He swallowed very deeply as he took a few breaths, "I'm… I'm so sorry for your loss, Penny. Wyatt was a great man." He stepped in and we hugged. I had never felt as hollow, scared, and sickened all in one flash. I wanted to punch him… to kiss him… to cry on his shoulder… to leave… I pulled out of the hug and looked at the woman beside him. Long brown hair, shapely body, same height as I was, and smiling at me… I feel like scratching her eyes out, but Leonard's voice cut through that nonsense, "Penny… this is Jeane… Jeane Hofstadter." He stared at her like a beautiful night sky as she shot her hand out at me, "I've heard so much about you, Penny. I'm sorry about your father."

I take the hand and shake it lifelessly. Leonard doesn't look at me again and they both moved on… leaving me ripped and torn in one little spot. My body, my mind, my very existence was vibrating in a numbing comatose state. The people touched my arm as I just could barely breathe. I bowed my head and could only see the shoes that passed by. I see a woman's shoes with dark hose tracing up towards her skirt her darkened toes being squeezed into some cheesy, tanned church heels… it was her Texan voice erupting in the small room that healed my very soul, "Oh Penny, Dear don't you look so downtrodden. The Good Lord will take good care of your father."

I know my eyes were watering up a storm and were wide as coasters as I stare directly at Mary Cooper. She drags me into a hug that was warmer than any hug I had ever had. She whispers encouraging words into my hair as I just revel in her floral scent. I open my eyes, looking for Sheldon in the line, but I don't see him. Missy, on the other hand, is right beside us and she gives me a teary eyed smile. When Mary pulls out of the hug, she cups my face, "Sheldon called us as soon as he heard and we rushed our little butts over here to see ya. I know it's hard to see right now, but the Lord has blessed you with so many people in your life. You'll find a way to get through this loss. And don't you worry none; Shelly will be here as soon as he finds a parking spot."

That hit me far too slowly as Mary moved on to my sister and Missy swooped in for a hug. Sheldon… driving? What the hell? Missy didn't say much because of the fact she was trying not to cry. She had so much emotion… no wonder Sheldon had none. I hear someone's heavy jogging and people's voices murmuring and calling out. As Missy moved forward, Sheldon slipped in front of the next person and he apologized woodenly then looked right at me, panting… sweaty… and so intently. I… I couldn't catch my breath and I really didn't want to.


	8. Chapter 7: Fall Straight To Hell

I swear that everyone in that funeral home could hear my heart beating. It was so loud… He didn't say a thing… just staring at me with desperately beautiful eyes. His chest heaved from him trying to catch his breath and I could tell he ran here straight from his car. The people he cut in front of were snickering and mumbling about how rude he was and Sheldon just snapped his head towards them, "If you are in need of going through this line, then by all means go around me… I wish to only speak with her… and only her." He flicks his wrist so the palm of his hand signals for them to move on and the people just roll their eyes and sway past him to speak to George. I watch him as he narrows his eyes at the elderly people then looks back to me and his entire demeanor changes. He looks like he wants to say so much, but he doesn't… he does something so unexpected that a yelp briefly escaped my lips… he pulls me into his long armed embrace. His breathing didn't slow at all and I could feel the puffs of air against my ear and I shiver as I bury my face into his chest and wrap my arms around his midsection. It was so warm… so inviting… so not Sheldon that I felt myself starting to cry. I should be so mad with him for not calling me, but at this moment… I could feel his emotions in every last inch of this hug and it felt so good that I believe my mind decided to forgive him.

He pulls away but not before brushing my hair behind my ear, "I know I have a lot to account for, but if you would just allow me a moment of your time; I could explain everything to you."

I smile at him while small trains of tears slipped down my cheeks and nod… all my anger and resentment for this man was gone by just a simple touch, "You said that the last time... I'm at the Motel 89 on South 89th Street…room 4004…"

He nodded with a small smile before looking over at another older woman who was scowling at him and mumbling something about this being a funeral and not a blind date. Sheldon sighs and nonchalantly says, "You know, you shouldn't be so hostile, madam… by the looks of your out of control weight gain and the detrimental lines on your face… you are most likely the next on the list for this place." He spun and headed away from the rest of my family and disappeared into the crowd; leaving the old woman with her mouth shaped in an 'O' and me face-palming myself.

* * *

The reverend gave all the family the details of what was going to happen in the next two days. We were given a 'free day' to allow for the family to meet with loved ones and other family as all the preparations were administered for the funeral on Sunday. Don Alan kept his arm around me as mom, pops, Gran Gran, and Uncle Ken asked questions and wanted to know what all was going to take place. Uncle Ken was hoping to speak a few words, but mom told him that her, pops, and George were already speaking. The two argued, Don Alan shook his head, but I was leaning back… staring at the door… wondering where everyone was… what they were doing… wondering if they were waiting on me. I sighed and leaned into my brother's side and he rested his head on top of mine. I missed Don… he was the only person who stood up for me against mom, but even a fighter needs someone to fight for THEM. No one did that for Don… and the consequences were dire… a baby and jail time… I left him… left him to fight against mom's overzealous insults… I felt like I made him who he is now and my stomach tightened.

I hear him whisper a name he hasn't called me since we were kids and my mind snaps out of the funk I put myself in, "Hey Pig Pen… what do you say we get out of the hotel and go to our old spot?"

I look over at him and he is grinning but his eyes still fresh with the tears for our father. 'Our Old Spot'. I hadn't thought about that in a long time. The spot was about a mile or so away from our old farm. All we had to do was follow the old creek until we made it to this 'Wall' of boulders that almost stopped the creek dead in its tracks. The creek seemed to pool there as it tried to press its self into the small holes of the boulders. These rocks were huge. They spanned almost 20 foot in the air and looked to be unmovable. I remember racing Don up those damn things and sitting on top and seeing the path that the creek made on both sides. It made me smile… it was mine and Don's 'Thing' and no one else's. I give Don a nod in accordance to his question and he hugs me tighter just as Ken and mom stop glaring at each other.

* * *

We finally separate from the funeral home and Don takes me to 'our spot'. We spend a good two hours just sitting on top of the tallest boulder… leaning back on our wrists and taking in the drifting blue sky slowly getting darker as the sun falls; listening to the small rush of water down below. The birds sang to their own melody that meshed so well with the water's current. It was so peaceful… a perfect time for me to reflect… a time to remember every little thing that me and dad had done together… and would never do again. His laugh… his scowl… even his disappointed look that I usually got more often than any… I start crying, but try to do it softly so Don wouldn't notice… his arm flings over me and both silently comfort one another.

Don dropped me off in front of the hotel where the lights bled from the glass door. It was only 6pm and it was already nearly pitch black. I sight and feel drained as I moved towards the entrance. I could see movement heading towards me on my right peripheral. I dare to glance over and get into a fighting mode. I turn and get into my fighting pose and everything goes numb.

"Whoa… Penny… Hey… Hi… Don't kill me."

My nose flairs as I look at the cringing form that Leonard had used to protect himself, "Leonard!" (What the Hell are you doing here? Is what I wanted to add) He still had his tux on from the funeral as he looked at me sheepishly, "Penny… I… I want to invite you to dinner… I would like to talk to you… to… apologize for the way I treated you. Please…"

I looked at the glass doors of the hotel and gave out a tired sigh, "Okay… when and where?"

He didn't smile… didn't look me in the eye… he just spoke, "You like seafood?"

I couldn't help but smile a little, "You know I do."

He looked me in the eye and gave a very deep smile. I knew he already made a reservation at wherever the hell he planned on doing this and that made me a little angry but the way he spoke was enduring, "Charlie's On The Lake; 8pm." He gave me a little smile and a nod as he shoved his hands into his pockets and turned to walk down the sidewalk. I don't watch him leave… I take in a very shaky breath, close my eyes, and shake my head… I don't think I am quite ready for this, but… If I could find closure with Sheldon… I could find closure with Leonard, too.

* * *

George was kind enough to let me borrow one of her dresses. It was very swank, in the breast department, but… the girls needed to have a breather from being cooped up in those sports bras all the time. Bingo gave me the, what he called, the 'Guy's Thumbs Up' without using thumbs… it took me a moment to understand what he meant and when he quoted a Wayne's World's 'ShhWING' and did a little hip thrust as he said it… I just laughed, rolled my eyes, and slapped him as I passed by him to get to the door. I opened the door and jolted a little as I tried to avoid running into Jugg with his hands behind his back. He takes his time to look 'down' at me and I could tell by the slight tinge of red on his cheeks that he got a look at the girls. The tension between he and I had escalated at breakfast at the hotel before the body viewing… but I could tell it was less tense between us right now, "Hey… Jugg… what's up?"

He clears his throat and backs up a little. I take that as a 'He wants to talk to me' and I step out and close the door. He looks down both sides of the hallway before presenting what he hand behind his back… It was a 'Hello Kitty' pilot hat with long strings and a bow sewn in front of the left ear. I smile so sweetly at the presented gift and look back up at the stern, blushing face of the man holding it, "Jugg… Oh my… that is so CUTE. Why… why are giving this to me?"

He looks at me as I take it from him, letting my fingers slide against the top of his hands. His light brown eyes seem to sparkle a little, "Coach took us to a mall… and I saw this and thought… this would make you smile… if only for a few moments… so… I bought it."

I look at him and see a hint of what Jugg was like when his wife was alive… the way he would have looked at her… the way he would've looked at his wife… and I felt my heart wrench, "Oh… Jugg… that is… that is so sweet… Thank you." I smile and, though my heart was screaming not to… I leaned over and kissed him soundly on the cheek. He leaned into it only slightly before a pain tensed on his face. I knew he was thinking about his wife. He sighed loudly and looked back at my dress, "You have a date?"

I fiddle with the hat in my hands and shake my head, "Nope (popping the P). Meeting my old boyfriend for an 'I'm sorry that I'm an idiot' dinner."

He looks at me with suspicion, "You're not going out with that tall guy… Sheldon?"

I swallow, trying not to show my disappointment, "Nope (popping the P again… this time with a little tad bit of frustration in it)."

He steps forward with a very stern look, "The guy who grabbed you and left that bruise on your arm? The guy who you 'loved' but was not 'IN LOVE' with? Slugger… listen… this isn't a good idea. I know you want closure and all, but… this guy saw you… approached you after your father's funeral service… and asked you on a date… this is not a good thing."

I feel offensive for some reason and I ball the hat in my hands in frustration. I felt like Jugg was insinuating that Leonard was trying to get back with me… and that I was wanting it to happen, "Hey… this is none of your business. He asked me to dinner so that he could apologize and I accepted. Nothing suspicious about that."

He shook his head, "Slugger… Penny… a man can change… I don't ever doubt that… but not everything about him is for the better. Just… just promise me you won't let your guard down, ok?"

Though it was cute seeing him so protective… I was still pissed, "Goodnight, Jugg…" I turn and open my hotel door and let it close and march to my room, ignoring Bingo's quizzical looks over the brim of his glasses and throw the Hello Kitty hat on my bed, then storm back out and head towards the lobby.

* * *

THAT BASTARD! It screamed in my head as I paced outside, waiting for the taxi I had asked the front desk to call for me. I shouldn't be so mad at Jugg… he was only looking out for me… but him butting into my life is becoming a very reoccurring thing. As the taxi pulls up to the curb and I give the taxi driver the name of the restaurant, I ponder on what he said…_ a man can change… I don't ever doubt that… but not everything about him is for the better_. Why did those words strike fear into this dinner? Leonard had moved on… found a wife… and me… I just moved away. Had I really moved on from our on/off again… FLING? Did he… did he still have feelings for me?

As the short cab ride to the restaurant ended with me slapping some bills in the man's hands, I look at the elegant lighting of the entrance. I enter the restaurant and the place was buzzing… I could hear silverware grinding and banging against china… the static mutterings of many different conversations… a small drone of a melody playing from the speakers embedded in the ceiling… it made me feel a tad bit anxious. I swallow deeply before the hostess chimes in and makes me jump a little, "Hello… oh… sorry about that… welcome to Charlie's By The Lake…"

I smile off my current scare and cut her off politely, "I'm meeting someone… probably under Hofstadter."

The woman smiled and looked on her list and found which table he was sat at. The woman nodded and motioned her arms to follow her 'this way'. The dining area was a cluster of large round tables with pristine white table clothes... each full of people. It was like a regular restaurant out of movie. As we zigged and zagged through the maelstrom of tables, I could feel a lot of eyes on me. As I spared a look towards a few. Wives slapping their husband's arms and single men tipping their glasses to me and I rol my eyes as I look up and see Leonard… he had a large wine cup full of a dark red wine. My stomach tensed and I politely touched the hostess's shoulder, "Thank you ma'am… I see him."

She turned and smiled, "You have a good evening, Miss."

I thanked her and made my way to the table. Leonard jumped up, grabbing the dinner napkin from his lap and placing it on the table as he sat his glass down. I could see his smiling face and it only made me more nervous. I give him a smile and a little wave as I finally make my way through the crowd of tables and he moves to pull out my chair. I grin as I round the chair and fold the dress upon my thighs as he pushes it in. He hurries back to his side and scoots his chair closer to the table, "Thanks for coming… God you look great."

I fake a smile… his compliments were the same… but I couldn't stop myself from staring at the bottle of wine. It doesn't go unnoticed, "Oh… Sorry… Here… Let me pour you a gla…"

I snap a little louder than I meant to, "NO… No… thank you. I don't drink."

He looked completely shocked… by what, I'm not sure of… from my volume… or the fact that I don't drink… either way, he sits down slowly as the remnants of his attempted grip on the neck of the wine bottle retracts back to his side. I swallow as a waiter comes by and smiles down at me and asks what I was drinking, "Water, please… no lemon." He smiles and takes off.

I was so out of my element… put me in a ring and I'll show you an animal… put me in a fine dining establishment and I turn into a timid little 6 year old… I was pissed at myself. I prided in believing that I had become a gallant warrior, but now I'm just staring down at the shiny silverware encompassed around a spotless plate. GOD I'm pathetic! NO… No… Leonard will not be the better man at THIS table. I look up at him with my fighter's glare and an anger with a mixture of hungry curiosity took over, "So… Leonard… where is your wife tonight? She knows you're with me right now?"

He sipped his wine smoothly and placed it down up on the white cloth, "Jeane is currently getting to know Amy and Bernadette… she invited them to a 'Girl's Night Out'… and yes… she knows I'm with you. Tell me… how have YOU been?"

I flip the dinner napkin in the air and it pops beautifully. I slip it into my lap and smile as the waiter brings my water and wonders if we are ready to order. Leonard takes it upon himself to order for the both of us… both a garlic-butter lobster basket with grilled shrimp, side salad, and a plain bake potato with sour cream and butter on the side. The man smiled and complimented Leonard's decision and scurried off. His attention falls back to me with an oddly cocky smile. I scope his features and admitted he was still kind of cute. The little stubble on his jaw line gave him a 'Stud' kind of look. I took in a deep breath and just shook my head, "I've been just peachy, Leonard. Won my championship belt with a flawless victory… live with a bunch of great guys… train every single day… I'm happy… Happier than I have ever been."

He sips his wine with an unreadable look, "You don't drink? When did that happen?"

I swallow and take a gulp of my water, "Right after having sex with Sheldon."

I say it… I say it to find some kind of emotion from him… I want to see him squirm… to snarl at me like he did that night… but the only thing I got out of it was his brows furrowing for a brief moment. He sighs and loosens his grip on the glass, "Penny… about that night… I'm sorry. I know what I did to you was unforgivable… I hurt you when I promised you I never would… I am so unbelievably sorry and I know that no matter what I say... it will never be enough."

Great… that's just great… now I look like a complete Bitch. I move my neck around uncomfortably and let out an awkward sigh. The waiter returned with our food and refilled my water and I smiled gratefully. We got all of our utensils situated and readied for the meal. I looked over at his still calm face. I was about to apologize for MY behavior, but Leonard spoke first, "Look, Penny… I still want to know… WHY SHELDON?" His voice changed from its calm tone to the whiny, overbearing tone I remembered. I looked at him over the tacky center display of fake flowers and unlit candles and he looks hurt, "You could've slept with a muscle bound, Mountain Dew drinking, steroid Junky… that would've been a whole lot easier to deal with than SHELDON COOPER! I… I loved you, Penny… I loved you more than I have ever loved ANYTHING in my life… I had a moment of ignorance... a moment of uncontained lust… but only because I thought you wanted a more dominant partner… I was… I was an idiot! But SHELDON… Why him? Just… just give me that."

My hands were shaking… my heart was vibrating… my chest was heaving… this conversation had turned tables on me. He… he deserved to know… but I wasn't going to feel sorry for him, "If you would've just LISTENED to me that day… when I got home… you would've known about the ridiculous day I had. I just wanted to come home, take a shower, and just relax for TWO MINUTES… but I didn't even get TO my apartment before you slammed your tongue down my throat… Damn It, Leonard… that one day… I needed you to be YOU… the OLD YOU… the guy that wanted nothing more than to hold me and tell me how beautiful I was… I needed you to be the guy that would listen… to kiss away my tears… to pull the alcohol out of my hands and tell me that all I needed was YOU… but… shoulda; coulda."

He pushes his tongue against his cheek and shakes his head, "And… Sheldon did that for you? He… he was there to hold you and listen and kiss away your tears… and shove his dick insi…"

I groan and cut off his statement, "Yes… Sheldon was THERE while you ran off probably finding a bar and drinking more… I'm sorry Leonard… I really am. I learned something about your roommate that I can never forget. He was a human instead of the robot he normally is. You left a bruise on my arm that lasted for MONTHS… you DESERVED a whole lot more than a punch to the jaw! YES… I cheated on you… YES… I'm the bad guy… I'M THE BAD GUY!" I stand up, unzip my clutch and pull out a few twenty dollar bills, and toss them at a shocked Leonard, "Now that we have established the REAL reason you asked me out… I believe this will be a good way to have closure on both our parts… This little slut will never be able to hurt you again… I wish you all the happiness in the world with Jeane… Goodbye Leonard!"

I storm through the many tables with eyes all on me and make my way to the exit. My heels click against the stone stairs as I make it to the sidewalk and start walking towards the hotel. I was far too pissed off to go back in a use the phone to call for a taxi… and I needed to walk this off.

That MOTHER FUCKER! I kick a rock in my heels at my utter anger. He apologizes to me but… he doesn't FORGIVE ME. Damn! I AM the bad guy. I CHEATED on him… I hurt him a whole lot more that he hurt me… Damn Damn DAMN! I stop walking and slam a heel into the concrete of the sidewalk and bury my face in my hands as I cry. I mumble, "Fuck me… I am such an idiot!" into my grip and shake my head in the process.

"What are you doing?"

I yelp at the sudden sound of someone's voice beside me. I fling my body and twist towards the sound… Jugg stares at her with furrowed brows with a bunch of shopping bags in his hands. I let out a few sobs as I realize it is him. All the anger I had about him was now replaced with the frustrations of Leonard. His stern face softens but I could read the 'I Told You So' look on it. He drops his bags and takes off his jacket. He walks to me and drapes the coat over my shoulders then goes back to his bags. I sniffle the mucous and he waits as I finally walk to his side. Silently, we walk side by side back towards the hotel.


	9. Chapter 8: Hang Me With My Halo

Jugg walks a few strides in front of me making sure to not crowd me or make the situation worse with ridiculous chit-chat. I feel like a complete fool. I really did love Leonard. He was so sweet and so different from all the other guys in my past. I reveled in that sweetness for so long that I became blind to his over-infatuation he had for me. I just wanted to be with him in the smaller moments, but he… he had already picked out china patterns and seating arrangements the first time we got in between the sheets. I didn't want a commitment… I wanted short bursts of devotion… I wanted to take our time and let the romance build… but I didn't account for the needy, must-have-now nature of Leonard. I stopped walking mid stride and just stared down at the pavement of the sidewalk. I really WAS the bad guy… I strung him along; hoping he'd get on the same page I was on… but he just kept striving… hoping I'D hurry up to the page HE was on. DAMN IT! I was NOT the only one to blame… He and I were never meant to be… never meant… to be… happy.

"You gonna tell me what happened?"

Jugg stood in front of me with his bags in his hands and jolted me out of my head. I sighed and reached up to my shoulders and slipped into the jacket he had given me, "He apologized… I was a bitch to him… He demanded I explain why I slept with his roommate… I told him all the things I had wanted out of him… Wished him happiness… and LEFT. Good Lord… I didn't even get to eat…" I put on an overdramatic frowny face as we started to walk again.

He walked beside me for a few steps before he said, "At least he didn't try to sleep with you."

I looked over at his smug face and chuckled before I playfully pushing him and say with a high pitched voice, "Shut Up!" We walk a few steps before I feel a grave pull at my throat, "If I would've been the old Penny… I would've probably jumped his bones…"

He looked over at me as we walked. He shifted all his bags into one hand and stopped in front of me. It caused me to slam on my metaphoric brakes. He pokes me in my chest, "Don't Fucking Do THAT! I told you… YOU ARE NOT THAT GIRL! DO NOT LET THIS GUY GET IN YOUR HEAD! He apologized… You left… that part of your life… it's DONE! You are stronger than that. You are a better person… you took all your bad habits and you flushed them out of your life… YOU are the winner… HE… he is the loser for letting you out of his life."

I can see him slightly breathing heavily as he reaches down and takes a bag out of his other hand. I can't read the emotion on his face… I don't know what it was… he looked angry, but… relieved… he spins around and mumbles, 'C'mon' as he walks down the sidewalk with a furious pace. I smile… I smile and I don't know why. This man had gone from someone who resented me to a guy that was always right there for me. I move forward and feel a warmth in my chest. I feel happy… I jogged a little to catch up to him and walked side-by-side. I couldn't stop the smile. I slid my hands down his arm to his hand and attempted to take the bag out of his hand. I let my fingers graze against the calloused hand before he gave in. I slung the bag in front of me and laughed as I bumped him with my shoulder, "Thanks Jugg… for… for being my number one fan." He sighs and bumps me back, gently, "Anytime, Slugger."

* * *

We made it to the street the hotel was on and their seemed to be a lot of foot traffic. We had 5 more blocks to go so we made sure to stick to a decent pace. We walked past a Café with outdoor accommodations when a squeal rang out causing us to jump and look over. Two women came rushing to the make-shift fence around the outdoor area and lean over it staring at me in wonder. I feel unbelievably nervous and confused until one of the girls speaks, "O.M.G. You are Penelope Contandino! I am a HUGE FAN! OoooOOO… Could I PLEASE take a picture with you?"

I give a huge smile and nod, "Of course!" I lean into the fence as each of the girls get on either side of me and one holds up her phone in front of us. We all smile and a flash blinds all of us. The girl with her phone shakes the phone in her hand and does a little jump in place. I laugh a little and give both the girls a hug and tell them to 'Take It Easy'. I wave back to them and move beside Jugg and start to walk.

Jugg makes an 'Ugh' sound before laughing and saying, "They'll be no living with you after this."

I laugh hysterically and lean my shoulder into him and put my head on his shoulder for a brief second before giving him his space back. As we walked, I mused myself with the notion that… I strived to become an actress JUST SO I could have that kind of feeling… the feeling that everyone knew who I was… the fame and fortune. Little did I know that I got both of those… except the fortunes were the people in my life! As we got closer to the hotel, I got asked for my autograph and a few more pictures. Jugg just rolled his eyes and said, "Obviously, we're in your home town."

* * *

We finally made it to the hotel and we got into the elevator. He didn't push his 3 button for his floor… just my 4. I didn't bother asking him, but… something else popped into my head, "Jugg… how… how did your wife die?"

I regretted it immediately after it left my mouth. Through the reflection of the shiny door, I could see his face darken and the lines on his face etch deeply. I feel a tight knot in my stomach, "I'm… I'm sorry… just forget I asked…"

He let out a growling sigh and pushed himself against the back of the elevator. I thought, for sure, he was going to tell me to 'Fuck Off', but… he just looked at the slowly climbing numbers on top of the elevator's door and let out a few words that made every muscle in my body tighten in anguish, "She died in childbirth." I feel the air rush out of me just as he added, "… the baby didn't make it either. A beautiful, baby girl… 7 pounds, 5 ounces… lungs didn't develop properly and she died within a few weeks."

I opened my mouth wide to try and catch some deep breaths as tears flowed down my face. I finally found enough air to form words, "Jugg… my GOD… I… I didn't know… Oh my God… I'm so sorry…"

He looked as if he had no more tears to cry… he looked as if that memory had taken everything from him… he just stared at the numbers and just shook his head, "I loved my wife… There was not a THING on this Earth that I loved more… I would smile driving home… knowing I would get to see her smile… smell her hair… touch her skin… It was the only thing I lived for. Until the day she died on that table and left a piece of her… I lost my love… my HEART… but she left behind a little baby girl… a baby girl I couldn't touch because she was in a plastic bubble. The only thing left of my wife and it was unreachable! AND THEN… as if the cruelty of that weren't enough… I got to watch that little piece… that little piece of me and my wife die SLOWLY… I… I lost EVERYTHING that day. EVERY FUCKING THING! I dove into a bottle and prayed to that heartless bastard above that I'd drown… but, INSTEAD… he sends me an angel… Coach… He gave me a purpose and became a man that saw what I COULD become rather than what I SHOULD have been. I took out all my anger… frustrations… sadness… with my fists and legs and made a name for myself. I was… happy… I had found normalcy in my life again… Then, one day, there you were… there SHE was… my Amara!" He swallows and rearranges the bags in his hands and says the next part dangerously low, "I see her… I see her in YOU… and it nearly kills me." The elevator chimes and the doors fly open. I can't stop staring at him… I can't stop the tears from falling down my cheeks. He bucks off the wall and catches the door as it tries to close and he looks a little bit over his shoulder and I exit the elevator.

I don't look back at him… my heart is way too unstable to actually see his face. I don't want him to hate me… I make it to my door and rip through my clutch and find the key card. His body was behind me and I wiped at the tears and stopped my anxious movements. I zipped back my little clutch and turned to him. He looked… full of regret… disappointed… apologetic… he took in a deep breath, "I'm sorry… I… I didn't mean for it to sound like I hate you or… resent you for looking like my wife… I just… I feel like she's still here when I look at you… I look at you and… and it's as if she never left… Penny… I…"

I don't know what came over me… I cut him off at the sound of my name and flung my arms around his neck and kissed him. It was passionate… deep… warm… all the things I remembered when two people connected… but something was off… I wasn't on air like I normally would be… it just wasn't right. As I pulled away and pushed off of his shoulders… he looked at me; confused. I was about to explain that it was a mistake… that I wasn't his wife… that I was in love with another… then… I saw him… I saw Sheldon standing right behind Jugg and my heart exploded.

* * *

"Sheldon…" it came out as a whisper first… barely even audible… then when Sheldon turned and bolted down the hall… it came out as a scream, "SHELDON!"

I push past Jugg and sprint down the hall. One of my heels break and I tumble down roll onto the thick carpet. I rip the damn shoes off and ignore the blood and pain on my knees and get back up. I take off running and round the corner just in time to see the doors close. I feel my chest compress and my eyes water, "DAMN!" I run and press the button several times, but the doors didn't open… "SHIT!" I punched the wall above the button and dart towards the Stair's door. I kick open the door and ignore Jugg's cry of my name and nearly leap down the flights of stairs I was flowing down them so fast… DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT! I screwed up! I screwed UP… I burst through the lobby door and scare a lot of people by the force and noise of the door slamming into the wall. I didn't care… I rushed to the elevators and beat it down with no effort and just stood, my chest heaving fast, my eyes burning with tears, and my head screaming how much of an IDIOT I am… and as the doors open… my heart sinks.

An insane amount of people flood out of the small elevator. I stand on my tippy toes trying to gauge all of them… trying to make sure I don't miss him… and when the last person exits my eyes dart all over the place… Did I miss him? No… NO! I step towards the flood of people and stop on a dime as my peripheral vision catches one more person in the back corner of the elevator. I turn without hesitation and stare right at him… He, right back at me… I rush into the elevator just as the doors were closing and move to the other side of the elevator, "Sheldon… please… I can explain…"

He holds up his hand and stares straight forward, "No need… I had my chance… three years ago… I had you and I lost you. I'm sorry I didn't call you… I'm sorry that I made you believe that I had emotional ties to you then left you in the wind wondering if what my words were just a fluke. You are a woman of answers and I only gave you questions. I'm… I'm sorry Penny. I came too late this time… you are already swept into someone else's arms. I hope he makes you as happy as you deserve…"

He moved to push the open button of the elevator and I move between him and the panel of buttons, "I can't let you leave here without knowing… knowing how much you mean to me, Sheldon…" He looks at me and backs up a little and I feel a burn on my face, "I… I…" It wouldn't come out… the 'I Love You' wouldn't come out… I just uttered 'I' over and over like some stupid record. He stepped forward and shook his head, "I can see that you still have an issue with your… emotions… nearly everyone is afraid to say something with such potential power as long as there is a possibility that it's a lie. Telling someone how you truly feel and making them believe that you feel that way could ruin everything… especially if it is a lie. People, by nature, want an equal give-and-take when it comes to emotions, and usually don't want to be in a situation where they share something intimate with someone, yet that person doesn't feel the same in return. You are duly hesitant with your true feelings because there are other potential repercussions that they may not have been foreseen… it seems that you and I were both liars… we lied to ourselves… I expressed that I couldn't stop thinking about you… and you expressed that I made you feel like you never felt before… we… we lied, didn't we…" He keeps his eyes on mine and they looked to be in so much pain as he slips his hand in between my arm and my body and presses the open button, "… I can make this situation less… awkward… for the both of us… I bid you my apologies for your loss, Penny… Goodbye."

He moved out of the elevator and left me standing in it… shocked. NO… HE'S NOT RUNNING THIS TIME! I barged out of the elevator and saw he was half way out into the lobby. I ran and jumped on top of a coffee table and yelled, "DOCTOR SHELDON LEE COOPER… I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU! If you still walk out of this hotel… you will still have my heart… you will still be the only man I will ever love… you will still be MINE! Know THAT is not a lie!"

I could see him… the only person in that hotel that WASN'T staring at me… he didn't turn around… he moved towards the doors and sped out into the night… I stared after him with my jaw unhinged and my heart still shattering in my chest… everything was blurry… glassy from the tears and I jumped off the table, heavily… staring at the doors… and I fell to my knees and cried.

* * *

The funeral was numbing AND painful. If not for my brother's arm around me… I probably would've run away. The glasses on my face only hid the tears… but not the devastating sorrow. Uncle Ken said words that set my heart on fire, "_My brother was a man of love… he believed that there was nothing more beautiful than love, but there was also nothing more merciless. Though it could bring you all the happiness in the world… it could rip you in half in the process. My brother said that… a man who has felt the heartache… the struggle… the utter throbbing pain AND still wishes to be with that person through it all… he will be a better man for it. Because love is not a gift… love is a quest… you must fight through rigorous battles before you can hold up the trophy of victory."_

I didn't see Sheldon, though Mary and Missy were still there… I didn't see Leonard… Jugg was sitting beside Coach, though... Amy and Raj held each other as Howard and Bernadette tried to keep their baby quiet. He cooed through the whole ceremony which made my father's funeral less depressing.

My father's casket was lowered into the ground and people started to scatter to their cars… I stood at the edge of the hole and spoke to my father inside my head as I stared at the shiny maroon top of the casket, "_I'm sorry dad… I'm sorry I didn't visit you more… I'm sorry that I just ran away without so much as a letter… I love you dad… I know you knew, but… you deserved to hear it more. I screwed up, daddy… I screwed up big time…_"

Mom moved to the edge of the hole beside me and tossed a handful of dirt upon the casket. We both stand in silence… which was very weird for me… my mother has never been one for 'Silence'. I hear her take a deep breath through her nose and I brace myself for her words, "Everyday I was with him… I couldn't help but wonder what it was that he saw in me." I looked over at my mother with wide eyes as she just stared down at the hole and spoke as if she were a different woman, "Everyone treated me like I was their best friend then turn around and call me all kind of names… but your father… he never beat around the bush… he knew how heartless I could be… how cold and unsympathetic I was… but he would hold me… make me feel like I wanted to change just so I could make him as happy as I was. I… I loved him more than anything in this world… even more than my own kids… how horrible is that?"

I catch my mother off guard and hug her profile. She is tense, but she melts slowly and turns and hugs me tight as I speak, "It isn't horrible, Mom…" I understood her, now… she was so in love with dad that it hurt. She didn't want to lose him… especially to the likes of us… now, he's gone… he's gone and mom is terrified. I hug her for a long time before I say, "Mom… I love you." Her breath hitches and she hugs my head. I can hear her sob and it makes my tears roll harder. She doesn't say she loves me back… but knowing that my words soothed her heart made it worth saying. When we finally part, I smile at her… something I haven't done since I was a little girl… and she smiled back… reached over and pushed the hair out of my face before saying, "You have his eyes… but you have my beauty… I'm… I'm proud of you Penny. Not PLEASED with how you went about becoming some butch fighter… but I am proud of you. You have my 'Screw What You All Think' attitude… and your father's unmistakable determination. It was only natural that you would be a champion. I… I love you, Penelope." She leans over and kisses my bare forehead before giving me a small smile and moving towards the cars.

I look down at the hole and smile with tears in my eyes. I wasn't grateful that my father was dead, but it was him leaving that finally showed me who my mother really was. She was the fighter to my father's lover. They were two different forces that pushed and pulled one another and that was what love was. That thought only hurt my heart more as I thought about Sheldon.

* * *

I said goodbye to my family and gave them the number and the address to the gym. I promised Mom I'd call her every week just to check up on her. Ken, Doug, and Don Alan were going to "Joint Write" me a letter ever so often… I would definitely write them back, I had promised. The Pasadena gang got my word that I'd do better to keep in touch and I warned them of Leonard and myself's not so happy split… I didn't tell them, however, about my confrontation with Sheldon… actually… no one but Jugg and the people in that lobby knew… Howard and Bernadette gave me their address and Amy just said she'd stick with talking to Coach every week.

I said, "Well, instead of asking for Coach… just ask for me."

Amy smiled and gave me a hug, "That can be arranged, Bestie."

* * *

With a heavy heart; I leave Nebraska, again. I mended fences with my mother. I kissed my fighting partner. Proclaimed my love and was utterly rejected. And parted ways with my ex-boyfriend. My life was in more shambles than when I had ran away from Pasadena. As I sat on the plane and watched some old, cheesy movie, I couldn't help but wonder where the hell do I go from here?


	10. Chapter 9: From the Hole My Horns Grow

I avoided Jugg like a Jehovah's Witness through the bus, plane, and van ride back to the gym. I knew I couldn't keep it up forever, but with my mind in a fortuitous panic… I thought it would be a good idea. I kissed him… ran after another man… and left him pondering on both. It makes me wonder… have I really changed all that much from who I was? I'm still doing the same stupid things I was doing in California… except now… I was sober. Jugg told me that I wasn't the same girl I was… but… he also said that people can change just not in the best way… I screwed up everything… I was still chasing after my past and this time… it didn't stop for me… he didn't even turn around… he didn't turn around.

As I endured Mrs. Cross's speech about how we all lose something important just so we learn to gain (talking about my father's death), her breath-crushing hugs, and her backhanded compliments about how in the world I turned out the way I am from being brought up in such a backwater hole town; I try not to let myself fall backwards into the abyss of a panic-attack from thinking back at my confession to Sheldon and his blatant disregard for it. Mrs. Cross had no idea how tight my chest was as she helped me unpack… I was… I was in the most pain I have been in since the day I ran away from Pasadena. My body felt so hollow… my hands wouldn't stop shaking… the tears threatened against the corner of my eyes… and I couldn't catch a single breath. Everything felt… pointless.

Coach called for me (saved me from his wife) and I met him inside the emptied gym. He stood in the middle of the ring then made his way to the ropes where he leaned against them and rested his chin on his crossed arms, "Get'in here."

I entered the ring as emotionless as possible and Coach read every motion. I stood in the center, behind him, and looked out into the darkened gym. He spun and walked to me and just stood before me with a very unreadable look, "Slugga… I haven't known you for very long, but with the length of time I HAVE known you… I've learned a few things about you. For instance, you are a stubborn… thickheaded little country girl. You don't take shit from nobody… nobody but YOURSELF. But despite your ever-fighting spirit… there is still a little girl inside; wanting to be loved… hugged… told how beautiful you are… treasured like the jewel you are. That's the part of you that you have never really shown me… Then, I read this story online about your little outburst at the hotel. Your… confession of love. No one got a clear shot of the man's face… but we all know who it was… the people who know you… KNOW WHO." I feel so uncomfortable, but I don't move… I don't make a facial expression… I stay calm on the outside while my insides start to boil over in emotion… he still speaks, "He rejected you… didn't he? From the story… no one acknowledged your outburst… no one approached you… no one turned around… Slugga… I know how hard it is for YOU to tell someone how much you care about them… but I could only imagine how frustrated you were that he didn't even react to your declaration. I ALSO know that you flung yourself at Jugg." I react this time by lolling my head back and moaning, 'Oh God' and he just shook his head, rolled his eyes, and kept talking, "Slugga… Jugg is a man of few words and many actions… you kissing him isn't going to bring him to his knees and want to make babies with you… TALK TO HIM. He'll probably tell you how pissed he was that you kissed him… then again… he might've liked it. You two are partners have you have less than a week to get ready for that big fight… TALK IT OUT… then get back to work… Icee's fight is in two days, too… so I got to get ready for that! Get YOUR shit together, Slugga… you're back home now… all that mess is behind you."

He moved out of the ring and I stood, alone, inside the ring. I shut my eyes and I could hear the cheers… the yells from my corner… the steady heartbeat of my other opponent… this is where I belonged… and I wish I could've stayed here… avoided life… avoided my past… but I screwed up. I threw my entirety at a man's feet who can't go shopping without a hazmat suit… a man who places a subject in school above the people in his life… a man who had thrown down all his fears; all his phobias JUST to have sex with me THAT ONE TIME. I balled up my fists and let the anger take over… He was no longer a part of my life… just like Leonard wasn't… The thought of Leonard and Sheldon bubbled inside my head and it almost condensates through my pores. I had to let them go… I had to let HIM go… through my fists if necessary.

* * *

The next morning, I see that Jugg isn't downstairs and I feel a little hurt but mostly relieved. I pour myself some orange juice and peel a banana and eat it. I grab Punch's leash and make my way towards the gym before I stop at the sound of feet pounding down the stairs. I turn and see Jugg throwing on his hoodie with bed hair. He and I share a glance with one another before his scowl turns into a little smirk, "Sorry… my alarm was turned down." He grabs a pear out of the basket on the table and pulls open the fridge and grabs a bottle of water. He walks up to me and stares down at me, "We need to talk… no better way than on a mountain away from EVERYONE… and where you can't avoid me." He takes the leash out of my hand and jogs to the door. I smile after him and down the last of my OJ before I move in the same direction.

He puts in the security code and leashes Punch up as I jog down the aisle past the ring and he holds open the door for me. I sidestep out and he locks up. I try to act cool… pretending the situation wasn't a big deal… even though my heart was beating so fast trying to get blood to my brain. When he turned around away from the door… he looked at me and slowly… he started to laugh. I stopped jogging in place for a moment and looked at him like he was crazy, "What the HELL are you laughing at?"

He leaned over on his knees for a moment before standing up straight, "No… No… you don't understand… you are trying so hard not to be yourself… you look like a constipated flamingo."

I put my hand on my hip and cock my eyebrow, "Say WHAT?" He laughed… more at himself than anything… and eventually… I started to laugh. We laughed for a good 5 minutes before we finally came to a stop. He patted my shoulder and looked at me with a hint of the smile still on his face, "You and I both know… that kiss started off passionate, but… it went away just as quick… your boy… he saw the passionate part… he saw it and knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he just lost you."

I let out an irritated growl as I lolled my head back. I didn't want to talk about this… I didn't want his face to burn into my mind… but as I listened to Jugg talking… I replayed the moment over and over… I could only imagine the sickening feeling that punched Sheldon in the stomach at watching us kiss… "OH GOD! I told him how I felt about him, Jugg… Yelled it on top of some coffee table in the lobby… He didn't turn around… He didn't even TWITCH… He listened to what I had to say and just left. Didn't see him at the funeral, but his mom and sister were there! I was too much of a coward to go talk to them… DAMN… What do I do… WHAT DO I DO?"

Jugg stepped towards me and gripped where my neck and shoulder met, "You fight." Two of the easiest words in the world… and I hadn't a clue what he was talking about. I know I looked completely clueless… confused by the simplicity of it all… but he just gently squeezed my neck/shoulder and smiled, "C'mon… we got a sunrise to beat." He kissed at Punch and started to jog.

* * *

We jog to Camelback Mountain in silence… the only thing cutting through were our heavy breathing and Punch's tags on his collar ringing out. It wasn't until we got to the plateau that Jugg broke the silence again. He was sitting right beside me on the flat rock as Punch roamed the flat top. The sun barely gave out a glare of orange so we had a few minutes to spare. His voice was so soft… I almost didn't recognize it, "Amara… she always smelled like freshly picked honeysuckles. She hated coffee… she loved cooking… I can't remember everything about her… I can only remember little things. Seeing you… everyday… weirdly enough reminds me of the things I thought I forgotten."

I look over at him, shocked that he was opening up, but as I saw the happy look on his face… I smile and stare off to the scenery, "So… you're trying to tell me that, though it's painful that I look like your wife… I also help you remember her better… I… I'm glad… I'm glad I can bring her back to you… but you… you have to know… I am NOT her. I can never BE her…"

He took in a deep inhale and nodded as we both stared out to the creeping red horizon, "I know… I know…" I smile… I smile because he isn't in love with me… and I am not in love with him… we are partners… two people in the midst of a fight… a fight of life that neither of us understand. The sun peaks over the darkened horizon and I hear my name, "Penny?"

I look over at him, "Yeah?"

He rips his eyes off the red, orange, and purple sunrise but I can still see it reflected in his eyes, "What do you want? What do you want more than anything in this world?"

I stood up off the flat rock and avoided the question as I fake my awe at the sunrise. It WAS beautiful, but it only made me want to spend it with someone else… someone I loved. I shut my eyes so tight; hoping to stop the tears from falling, but… it was in vain. Jugg slipped beside me and pulled me in for a very well needed hug and God only knows how long we stayed up there.

* * *

There was so much that happened… so much that was a blur or that was as clear as the night sky was this Saturday Night… this night of the fight against Tara LaRosa. I got love all over the place… from Mrs. Holgston… Mr. Jenkins… my sister… my brother… my nephew… Uncle Ken… Amy… and even my mother. Still… I felt so empty. I wasn't excited… I wasn't pumped up… I wasn't… I wasn't… disciplined. Coach, Hammy, and Jugg were behind me… Coach's grip on my shoulders was meant to be inspiring… Hammy talked shit about the woman I was about to fight… Jugg… he was quiet… couldn't get a word in edgewise anyways. The lights went dark and the humming of the crowd vibrated my chest. The announcer spat out my record and my name, but I was somewhere else… I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn't move… I just stared at the ground…

I was spun around and came eye to eye with those honey brown eyes of Jugg's. He pulled me out of my funk and spoke bluntly, "He Ain't HERE… SLUGGER! He ain't here… but YOU need to be. Are YOU here with us?"

Jugg, Coach, and Hammy look at me with saddened looks… that was enough to shake me out of my depression. I bite down on my mouth piece and jump up while shrugging my shoulders, "I'm HERE!"

Jugg grinned, "Good! Now fuck this girl UP!" As he popped that 'P'… _Bulls On Parade_ by Rage Against the Machine started to blare. The crowd went absolutely crazy. I turned back around… popping my neck. With my boys behind… the crowd pumping me up… and my song throbbing against my bones… I was suddenly back to myself… back to the Demon set of mind… back to the woman that had something to defend. I made my way down the aisle… people screaming… pumping their fists… holding their arms out to touch me… I was back… and there was nothing much that little LaRosa could do to stop me.

* * *

The last week of my training was brutal… not the workouts… not the runs… not the hours of sparring or sandbag rolls or even the 'Jesus Walks'… it was the times I WASN'T training that were brutal. When I stared at myself in the Girl's Bathroom mirror after my showers… the sleepless moments laying on my bed and staring up at the skylight… staring at the gorgeous sunrise sitting beside Jugg… the moments that my mind decided was a good time to remind me of Sheldon. I cried. I screamed on the inside. I yearned to have that moment back. They were the hardest instances for me. My whole body was crushed under the 'What If'. The scenarios that ran through my head made it harder and harder for me. What if I have chased him out that door? What if I stopped him from leaving that elevator? What if he WOULD HAVE turned around? The possibilities were the thoughts that ate away at me.

…and this was one of them…

I stand across from one of the most dangerous fighter in the league… knowing this will be a 3 Round; 5 minute fight… LaRosa has never gone past a second round without submission or KOing her opponent… and all I can think about is Sheldon. All I can think about is… why did I let him go? Referee 'Big' John McCarthy points at me and asks if I'm ready. With tears in my eyes, I bite down on my mouthpiece and nod my head. I couldn't let him in, right now… I had to focus… I had to find my discipline. The ref pointed to LaRosa and got the same answer. The ref took both of his hands and brought them to the center and yelled something, but it was nothing but a muted scream but I knew it was time to fight… but at that crucial moment… I found that my fight… my fight wasn't here with me.

* * *

The bell clanged and I met LaRosa in the middle and ignored the order to touch gloves. We circled one another in a predatory motion. After my last fight… I don't think too many people would've just come out swinging… still; it's LaRosa that tests the waters first. She moves in with a few jabs that I easily block and push her back with a leg kick. It hits her just above her knee and it makes her dance around and rethink her approach. The crowd is far too loud… Coach's words don't reach me… I can't think straight… and I get tired of this woman dancing around me… I take a chance… and I let it all go.

My superman punch is quick and strong. She blocks it with no problem, but it pushes her back off her dance. I uppercut and jab her into the fence where I clinch her neck and hit her with strong knees. She catches me, in the moment I'm not guarding myself, with a big uppercut. It hits me right in the nose as she comes across with a big fist and hits me right in the left eye. I topple over and she tries to hit me with uppercuts and powerhouse swings, but I regain my footing and take out her legs. I slam her onto the canvas and gain the top position. I worked with my elbows to try and gain a dominant position or even trying for an arm bar. LaRosa is strong… I find myself out of breath just trying to keep her on her back. I keep the top position… striking… avoiding letting her up… even taking a few hits in my wake. When the bell rings for the first round over… I rush to my corner and sit on the stool offered.

* * *

Jugg follows Coach out. Jugg took the roll of 'Cutman'. He pulls out the eye-iron and rubs it on my swollen eye. I didn't know I was bleeding as Jugg shoves twisted clothe into my nose… didn't know just how badly the girl caught me… Coach took the mouthpiece out of my mouth and poured water into my mouth, "Slugga… what the hell are you doing out there? You're RUNNING into this girl's punches… move… stick and move… if you grapple her… BREAK HER FUCKING ARM OFF. Get back into your game… GET BACK INTO YOUR GAME!" Coach put my mouthpiece back in and shakes his head. Jugg rubs some vasoline over my eye and takes the sticks out of my nose, "Penny… don't let your guard down…" He pats my shoulder and I stand up. Jugg takes the stool and he and Coach exit the cage.

The ring felt like it was sitting in the middle of space. It was surrounded by darkness and shimmering white lights of camera flashes that reminded me of stars. It felt like I was a million miles away… all alone in the middle of the universe… all alone like I should have been. Referee McCarthy asked if we were ready and we both acknowledged. He pointed to the center again and we met for the next dance. LaRosa was less cautious this time… she came out swinging. I dodged the first two and jabbed her in the nose. This initiated an all out swing fest. All I could see was the onslaught of fists… I throw up my guard and absorb many of them. I uppercut and jab, but they only made her strike harder. It was her front straight leg kick into my abdomen that threw me back. It took my air away, but not as much as her superman punch that threw me into the cage. I just couldn't catch up to her. I couldn't find my strength… I was… I had given up. I had given up. I cringed and clutched to the woman fighter… every punch hit a mark… every kick shuddered through my body. She couldn't get me down, though… I refused to go down.

In the clinch against the cage… her uppercut exploded against my nose… the blood pours out of it. I swing and hit her right on the jaw and she tumbles backwards at the power… I chase after her and swing a big leg and it smacks against the side of her upper thigh very loudly. I drive in with a few quick jabs and the put her guard right where I want it as I swing my leg hard and fast and hit her in the side, right in the lower ribs… it hurts her and favors that side and I take that moment and slam a heavy fist right against her chin and she falls backwards… I take the offensive and move to jump on top of her. She kicks up with a bicycle kick at me, but I move around it and hit her with a few elbows. She shoots up a stiff arm and strikes at my nose… I dodge it, but it doesn't stop her from trying to keep striking up. I take side position and hit her with a few knees to her side again. I get in a huge hammer-fist but not without getting a massive up-punch right into my nose. It makes my eyes water badly and I'm stunned for a second. The pain was cold and traveled mercilessly. Before either of us could recover… the bell rang again and we move back to our corners.

My head feels full of air… my eyes can't seem to stay still as things seem to flow in and out of focus... I can barely see anything through the throbbing, hooded cloud of my left eye… my nose throbs along with my eye and allows stinging spurts of air in and out causing me to have to mouth breath… my hands are light as air but my legs are made of concrete. Jugg cups my cheek and rubs the eye-iron on the top and bottom of my left eye. Coach was yelling; trying to get me back into the fight… trying to gauge my reactions, but I can't really register the words he spoke… all I can think about… all that was on my mind… was 'HIM'. Coach shoves the mouthpiece back into my mouth and I stand up. The other corner isn't ready, so I turn and lean on the cage… looking out into the vast "space"… I look for him… I pray that he is there… but… I know he won't be there… he'll never be there.

I had wanted a happy ending. I wanted that happily ever after shit… but I am no Love Story… I'm no Fucking Fairytale… I don't deserve to be happy. I am a bane upon the word 'Joy'. I screwed up… I screwed up EVERYTHING. I wanted him to smile… to scoop me up in his arms. I wanted him to turn around… NOT WALK OUT THAT DOOR…

* * *

What am I doing?

I can't breathe… can't see… and as I cry into my bloody gloves I realize that I HAD discipline… I HAVE IT, but… I'd give it all back just to have him by my side. I thought I had lost everything that night then he made love to me and ran out… the only thing I lost was my heart. The heart that Sheldon kept and had cherished until the day he saw me again. But what did I do? I ripped his heart right out of his chest and tried to fix it with DUCT TAPE and a confession. I hear Jugg's question that I didn't answer on the plateau, "_What do you want more than anything in the world?_" I knew the answer; I just didn't want to say it. I knew what I wanted was never going to be mine so why say it out loud? But no matter how much I lied to myself, it was quite clear what I wanted. I wanted Sheldon. NO… I NEEDED HIM! Needed him with me. Without him here I had no purpose… no fight left, but as the referee called us back to the center of the ring... I had more fight in me than ever. If I wanted Sheldon, I would have to fight and I was far from 'DONE'. I smile and bite down on my mouth piece hard as I met the woman in the center of the ring as I chanted inside my head 'Time to show this bitch why they call you the DEMON!'.


	11. Chapter 10: No Wings Just Physics

Referee 'Big' John McCarthy signals for us to meet in the center and the crowd buzzes. They know this is the last round and they know we're about to put on a show. We meet in the center and I know my whole demeanor shifted. I didn't give LaRosa any time to dance around… I charged in with a strong left jab and upper cut LaRosa with my right. It connects to her left, lower jaw as I rain down strikes. She tries to counter a few of them and leaves me an opening just where I want it… I plant my heels and send a strong front kick right into her unguarded abdomen. I hear her cough out all her lungful of air and she bends over… I snarl a smile… I have her now… I crow-hop to close the distance and drive my knee right into her exposed face. I feel the lovely crunching of bones against where my knee and thigh converge and she whips backwards. I shuffle to close the distance and just pound her face with a few quick jabs as she tries to regain her balance. I didn't give her much of a chance… I didn't give her much of ANYTHING… I lunge and grab behind her knees and lift her up in the air then slammed her down, hard.

She bounces on the canvas and even tries to strike up. Her punches were weak and inaccurate. I take in a big mouthful of air, since my nose was broken and nearly closed up, and I tensed my upper body. I watched for one little opening… and she gave it to me… I swooped an uppercut right under her chin and her head snaps back. LaRosa reacts with a few up-punches… and I see a perfect end to this fight… I snarl another smile and move with the lightning speed I was so well known for. I flip my body and wrap my legs around her exposed arm. My legs sprawl across her chest as I secure her arm by gripping her wrist tight. I squeeze my thighs tight and pull her arm to my chest with her pinky finger on my sternum and her thumb facing up. I increase the pressure on her elbow joint by arching my hips against her elbow… she had no chance… I had the Armbar so deep that she only had one option… and she took it frantically. Tara LoRosa tapped my upper thigh over and over again. I wasn't going to let go… not until McCarthy grips my shoulder and signals for me to let go. I unleash the Armbar just as the entire arena explodes with cheers and flashes of light. LaRosa rolls away from me towards the medic and the people from her corner as I stay down on the canvas. I stare up at the bright lights that shone down on the ring and I cover my face with my gloves… I cry… I cry not because I won… but because I lost…

Coach, Jugg, and Hammy rush into the ring and help me up. They knew my victory was bittersweet… they knew me far too well… but they hugged me and congratulated me nonetheless. Hammy didn't hold me up… he kept me under the crook of his arm. Coach took my mouthpiece out while Jugg doctored my eye and bloodied up nose. After he had successfully shoved cotton sticks up my nose… Hammy took my shirt off his shoulder and draped it around me. The camera man circled around me… bright lights flashed out in the darkness… and the noise in the arena was deafening… yet… I felt… I felt nothing… I felt alone even though I was surrounded by thousands of people who knew my name. I was in so much pain… not my eye or my nose… my heart… it ached something fierce. I was so miserable. I won… I won in the ring… but it wasn't what I wanted… I had lost something that I didn't know I wanted so badly… I stare out into the flashing abyss as the announcer wails over the humming of the crowd and I wonder… are you watching me? Sheldon… are you out there… can you see how empty I am without you? The ref throws up my hand as the announcer screams something about the 'defending champion'… and the crowd goes insane… but I… I break down and cry.

* * *

They sent me to the doctor and he reset my nose. It hurt like a MOTHERFUCKER, but… that pain was gone within minutes. My eye was less swollen, but still had a twinge of pain now and then. It had now been three days since I won back my belt… I am staring at the gruesome black eye in the mirror downstairs in the girl's locker room and sigh loudly. It echoes against the tiles. I wash my hands and dry them off and go to my locker. Jugg hadn't woken up yet because I had snuck into his room and pulled out his battery on his phone. I wanted to run alone today… I NEEDED to be alone. I snag my hoodie out of my locker and locked it back.

Since the fight… I had been offered a Subway… Women's Nike… and Gatorade sponsor contract… I told them to talk to my agent… Coach. I was even asked to be on the cover of Sport's Illustrated's Top 10 Gorgeous Women in Sports. Coach rolled his eyes and just told me to focus on training. After the fight, I had signed over 60 autographs before Hammy had to scoop me up and take me out of the arena. The final round of that fight had over 12 million views and STILL counting… I had become some kind of celebrity over night… yet… it didn't matter. Nothing was filling this void. I HAD to let him go… but how? I smile at Punch waiting for me at the entrance of the bathroom. I go back into the break room and something strange about it catches my eye… Coach's laptop sitting at the table. I feel a pull towards it, but I just grab the leash off the coat rack in the back corner. I pass by it again… and I sigh. Curiosity will always be my downfall.

The screen has a random picture screensaver, so I just touch the 'magic' rectangle and it comes back to life. There is a video up with a huge circle and 'play' triangle in the middle. I smile and press it with the cursor. The focus is on Howard's face and he has a huge smile. He's whimpering for Bernadette to stop getting so many close ups of his face and Bernie is chiming, with her high pitched voice, that he was far too cute NOT to be on camera. The camera sweeps down and baby Urijah is gripping Howard's index fingers and walking around. The camera changes scenes and Bernie is lying on her bed holding Urijah above her head. She brings the baby down to her head and blows on his belly… the baby shrieks in laughter as Bernie does in a few more times. I watch video clip after video clip… some have Amy in them… some have Raj… and each clip gets my eyes watering more and more. My hand comes up and I rest my lips on the bends of my fingers and I laugh just a little while the tears stream down my face. They were so happy… The final clip was Urijah asleep on top of Howard's chest… Bernadette moves the camera to where it clicks and shoots away from the scene, but in a shiny surface of a photo frame… you can see Bernie lean down and kiss Howard on his cheek then down on Urijah's head. It was such a simple moment… but it made me break down at cry. I closed the laptop as the video circled and ended and I could feel the pull in my chest… the wanting… the NEEDING. Punch walked over and nudged my hand with a very humanly sincere look and I smiled down at him. I wiped my face and leashed up the cute little man and we headed to the door. I unsecured the security system, walked out, and locked up the front door and we took off running.

* * *

The wind in my ears… stinging my eyes… engulfing around my frame… I cherished it. This was all I had… my routine. The city flew by in dark blobs as I ran faster than I normally did. Punch's tags jingling in the darkened, abandoned ruins. I tried to clear my head… tried to push him out like a spider beside the front door… but he just wouldn't leave me. We made it to the outskirts and didn't even bother unleashing Punch… I just let the leash go and ran full blast towards the sandy incline heading towards the plateau… I kept up with him, but he still beat me to the flat top. I stand up tall and put my hands on my hips as I let out big puffs of air through my mouth… it clouds up and drifts into nothingness. Punch stands in front of me… his tongue flung out of his mouth and his butt wiggling. I smile down at him and lean down to unhook his leash.

I walk over to the edge away from where we ascended… though it was dark… I could still see the mud red mountain range under the stars. It got me thinking about how beautiful the most mundane thing could be. A simple divot within the Earth… a miniscule breeze… a reflection of light off a cloud… balls of gas million miles away… the universe was so vast and so beautiful… I finally understood why he wanted to know everything about it… because no matter how much you know… there is something else that becomes a mystery. Every little mystery had its splendor. And the one mystery that Sheldon Lee Cooper could never figure out… was me. I take in a shallow breath through my nose… it stung, but it was crisp… I needed that little pain… needed something to stop my mind from wandering.

As I stand at the edge and see the sun start to make its way out of the ground, Punch's ears fly up and he looks happy to see someone and runs to that someone behind me. I smile and chuckle a little bit, knowing that Jugg was going to be UBBER pissed that I disassembled his phone, "Sorry Dude… I know you're super pissed… but I promise we'll run to… mor… row." I turn around to acknowledge Jugg's mad face and everything froze in time… Sheldon stood up from petting Punch in bright orange vest with a purple hoodie underneath with plaid, dark purple with little green lines in them, but looked like really dark pants in the sunless sky… he was breathing a little heavy as he looked at me… his face was so soft… so… breath-stealing.

I forced myself to breathe as I stand perfectly still… my breathing was slightly hitched, erratic, and loud as I tried to stop myself from breaking down and sobbing right there. He didn't move from his spot as Punch sat beside him. I opened my mouth… but every time I tried to speak… I found it nothing to say. Sheldon stood up straight and put his hands into his vest pockets and took in a deep breath, "So… you do this… everyday?"

He walks towards me and stops right beside me… causing me to turn towards the scenery. We both look out at how the canyon begins to fill with color from the slow rise of the sun. I find my voice and smile a little, "Everyday… same time." I awkwardly look at his profile. He glances at me with his peripheral then stares out at the scenery as he gives a little smile, "Glad to see I rubbed off on you. Setting schedules… surpassing your opponents… befriending your slobbering, short, hairy roommate only to find out that he was a dog all along."

I turn my head back to the scenery and laugh a little… Sheldon made a joke… interesting. He let out a very audible sigh and his voice carried down into the canyon, "Your friend… Jugg, I believe is his nickname… contacted me through many random connections throughout Texas including my mother… he explained everything. I thought you were happy… I thought that you had found your 0,0,0,0… I thought that you were exactly where you needed to be to never feel as miserable as you were in Pasadena… not to mention the fact that the lobby of that hotel was FILLED with people and you know how I feel about crowds…"

I turned to him and shook my head with tears flowing down my cheeks… he turned to me with those gentle blue eyes and held up his hand to signal that he wasn't finished, "I am not a fighter, Penny. Not a physical fighter… Being bullied teaches one that if you fight back; it only gets worse… it makes one a coward… makes one a person who seeks a way out of wayward situations… I saw that I had no chance against that man you kissed that night. He was strong… handsome… intelligent (subpar)… and looked to have compassion for you. I couldn't compete… especially with the look of joy upon your face… I thought I had lost… so… I did what I thought was the best decision to avoid the awkward confrontation… and ran. Little did I know… you would chase me?" I was watching his facial expressions as he avoided my eyes. He was so nervous… so out of his element again… and on top of a dusty hill, too. The sun finally peaked over the mountain range and I turned to watch it. I closed my eyes and let the breeze that seemed to escape from the sun itself kissed against my heated skin.

I smile wide at the fact that I finally get to share one of these with Sheldon by my side. I hear his voice. It was deep and gruff, "Absolutely Beautiful."

I open up my eyes and look over to see what face he was making towards the sunrise only to see he was still staring at me. My eyes connect with his and I'm a little shocked to say the least. He takes his hands out of his pocket and steps towards me and stops only a few feet away, "You are an ambiguity of scientific study… Penny. An incalculable conundrum of unknown variables within a simple equation… I know you so well, yet… I know nothing about you at all. You are the beautiful, refracting light against my color spectrum. I want to see you shine… I want to make sure your colors… your happiness… I want you to… Oh Good Lord… I'm rambling so much that I screwed up my analogy… what I mean to say is…" He frustratingly rubs his hands against his face and through his short hair and cradles his head for a few moments before he looks at me and licks his lips, "What I mean to say… is… that I can't possibly FUNCTION without you… I find myself wishing you were near… I researched so much after your expression of your emotions for me… I researched every known psychology, biology, anthropology book I could find and STILL… I was left with no answers. Then I spoke with my brother… who allowed me to wear these vile layers that are explicitly warm… and learned that my feelings for you are easily resolvable… after many many days of my family's meddling in my affairs of depression… I had come to the conclusion that I… Penny… Love, as it exists in society, is nothing but the exchange of two fantasies… two dreams… two yearnings that can be alleviated through the exchange of merely two skins… two touches that come together and destroy the loneliness… I realized the moment that our skin touched… the moment that I tasted your sweet flavor… the moment that you were gone and I felt the jolt of panic and the uncontrollable fear… that I… too… am in love with you…"

* * *

My body tingles… it feels as though I had been struck by lightning… I couldn't move… I know I wasn't breathing… and my heart… my heart wasn't in the cavity it was supposed to be in. I was paralyzed… utterly petrified in one spot… I felt so heavy but my heart fluttered free. My unwillingness to move was beginning to make Sheldon twitch and look positively terrified. I felt the tears find their way out the side of my eyes and I gasped out more dramatically than I meant to. My body unlocked itself and I took a huge step and launched myself around his neck. He braced himself for the impact as he took all my weight against his body and spun me until we were balanced. He clinched his arms around my ribs and chuckled into my shoulder then whispered gratefully against the nape of my neck, "That's… this is a much more acceptable reaction."

I bury my nose into his vest and I can smell him and a hint of cigarette smoke probably from his brother as Sheldon spats off random facts, "You know Mental chronometry is the use of response time in perceptual-motor tasks to infer the content, duration, and temporal sequencing of cognitive operations. Mental chronometry is one of the core paradigms of experimental and cognitive psychology, and has found application in various disciplines including cognitive psychophysiology/cognitive neuroscience and behavioral neuroscience to elucidate mechanisms underlying cognitive processing. If I wanted to calculate the response time of someone, you for instance, I would take your reaction time and added to your movement time. The reaction time for a college-aged individual is about 160 milliseconds to detect an auditory stimulus…" I smile within the vest and unbury myself. I don't uncircle my arms from around his neck; instead I pull back just enough to look into his unsure eyes as he continues to jabber and I pull his head down and cover his rambling lips with my own. I pull away and he continues from where I stopped him, "… and and approximately 190 milliseconds to detect visual stimulus…" I kiss him again… this time I constrict my arms tighter and slip my tongue into his mouth and I can feel him relax into it. He throws in his own passion and I can feel my body reacting instantly. It was pulsing and throbbing just for him and I wondered if he could feel it… feel how much I wanted him… feel how much my BODY needed him. It was too much for me to take… I hadn't had this feeling in a very very long time and I didn't want it to ruin this. I pull away… absolutely out of breath… and stare at him.

His eyes are still closed and flutter open. His back was to the sunrise and I had never seen such a sexier silhouette in my life. He looked at me with those piercing blue eyes and licked his lips longingly. He visibly shivered all over his body and let out a pronounced sigh, "I can never describe the urges you subject me to, Penny…" He smiles and I purse my lips from how gorgeous he is as he stands there… the sunlight etching against his form and he speaks again, "… if it's all the same to you… I would like to descend… we have much to discuss and… frankly… I can see how high we are and… I'm not so well with high places."

I nod… I'm utterly speechless… he's here… all the things I want to say to him and I just can't… I kiss to Punch and he jostles down the sandy hill easy as I help Sheldon down. His grip on my shoulder is fearful but thankful as he breaks the silence again, "I… I did attend your father's funeral, but… I left as they were lowering him into the ground. Though I have no ill feelings towards your father… I found it reminiscent of my own father's funeral. My mother badgered me when she got to the car about not saying anything to you, but she understood my avoidance." I got him to even ground and he retracted himself from me and looked at me sternly, "Your fight… I was unfortunate enough to get to witness it. My last day at Texas A&M… one of the students showed me the fight… Penny… you allowed that woman to cause serious physical trauma to your nasal cavity and left ocular bone… it was almost as if… you WANTED to be in pain."

I sighed and started to walk towards town and he moved to stop me, "Did you? Did you believe that you deserved to be punished? That… that physical pain would somehow take away your anguish?"

I look at him and sigh, "Something like that, yes… Sheldon… I haven't wanted anything more in my LIFE… than you. Nothing mattered… not even that stupid ass belt."

He nodded, "Then you found your fight. It was as if you were someone else. That woman had no chance. THAT was the Penny I remembered and that was the Penny that I wanted. I don't believe I told you properly that when I watched you fight… it was my LAST DAY."

We walked on and I looked at him and realized I didn't, "Oh no… I didn't, Sweetie… I'm sorry. They fired you?"

He smiled and walked with his arms behind his back, "Not so. They reluctantly transferred me."

I wasn't following and not catching on to his extremely happy face, "Again? Back to Pasadena?"

He shook his head with the very interesting smile still on his face, "The University of Arizona in Tucson. A 2 hour and 3 minute drive away from Phoenix."

* * *

I stop dead in my tracks and he turns around with his smirk still present, "I have a very big apartment… and I was trying to find the best roommate… someone who knows how difficult I can be, but still challenges my every being… this said person must also be remarkably beautiful… willing to test every boundary of my comfort zone… be there on Saturday nights to do laundry at exactly 8:15pm… knows how to make my favorite _E_-talian dish… knows how to properly rub Vapo-rub on my chest… and can sing Soft-Kitty in perfect, harmonious rounds with me… you wouldn't happen to know anyone to fit that description, would you?" He beams at me and I feel a little overwhelmed… he must have sensed it on my face as he looks down and talks nervously, "I do have a car now and I could drive you to and from your gym… there is a park not too far from the apartment where you can take Punch and jog… of course… you can jog up Sentinel Park where the kids there built a huge A… now known as 'A' Mountain… and you can still see the sunrise…"

As he talks… I think about everything that has happened. He isn't asking me to give up fighting… He MOVED to Arizona just for me… He isn't asking me to change… He just wants… me. I smile and lift my hand and place it over his lips. He momentarily freaks out by the contact, but I give him the most breathtaking smile I could muster, "Shut it, Moonpie… I would love to move in with you."

His eyes shine and water a little and I lower my hand. He lurches forward and gives me one of his weird little hugs then pulls away and with a very stern look on his face… he says, "Only Memaw calls me…" I grab the front of his vest/hoodie combination and he stops his sentence quickly. I give him a very seductive look as I whisper, "Not anymore, Moonpie."

I take his lips as he tries to debate. It dies on his tongue as I deepen the kiss gradually; leaving Punch sitting and watching us make-out at the edge of Camelback Mountain.


	12. Epilogue and Insight

My internal clock yanked my body awake. I could feel the body warmth of Punch at my feet and I wiggled my toes into his space with a stretchy groan within my smile. I feel him stretch against my movements as he growls his stretch back at me. My eyes lazily open to a whole different room. I had yet to get used to my new surroundings but it wasn't an unpleasant feeling at all. My mind replays the last few months as I go to move out of the very warm and comfortable bed. I sit up and kick my legs over the side, but a long arm shoots out of the darkness behind me and snakes around my waist and pulls me back into the warmth. I squeal softly as Sheldon squeezes me into him and gives a sleepy moan against the back of my neck. It sends shivers down my spine as I whimper, "Sheellldddooon… you know I have to go run…" Though I loved it when he did this, it really DID make it hard for me to get up and go run. I could feel everything pressed up against me. It made my cheeks burn a little. We had been 'engaging in coitus' every night for the last few months, but it was still very surreal. He was STILL a miraculous lover and he only got better with 'practice'. He takes my left arm and swings it around his sleepy head and kisses at my jaw while whispering, "Penny… I have read in a very astute article online about how substantial amount of calories burned from a round of intercourse compared to that of a morning jog. It is an egregious amount… so, I hope you will allow me to offer my services in getting MORE than a fair amount of your daily dose of exercise." I smile and moan as he pushes his eagerly hard erection between the back of my thighs. I move quickly and straddle his ever hardening excitement. He welcomes my body with soft, warm hands against my slightly chilled hips as I lean my body down against his and peck at his liquid soft lips. He bends his knees behind me and sits up to have me cradled against his torso and legs as he wraps his arms around me and demands a real kiss. The strong motion allows him to grind his length against my newly aroused core and it sets my body ablaze as I growl seductively in the kiss.

This man, a man who has never wanted anything more than science by his side, was a man that could have me shuddering from pleasure with just a flick of his PINKY TOE if he wanted. He took great satisfaction in making sure that I was always fulfilled even if HE wasn't. It wasn't like I ever tried… he just will not let me return the favor… and it's driving me CRAZY. I know you think I sound like I'm overreacting… but I'm not… GOD NO… I… I love his tongue so much especially when it's against me… it's just… I just… I have yet to even give this man a hand-job. Some girls are looking at me like I really AM crazy, but… I have always been the one that gives the pleasure… the one that the boys always whispered about giving the best blow jobs… but with Sheldon… he stops me before I even THINK about going to stroke him. It's damn near nerve-racking to me… I mean… I want to pleasure my boyfriend… I want him to hum my name as he twists in ecstasy, but… he won't let me! What's THAT about?

* * *

**Insight**

_I wondered how Sheldon got so 'Touchy-Feely' a few days after he asked me to move in with him. He told me it was because of his students at Texas A&M. Sheldon, darkened by having his heart broken, had came into a new semester at the college and was stuck being both a teacher and a student advisor with the new freshman class. Granted, there were not a lot of them in the Physics Department, only about 13, there were enough to set Sheldon into his egotistical backwash. His first class was just the 13 students and he went into his 'You May Already Know Me' speech and the class wasn't riveted… all except one… a Ms. Gwendolyn Spears. A short, stocky… not fat, but built… redhead who was on a Lacross scholarship for A&M… and was one smart cookie and eager to learn from the great 'SHELDON COOPER'. Sheldon found her enthusiasm quite endearing, but almost redundant. She asked that she be called Gwenny and Sheldon nodded and wrote that down beside her name._

_Sheldon did his spiel about the introduction to Physics and what he would expect the children to learn every morning. The kids weren't disrespectful… weren't texting or emailing or even tweeting in his class… every time he turned back around… there were all taking notes of what he just wrote. It made Sheldon's heart warm a little knowing that these students were taking him seriously. Gwenny was the first to really challenge Sheldon's 'boundaries'. She would come to him, first, with her Physics problems. Sheldon had no classes after his first class, so he stayed and showed Gwenny the best route to take in order to understand the material. She, having a very happy and sunny disposition, thanked Sheldon by giving him a hug. He didn't throw her off or even lecture her on personal boundaries because the girl did it all FOR him. She apologized profusely as she packed her bag and avoided his eyes. Before she ran out of the classroom… Sheldon took mercy. He told her it was just her overreacting feminine wiles and that he'll remember to remind her the next time before she pounces on him. Gwenny laughed and thanked him before running to her next class._

_That wasn't the only kid that Sheldon started to connect with. There was Tracy Gordon… he was a very quite African American who was about three or four Sheldon's combined. He was a strong kid and very smart. Sheldon started taking a liking to him when he found he would rather do a 'group' activity on his own as opposed to being the third wheel. Sheldon respected that and the kid made the highest grade in the entire class. Tracy called Sheldon, Doc… just Doc. At first he found it to his disliking, but he learned that it was out of the utmost respect because Tracy didn't call any of his other colleagues with doctorates, Doctor at all._

_Sheldon named all 13 of his kids… and each one of them changed him… by the end of the first semester… he was a whole different teacher. He didn't offer backhanded compliments about their intellect… he began to enjoy teaching… and the kids would interact… the kids would visit him in his office after class or even later in the day just to say hey to him. He even went to a Lacross game to cheer on Gwenny… went to Football games to cheer on Chester (one of the guys in his class) as Quarterback and Francine (another girl in his class who was a cheerleader). Sheldon began to love his job, again. Though, it didn't stop him from thinking about me… it still took off a lot of the sting of losing me. _

_As the years went by… he watched these 13 kids go through semester after semester… they never once forgot him. They visited him and even got homework help by asking to join the 13 in a 'Study Group'. Sheldon wanted to do something for these guys and… by the fourth year of knowing them… he decided to take them all to a Physics Symposium in Phoenix, Arizona… not knowing that at that very moment… I had just won the belt and was heading back to the gym. He got hugs and highfives galore and he never once flinched._

**Insight over**

* * *

Sheldon gripped my hips and sent me bouncing up and down against his pelvis. Flesh slapping against flesh and both our moans building up were all that was filling the silence of the room. The Cowgirl position was our go to. I don't know why, but it was just… he hits places 'Oh So' right and have me orgasming for days. I had already had a few as his grip gets tighter and he forces me down more urgently… signaling that he was getting to his end. I slam myself down and clench my walls and rock my hips with long, hard strokes against his very elongated member and he finally released his engorged bliss. The noises he makes as I slip off his spent member makes my sex drum. I flip on my back with a very happy face and hum while licking me lips, "Oh, Sweetie… that was SO much better than running." A very loud bark at the edge of the bed startles the hell out of me and Sheldon and we both sit up and look down at Punch. I hear Sheldon whimper a little, knowing he has a big problem with having sex with eyes watching (even if they ARE just a dog's), and I pat Sheldon's bare thigh, "There, There…" Sheldon gave me a weak smile and I lean over and kiss it bigger before leaning back and whispering, "I got him! Go shower!"

I hop onto the cooled, hardwood floor and slide my very naked form to a chair a few steps away from the bed close to the door to the hallway. I grab the robe that was draped across the back and peak over my shoulder. Sure enough, laying on his side and holding himself up with his right elbow dug into the mattress and happily smiling at me, was Sheldon. The comforter barely tossed over his member and showing off that pale but toned body of his. I flip the robe over my shoulders and slip it on as I mumble, "Perv…" Sheldon smiled as I kiss at Punch and we go.

I didn't leash Punch for a quick outside evacuation of the bladder, so he did his thing and jogged back in with a 'Thank God' strut. I smiled at the dog that Coach had given me. I remember telling Coach that I was moving in with Sheldon and the look on Coach's face was like I had just blew up his house. I told him I would be here every day… just not SLEEPING here. Punch didn't leave my side and WOULDN'T let me leave. I remember very clearly that Coach sighed, grabbed the leash out of the break room, leashed Punch up and handed it to me saying, 'The damn thing can't live without you. Man's best friend… Pffft… more like Woman's'. It didn't take Sheldon very long to fall in love with Punch… but IT DID take Sheldon a while to understand that Punch liked sleeping in the bed. I fought with him for weeks but Sheldon swore to his word that 'that dog will not be getting in this bed'. It wasn't until Punch's 'Stare At Them Until I Win' method was given on SHELDON'S side of the bed… and Punch won. Sheldon really hasn't had anything bad to say about Punch sleeping in the bed. I keep him bathed and he is up on all his flea/heartworm pills, so… he's quite over that situation.

Punch and I walked back up the stairs to the third floor. It wasn't a very long trek, but it did get my heart pumping a little considering that we both RAN up them. I slide back into the very cozy, two bedroom, one bathroom apartment. It was amazing at how pristine and geeky the little space was, but… it was my home. Punch's nails tick against the hardwood floor until it got to the sliver of rug underneath Sheldon's new leather couch (that resembled the one in Pasadena but was a bit shorter) and coffee table that sat in front of a pretty big TV that hung on a wall. Below the TV was a long, cabinet like entertainment system. The small box cut out showed a blue dot shining in the darkness along with a lone, bigger green dot. The drawers were few and far between full. I smiled at the realization that about two or three of the DVDs were mine. Behind the couch was Sheldon's white board and screwed in shelves protruding off the wall full of 'priceless' collector items. The windowsill silhouetted Sheldon's desk from Caltech with his laptop and random little gadgets spread across its surface. I swiftly slip past the large 'DNA' model, that I did recognize from 4A, that was at the entrance of the small hallway that led towards the bedrooms and slipped back into 'Our Room' (It took approximately one hour after he moved all my stuff into the apartment to show Sheldon why it should be OUR room and he hasn't complained SINCE then… oh GOD YES… I showed him over and over again… let's just say that the first night here was DEFINITELY going to be my favorite night EVER).

I made it back in the room just in time to see a very taught and pale little bum running into the bathroom and I smile widely. That… that luscious piece of ass was definitely mine and I would most certainly fight for it. OH GOD! FIGHT? DAMN IT! I look over at the alarm clock on the nightstand and the red numbers taunt me and jolt my own ass towards my closest and take out my sweats and hoodie… I forgot that I was meeting Jugg at the gym in an hour and it takes two hours to get there. I sigh as the shower clicks on. Sheldon knew I was about to go to the gym, but I yell at him that I'm about to leave. He yells for me to be SAFE (meaning don't speed) and I throw on my other running shoe and grab my cell phone. Although I hadn't really wanted one, Sheldon INSISTED that he have some form of communication with me and so… I got a cell phone. I wrote letters to Amy, my mother, and Uncle Ken… told my sister and all the guys at the gym about my number and that I was on some social networks again… even communicated with Mr. Jenkins and the Holgston sisters. So, all my families were connected to me electronically. I texted to Jugg that I was going to be a little late. He immediately texted back, 'You haven't even left yet, have you?' I smile and shake my head at how well my partner knew me and I texted back, 'My "WORKOUT" went a little longer than expected.' I laughed as I sent it because Jugg knew a lot about me and Sheldon's… workouts… more than he wanted to know. The chime of my phone and Jugg's response was priceless, 'Did he finally let you do some Tug and Pulls?' I grinned and rolled my eyes and texted, 'LOL… No… just more bench work.' I gather my keys just as my phone chimed again. I looked down and laughed at Jugg's 'Wow… you two should be in better shape than half the guys at the gym'. I shake my head and shoot out another text, 'You're the one to talk… you're probably still at that girl's house showing off your tats'. His reply was a little slower this time, 'I am actually at the gym this time, thank you'. I laugh and text a small 'Suuurrreee' before I kiss to Punch. I hear the shower noises dissolve and I yell out a 'Love YOU, MOONPIE!' and Sheldon replies, much as he always does, 'Come Back to Me, Penelope!' He told me that I always made a weird face when he says that he loves me… so he decided to 'spare me'. Over the few months… I found that his 'come back to me'… just… it just means so much more than a little 'I Love you too'. With a huge smile on my face, I close the door behind me and run down the stairs to Sheldon's 2011, midnight blue Hyundai Genesis. He let me drive his car since the apartment was right on campus and he felt better knowing I had a mode of transportation away from 'The Sweat House'.

* * *

As I take my two hour and some minutes drive, I go over a lot in my head:

Hammy and Crystal planned my 'Going Away Party'. That was where I introduced Sheldon to everyone. Sheldon and the guys didn't NOT get along… but it was safe to say that my guys were a little more protective over me than Sheldon had realized. He got pulled to the side by groups of three and questioned and threatened all night… It took me having to physically punch a few of them to save Sheldon anymore grief, but after that… it was all fun and games. Sheldon and I didn't drink and Sheldon found it endearing that I didn't delve into alcohol anymore. He told me that in that exact wording. The party was full of random people invited by the guys, but Mr. Jenkins and the Holgston sisters were there, too… off in the corner being entertained by Jugg and Coach. I remember the moment that Sheldon and Coach met and I will never forget how it almost felt like I was introducing my boyfriend to my dad… and it made me cry. I was glad that Coach and Sheldon were conversing so adamantly because I couldn't stop the tears. Jugg excused himself from the group as Mr. Jenkins and the Holgston sisters joined into Coach's and Sheldon's conversation and pulled me to the side. Jugg said something so simple that it still rings in my ears when I think about him. He said, "You have the greatest men in your life and they finally get to see why they're so great… they're connection to you." He kissed me on top of the head before putting me into a headlock and bonking my head a few times, "Stop being so sad… your father is still here… he's in all these people… smiling at what you've become! Smile back, Slugger!"

Jugg… He and I have never mentioned the kiss we shared. He had opened up to me more and more about his wife… as of a month ago… he is dating a black haired, dark-eyed bartender named Brittany that I introduced to him. She is COVERED in tattoos and a few piercings (some that only Jugg knows about). I knew the moment I met her that she would be perfect to set Jugg's fuse on fire… she is a ball of energy trapped inside a coil of barbwire and just wants to be tugged on. Jugg talked about all his tattoos all night long and Brittany ate it up… so I just left them to their game. After my run… the guys told me that Jugg JUST got in as they were pouring their cereals. Jugg has been to see her many times and many times... he's missed our run. Not mad at him at all…

Tick… he has been training his little butt off and has his first professional fight coming… he, also, came out of the closet not too long ago. I recognized him acting super strange around all of us… being that everyone in the gym was the closest thing Tick's ever had in a family… I could imagine it being pretty hard to just come out and say it. He confided in me, after having a very intense coming out meeting in the break room, that he was most afraid of COACH not accepting him, but… come to find out that it was Coach who was the most supportive. The only one that really treats Tick any different than usual is English, but that's because English takes every damn opportunity to throw in a gay joke just for the hell of it.

Kawasaki left about six weeks after my LaRosa fight. He got a big break back in Tokyo and Coach reluctantly let him go. I cried so much at the airport… he promised me he would keep in touch. I've gotten three letters from him and one with an amazing drawing of Kawasaki, himself, standing on top of the head of a gargoyle looking out at the scenery of a perfectly drawn Tokyo… the only color was the drawing of a red scarf seemingly whipping in the wind from around his drawn self's neck. I got that baby framed and is now sitting proudly on the top shelf of my closet. I sent him a drawing of me as a furry, pink lioness glomped on and chewing on the butt of Jugg as a Wildebeest tapping on the canvas, crying. Kawasaki loved it and sent me a picture showing that he had it framed, too… and proudly displayed in his locker at his new gym. I really do miss him… and he has yet to NOT send me a letter! He even sends me random Japanese candy (that I REALLY need to stop eating because they are SO DAMN DELICIOUS) and little Hello Kitty trinkets.

English… well… he's still the same ol booty chasing Brit. The only thing different about him is that he took up playing recreational soccer down at the Y. He hasn't been Okayed to fight professionally yet, but then again… he's been playing soccer. Coach is really at his wit's end with him… he told English that if he gets hurt… he's done with the Cross to Bear. I haven't heard anything as of late, so I'm still guessing English is still one of us.

Bingo finally retired from the fighting game about a week ago and now owns his own restaurant in Glendale, not too far out from Phoenix. He has offered me and Sheldon a complimentary meal since I was the one that wouldn't shut up about his cooking. Bingo still comes back for the guy's Poker Night and his wife still brings the beer.

Hot Sauce dropped off the map about a month ago. From what Coach heard, he got one of the girls he was cheating on with his wife pregnant and ran out to New Jersey and is a mechanic now. I haven't heard from him but Coach says he gets random calls in the middle of the night that he misses by one ring every time and knows deep down that it's him.

Icee had won his in the first round, 1 minute and 45 seconds in with a leg kick to his opponents jaw and sent him on the canvas hard where Icee finished him up. It brought the 'Cross to Bear' gym more publicity than Coach had ever seen… especially when I won my fight the next few weeks after that. He is one of the top fillers for the league now. Hammy and Jugg have been keeping up with him and has several fights coming his way. He and I are on brother/sister terms finally. He hugged me at my party and told me that he was going to miss me a lot. I almost cried, but he rustled up my hair with his hand and told me to 'Man The Hell Up' with the most playful voice I had ever heard come out of his mouth.

Then there was Hammy… Hammy took my leaving the hardest I think. He barely even talked to me at the party and avoided looking in my direction at all. Crystal bought me a very cute Hello Kitty hoodie (that matched the hat Jugg gave me) and told me she KNEW I wasn't leaving for good, but that she'd miss having her 'Girlfriend' around. She gave me a big hug and I cried right there. Sheldon felt uncomfortable with Crystal because of how bold her personality was, but he had no chance of fighting off Crystal's hug and I almost died laughing at the look of a skinny, tall Sheldon being shoved into a very wide built and busty black woman's cleavage. I swear he looked like Bugs Bunny twitching from being crushed into a hug with the Abominable Snowman. After the hug, Crystal looked into Sheldon's eyes and told him sternly that he 'BETTER take care of her Penny or she would have to come and whoop someone's skinny white ass'. He swallowed very prominently and looked this woman in the eye and said, 'Madam… you have nothing to worry about. Penny will always be my high priority." Crystal smiled and brought Sheldon back into another crushing hug and I still failed to stop myself from laughing at the scene.

When the guys started to disappear with their friend's and lady folk, Sheldon was engaged in a conversation with Mr. Jenkins, Coach, Bingo, and his wife… that left me to go find Hammy. He was in the break room, sitting at the table with his back towards the gym. Crystal saw me coming and told Hammy she needed to go to the bathroom and slid out; giving me a smile as she passed. I moved in and slid into one of the chairs at the side of the table where I was at 90 degrees from where he sat. He looked at me with wide eyes and fidgeted. I sigh dramatically and talk, "What's going on, Hams… you've been avoiding me ALL NIGHT."

He ghost wipes the table and just shakes his head, "I am so damn happy for you Pen… SO HAPPY. I knew that boy in there was the guy… I KNEW he would be able to make you happy, but… I feel like you are leaving us… like you… you are going to change and somehow find a way to leave all of us behind. You know you my girl… right? You are my best DAMN FRIEND I have ever had… and I sure as hell don't want to lose you… but… I guess if I lose you to your happiness… I really can't complain, right?"

I make a bunch of noise trying to get out of the damn chair and around the table to hug the hell out of him. He scoots away from the table and takes my hug eagerly. I cry into his shoulder and try to speak into his shirt, "You big dummy… you ain't going to lose me! I'm just not living here, is all…" I pull my face from his shirt and sniffle a little and I can see I got him started on crying and I rub his cheek just a little as I say softly, "I'm gonna be here every day… kicking your ass all up in that ring in there."

He smiles at that and I pull away from our hug. I look back into the gym where Sheldon is still engulfed with a conversation that looked to be only between him and Mr. Jenkins and I look back at Hammy and spoke my realization out loud, "Hams… you brought me and Sheldon together. That night… when he said he never regretted anything… you grabbed and whispered something to him… what did you tell him"

He leaned his left elbow against the table and rested his cheek against his bent fingers and smiled at me, "I told him… you didn't regret it, either… and then I told him where to meet you… you know, Pen… you are a fierce fighter… but you're an even more ruthless lover… That's why you and I are friends. We are fighters, but we DESPERATELY want to be lovers… that's why love is so hard for us… we WANT it too much and is becomes too much for us to handle."

Crystal had come back after that and I was mercilessly hugged by her and Hammy before I went in to save my new boyfriend from the 'Old Folks'. I never stop remembering that… never stop replaying Hammy's words. He was so damn right and it almost hurt to realize just how accurate it described my life. I wanted love… I wanted sex… I wanted to BE wanted so bad that I didn't care who took me… as long as someone took me. I swayed to the group and had a very teary goodbye with Mr. Jenkins. He told me to never stop being me or he would 'sick' Mrs. Holgston on me. He didn't initiate a handshake with Sheldon, but he did have a few words with him as Bingo and his wife gave me hugs. When Mr. Jenkins was done with Sheldon, Sheldon nodded and shook hands with the older man then shook hands with Bingo and his wife. Mrs. Cross was with the Holgston sisters so it was just me and Coach and Sheldon left.

I felt the tears starting to build up. I didn't understand it… I wasn't LEAVING just not living there anymore but it felt like I was saying goodbye. Coach went ahead and insulted me FOR me, "You're such a silly girl… Slugga… I'll see you tomorrow."

I sniffle and wipe my eyes, "I know, Coach… but… it feels like I'm moving away from my family… I CAN'T HELP IT!"

Coach chuckles and gives me a huge hug. He rubs the back of my head and smiles as he says, "You are as good as family, you know that. We'll always be here for you no matter how far away you move." We break the hug and Coach gets serious as he stares over at Sheldon (who tenses like a boy underneath a father's gaze), "You… you better take real good care of my Slugga… or I'll come to Tucson and teach you why they call me Grizzly… She might be able to take you out, but her heart is as tender as a baby mouse… you break her heart… I'll break your bones… Got me?"

Sheldon, being harassed all evening, swallowed tensely and nodded, "Yee… Yes sir."

Coach's face softened up and he laughed as he slapped Sheldon's arm and went off to get his wife. Sheldon looked over at me with a very stunned look on his face and looking a little pale, "Sheldon… it's ok… he was joking (he wasn't, but I needed Sheldon to breathe)." Sheldon gave an unconvincing gaspy laugh and tried his best to loosen up. I helped him along with a small kiss to his shaky lips. He looked over at me giving him my best bedroom eyes and his demeanor changed slightly as I whispered, "Wanna see my old room?"

I'd have to say that Sheldon and I gave the old room a fair salute and a send off. I have to say that my poor little bed was very sturdy as Sheldon and I tested its durability. The two hour drive back to the apartment, that night, was so tense and unbearable, but once we got back to the room… we tested OUR bed's durability. Safe to say… we've been lucky with beds so far… and poor Punch had a very long wait for his potty break.

* * *

My thoughts sustained me long enough as I pull in front of the Cross to Bear gym. I hop out and press the button and the car squeaks into the emptied city. I knock on the front door and soon, Jugg is there opening it up. He nods and gives me a grin, "Glad you could finally make it… I would say that I'm glad to see you finally came, but… we both know your boyfriend already handles that…"

I punch Jugg right in the chest when I walk in, "JUGG! That's Gross!" He laughs and rubs his chest and locks back up. We go our same routine and time just keeps on rolling…

I defend my belt for 10 more fights before I finally fall… my 18 and 0 record falls to an 18 and 1 by way of unanimous decision. Cristiane Justino Venancio Santos aka (Cris Cyborg) takes my belt but not without one hell of a damn fight… Me and Sheldon get married and I make sure that Amy is my Maid of Honor. Her and Raj end up disappearing at the reception but reappear very disheveled. I do send an invitation to Leonard and his wife… but neither showed. Coach walked me down the aisle and Uncle Ken was our reverend. Mom cried… Mary DEFINITELY cried… and Missy may or may not have made out with English… Don and George were both in the wedding. George and Icee were awfully close and I seriously didn't see either of them during the reception. Don was finally released from prison and went back to school to get his BA in Physical Therapy. He got a strict job working with a friend's of our mother's at the hospital. With his criminal record… he stays out of any kind of trouble and just does his job and his boss really loves him. He and Doug are getting closer and Ken wrote me that Don is helping Doug train up for Football next year. I don't want to say that Sheldon and I lived happily ever after… but… with our baby boy on the way… I'd say I have, and never will be, get any happier.


End file.
